Cheer up, commuters. You deserve a little snark every now and then.
The Week That Was
The Senate voted in favor of reauthorizing the Violence Against Women Act on Thursday. An astonishing number of Republicans joined Democrats to pass legislation that would ban discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity in programs funded by the Act; increase the number of visas issued to battered illegal immigrants; and add new protections for tribal Indian women. We have a theory, and it's just a theory, folks: House Republicans will stop this version of the bill cold.
Stingy check bouncer Newt Gingrich has thrown in the towel, folks. Before Tuesday's route by the Romney-bot, our favorite pro-child labor candidate had no chance the nomination, and now has announced the suspension of his campaign. Unfortunately, the celebration must wait until Tuesday. Sources say the Gingrichs will soon be off to a restful cruise in the Mediterranean, where the couple can spend time away from the common folk. Well deserved, sir!
Why is John Boehner panicking about November all of a sudden? The soon-to-be (former?) Speaker calculates that there's a one-in-three chance he'll have to give up the gavel. Boehner's troops are providing ample help in his quest towards ex-speakership. Allen West is on a roll as of late. Although the Congressman is not actively pursuing communists, there's still that nagging issue involving Muslim Brotherhood infiltration of the FBI. Meanwhile, one Missouri congressman likened federal student loans to "stage three cancer of socialism." We need to visit some of these districts. It would be like going on an expedition to Mars.
Congressional campaign follies will be our savior this campaign season as the Romney-bot lurches the country into a slumber. Joe the Plumber had some words for his Christian brother, Barack Obama. In a letter to the Christian Broadcasting Network (of course), "Sam" manages to describe our Dear Leader with these colorful words: communism, cocaine, marijuana, Islam and Muslim. Gee golly, isn't this what the doctor ordered? The Yahoo! reporter gave us the laughs because apparently Sam "wrote" the letter. Also, this late breaking news: Michigan Rep. John Dingell has finally learned the significance of teabagging.
In other news, Walmart, the embodiment of American capitalism and ethical standards, found itself in a real pickle this week. It seems a few top executives at Walmart de Mexico couldn't resist paying off a few local bureaucrats in order to dominate retail business within our southern neighbor. There's nothing wrong with this, though. Walmart was just letting the market do it's thing, with a little sweetener on the side, of course. No wonder the immigration trend has reversed.
Are You Not Entertained
Cool is the new celebrity. No one can forget that infamous campaign ad from the 2008 Gramps campaign. And now, Dubya's turd blossom brain has launched a sequel! Slow jamming the news is so Hollywood.
Fox "News" Infotainment entertainer Monica Crowley was informed that Sandra Fluke became engaged to her boyfriend, so she sent out a funny tweet, insinuating that Sandra is a lesbian. Monica is flabbergasted! She says the Left lacks a sense of humor. For reasons unknown to us, Monica does not read the Turner Report.
Something else about the Fox News fiends crossed our desks this morning: Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan will be the cable channel's guests at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Wait, this is very confusing to us family values people. Then again, if you scroll down halfway on Foxnews.com, you will see that they are serious about this stuff.
People watching free broadcasting have become their own niche audience. Networks are now more than ever pushing advertising dollars toward online streaming sites such as Hulu and Netflix. For some consumers, even cable service is out the window. Change is a comin', y'all.
Do you know your Klout Score? Do you even know what Klout is? In the social media world, your online influence matters. It matters even to just get a job interview. We know it probably sounds weird to some people, but it's true. So, don't waste your time -- start branding yourself to build your online identity. And always make sure that you don't post something that could cost you in the future. You do remember Anthony Weiner, right?
It was definitely worth the wait for the launch of the new iPad app for LinkedIn. The fully redesigned app for tablets looks awesome! It is simple, clean and three options: updates, profile and inbox. We at Turner Central have already downloaded the new app and started using it. What are you waiting for?
Out on the Town
We don't know about you, we're so over the wet weather. Anywho, have fun this weekend, rain or shine.
- PetalFest is the closing party of the National Cherry Blossom Festival.
- Bike AND eat (do they really go together?) through Northwest DC.
- Everyone is attending the Sweetlife Festival, including you.
- Maryland Day is here for Marylanders...and outsiders.
- Enjoy everything French at the Georgetown French Market today and Saturday.
- Former SNL'er Tim Meadows performs some stand-up comedy at the Arlington Cinema 'N' Drafthouse.
- The Redskins Draft Day Party is this Saturday.
- Listen to music and maybe go canoeing at the Anacostia River and Jazz Festival.
- Bill Cosby performs at the JFK Center tomorrow.
- Forward Festival: Flow is this Sunday.
The general election season has arrived. And, oh my, what a bore it already is. Barry is set to kick things off on May 5, and Bubba has cut a new ad just in time. Your turn, Mittens. Oh, heck, just give us a tranquilizer.
Happy Friday! See you next week.