Monday, May 28, 2012

5-25-12: Sayonara from the Tiara

Hey kiddies - the original Queenie here - mixing a martini and saying so sorry but the party's over and it's time to go home.  The death of Donna Summer really did us in.  Last dance and all. But seriously, we have become redundant! The news has become self-snarking! Really, you couldn't make this stuff up! So, please, chickens, tune into your favorite conspiracy blogs, laugh along to the cable nets, and bid Queenie adieu.  That's right - along with you, my darlings.  Go forth and spread snark and good sense while you re-tweet and Facebook and pin your darling infographics!

Btw, Queenie reserves the right to periodically send out an amusing rant.

Yours truly,

The Queen of Snark
                                         TR farewell

Friday, May 18, 2012

5-18-12: We'll Never Stop the Snark

The weather outside is so amazing.  But don't worry, we'll be snarking long after the sun sets.  Enjoy your weekend!

--The Turner Strategies Team

                         TR Statue 1 percent

Friday, May 11, 2012

5-11-12: Barack Obama Said Something on Wednesday

Talk about a week of diversi-tea.  On Tuesday, Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann eagerly announced to the world that she was a proud citizen of Switzerland. (In American layman, Switzerland auto-corrects to socialism).  The right-wing nuts smell blood.  Sadly, Michele just renounced her Swiss ties.  What a tragic turn of events. 

We've always been open-minded here at Turner Central, Michele.  Please stop by anytime!

The Week That Was

Guess who's conducting more social engineering experiments right here in the U.S.A.? President Obama sat down for one of those hated softball interviews with Robin Roberts to profess his love for same-sex marriageHooray for Joe Biden, no? But you know what? Not everyone is enamored with Barry's change of heart.  Why, just last Tuesday, a good number of North Carolina voters told the gays to basically pack up and leave as TR forwardobamasecond-class citizens.  Shep says we've arrived at the 21st century.  Not quite, sir.  (But we gotta ask, Shep, if Roger handed you a pink slip for committing blasphemy in front of your viewers).

The Washington Post ran a piece on bullying and homophobia the morning after.  What a coincidence! It appears former gay rights supporter Mitt Romney was involved in your typical high school hijinks.  The campaign is desperately seeking (or bullying?) former classmates to prove what a classy and down-to-earth guy Romney was.  For his part, Mittens does not recall those years of living in luxury, terrorizing gays and disabled teachers.  Mitt has simply forgotten about the most informative years of his life, just like his tax returns.  Taibbi: this might be the wrong year for you.

Another moderate has fallen.  Six-term Indiana Senator Dick Lugar will not be returning to Capitol Hill come January.  Richard Mourdock crushed Lugar by an overwhelming twenty-point margin.  He's a Tea Partyer, alright; just as Mitt Romney is a severe conservative.  But who cares about bipartisanship these days! And, finally, let's give a round of applause to Inmate No. 11593-051 at the Federal Correctional Institute in Texarkana, TX, for a respectable second-place finish in the Democratic presidential primary in West Virginia.  Thanks for the laughs (and lax election laws!).

NARAL President Nancy Keenan is stepping down in January.  She says it's time for a younger generation of pro-choice activists to take the helm of the movement.  We await a similar announcement from Randall Terry.

Breaking news from the alternate universe: a Republican congressman is defending Planned Parenthood!!!  Rep. Robert Dold (RINO-IL) held a press conference announcing his intention to introduce legislation that would protect federal funding TR jabbadesignated for Planned Parenthood.  Meanwhile, Rush Limbaugh is still smarting over the millions lost and now he's launched his own campaign.  54,000 'likes' and counting.  Those patriots bring tears to our eyes.  Now, let's return to our universe.  Senate Republicans blocked a "manufactured crisis" (a rise in student loan rates) and are punting the issue to their House colleagues, who have offered to pay for increased rates by slashing the preventative health care fund.  Don't those Republicans just give you the fuzzies? Were you also aware of an Iranian missile threat to the East Coast? We're guessing Boehner had to drudge this up because that whole bin Laden guy is off the table.

Mon dieu! French President Nicholas Sarkozy has been booted from the presidential palace by Francois Hollande.  We hear the palace staff is rejoicing, for the ban on cheese and chocolate is coming to an end.  Here, here! Oh, did we mention Mr. Hollande is a socialist? Socialist! What's next? A community organizer from Kenya?

Are You Not Entertained?

Iranian government tech people have never been at the cutting edge of communications, so its not exactly a surprise that Jar Jar Binks wound up at a missile test range.  BTW, what is going on in the upper-right corner?

Some sad news: author and illustrator Maurice Sendak, who was known for "Where the TR hoodiezuckerbergWild Things Are," passed away on Tuesday. 

Apparently hoodies are not THE thing on Wall Street.  Some analyst named Michael Pachter took Zuck's attire as a sign of immaturity, that the Facebook executive doesn't take investors seriously.  For a company already worth billions, Mark Zuckerberg is certainly a terrible CEO.

Contrary to what the media claims, Rick Santorum is not the latest high-profile figure to endorse Mitt Romney.  No, that honor goes to "Admiral General Aladeen." Aladeen is backing "Mitchell" for his wealth and treatment of pets.  It's been a tough week for ol' Mittens.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Before we continue, we want to wish all of our moms a Happy Mother’s Day.  Some of us are running around last minute, trying to think about something creative to buy or make for our moms.  Fortunately, there are plenty of options at our fingertips for last-minute shoppers.  Happy Mother’s Day!

So you have this amazing project that you’ve been dreaming up for years, and now you are on the cusp of launching a social media campaign.  You have great ideas about this campaign.  You are planning to utilize Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr as the three major platforms for this project.  But you are missing one important piece of the puzzle: you haven’t thought about when the best times are to post.  For example, it’s a good idea to limit posts to Facebook after 8 p.m. and before 8 a.m. during the week and on weekends.  If you have a Tumblr, you had better be posting content on Sundays, Mondays, and Tuesdays.  Best of luck on your launch!

Out on the Town

Do something special for mom this Mother's Day!
  • There will be jazz, food, and more at BikeFest at Eastern Market.
Scorecard

Well, isn't that something?  Joe Biden opens his mouth, Barack is a-okay with same-sex marriage, and Mitt Romney is facing a firestorm over bullying.  We can only hope for a more interesting week.

Until next time,

RoyalExecutioner

Friday, May 4, 2012

5-4-12: Why is Ted Nugent Still Hanging Out with "Brain Dead" Liberals on CBS?

There's a new book out that has the Obama people on the edge.  Although there are no earth-shattering revelations, Barry's haters say the author paints a picture of a calculating and ambitious young man.  And of course, we were absolutely surprised about the angle the Washington Times took on this one.

Haters gotta hate.

The Week That Was

Forward!  The Obama 2012 campaign has finally chosen THE slogan that will mesmerize followers of the great community organizer.  And you can bet the wing-nut critics have their own theories of why Messina & Co. chose that word.  The Moonie Times dug up the dirt from the bowels of Wikipedia, of all places.  It's not new news that NObama is a European Marxist.  But from Kenya?  Not a chance.

Sneaky reporters this week caught Mitt Romney (and Rudy) handing off some fresh pizza to an ever-loyal aide.  Were the pies, in fact, a form of staff compensation? We will never know for sure.  Speaking of loyal subjects: the Romney campaign is said to be seething at British Prime Minister David Cameron for lavishing praise on President Obama during the state visit last March.  Mittens is hoping to kiss up to Mr. Cameron while attending the opening ceremony of the Olympics in London.  (Romney confidants say the trip will boost his foreign policy credentials).  Why is Mittens placing Great Britain ahead of America? Traitor.

Another week and another report of that Barack Obama wasting your tax dollars for political gain.  Of course his predecessor cannot be accused of the same.  Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan to sign a security agreement with Hamid Karzai.  The trip was "clearly [...] campaign related," said closet climate change-backer Jim Inhofe.  Gramps, meanwhile, emerged from the old-folks home to tell his former foe to stop bragging.  Also, did Twitter almost blow Obama's cover?   

Yesterday was World Press Freedom Day.  It is a day to celebrate and increase awareness of freedom of the press and honor journalists who have lost their lives in their profession.  Hillz reminds us of the sacrifices members of the press make while in search of the truth.  While we're still talking about the press, we have some sad news to share: the American Prospect, a progressive political magazine, is close to shuttering, unless TR owssfsignificant funds can be raised.  The Prospect may continue forward as a strictly digital publication. 

Occupy Wall Street took part in actions across the country, but a large number of self-identified anarchists ruined the May Day festivities.  In San Francisco, Wells Fargo donated $25k to businesses affected by rioting.  So much for demonizing the banks.  And the FBI arrested 5 suspected anarchists who were plotting to blow up a bridge and financial institutions in Ohio.  There's still plenty of crazy people back home.

Have you been following this Chinese activist story closely?  Chinese officials say Chen Guancheng can apply to study abroad "like normal people." That's quite a compromise!  Guancheng had been under house arrest before escaping briefly to the U.S. Embassy in Beijing.  House Republicans (yes, they too have a link to this story) took a call from the man of the hour during a congressional hearing.  Absolutely not a stunt, peeps.  It's great to see compassion coming from these guys.

Are You Not Entertained?

So, fess up, Turner fans.  Did any of you attend the White House Correspondents' Dinner?  Let us know privately.  *Wink, wink*.  Obama brought down the house, getting in a few zings at Mittens, and likely gushing at the audience, knowing that he's knocked off some other most-wanted terrorist.  But what's this?  Allen West was also in attendance.  He ripped the occasion while wining and dining with the best of the best.  Allen West, never a friend of the media crowd.  Ha!

Ted Nugent was back on the celebrity circuit to complain about how brain dead liberals caused him to threaten his president.  CBS is the wrong outlet for you, Ted.  Go ahead and fire your assistant.  That would save a few brain cells.  

Oh, that feeling of rejection.  Hillary is a little occupied at the moment to make the leap to Hollywood, Mr. Segel.  Just have the Muppets ready to go at a moment's notice.  You never know.

The cast of the West Wing reunited for a walk and talk all the way back to the Oval Office.  A funny PSA, huh? Unfortunately, it's also timely.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Now that you’ve learned how to master Facebook Timeline for your business, it’s time to make yourself more familiar with Facebook ads.  Before you leap off a cliff, make sure that you have a clear understanding of the advertising options available and which of them is the best fit for your brand.  You also have the option of utilizing traditional ads and sponsored stories, the latter of which utilizes “voice of friend.”  Research has shown that people are more likely to click ads if a friend has “liked” a brand.  This is just a sample of tips for Facebook advertising.  Do you have more questions? Perhaps we at Turner Central can help you.  Just ask us.

Pinterest goes Pinternational!  The social media site is looking for translators, starting with French, German, Japanese, Portuguese and Spanish.  Of course, Pinterest is already used by many overseas to share beautiful images.  Translations will make the experience even better.  Language lovers, sign up now!

Out on the Town

Happy Cinco de Mayo!
  • More than 40 embassies are opening their doors to tours tomorrow.    
Scorecard

Pizza.  That just had to be the first scandal of the Mitt Romney campaign.  His servants are doing a mighty fine job running a tight ship.  Uh, except the Richard Grennell thing.  Maybe Mittens should have kept him on board during this Chinese activist story, which will no doubt be in the news forever.  Whoops.

See you all next week!

RoyalExecutioner