Friday, April 27, 2012

4-27-12: Communism, Socialism, and Walmart

Good news, everyone! Despite protests from riders, the Washington Metropolitan Area Transportation Authority Board has given the green light (no pun intended) to fare increases.  Updating the computer systems and installing new signs will take up to two months, so no rush.  Thankfully, all of the escalators will be in operating condition by then!

Cheer up, commuters.  You deserve a little snark every now and then.

The Week That Was

The Senate voted in favor of reauthorizing the Violence Against Women Act on Thursday.  An astonishing number of Republicans joined Democrats to pass legislation that would ban discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity in programs TR mcconnellsadfacefunded by the Act; increase the number of visas issued to battered illegal immigrants; and add new protections for tribal Indian women.  We have a theory, and it's just a theory, folks: House Republicans will stop this version of the bill cold

Stingy check bouncer Newt Gingrich has thrown in the towel, folks.  Before Tuesday's route by the Romney-bot, our favorite pro-child labor candidate had no chance the nomination, and now has announced the suspension of his campaign.  Unfortunately, the celebration must wait until Tuesday.  Sources say the Gingrichs will soon be off to a restful cruise in the Mediterranean, where the couple can spend time away from the common folk.  Well deserved, sir! 

Why is John Boehner panicking about November all of a sudden? The soon-to-be (former?) Speaker calculates that there's a one-in-three chance he'll have to give up the gavel.  Boehner's troops are providing ample help in his quest towards ex-speakership.  Allen West is on a roll as of late.  Although the Congressman is not actively pursuing communists, there's still that nagging issue involving Muslim Brotherhood infiltration of the FBI.  Meanwhile, one Missouri congressman likened federal student loans to "stage three cancer of socialism." We need to visit some of these districts.  It would be like going on an expedition to Mars.

Congressional campaign follies will be our savior this campaign season as the Romney-bot lurches the country into a slumber.  Joe the Plumber had some words for his Christian brother, Barack Obama.  In a letter to the Christian Broadcasting Network (of course), "Sam" manages to describe our Dear Leader with these colorful words: communism, cocaine, marijuana, Islam and Muslim.  Gee golly, isn't this what the doctor ordered?  The Yahoo! reporter gave us the laughs because apparently Sam "wrote" the letter.  Also, this late breaking news: Michigan Rep. John Dingell has finally learned the significance of teabagging.

In other news, Walmart, the embodiment of American capitalism and ethical standards, found itself in a real pickle this week.  It seems a few top executives at Walmart de Mexico couldn't resist paying off a few local bureaucrats in order to dominate retail business within our southern neighbor.  There's nothing wrong with this, though.  Walmart was just letting the market do it's thing, with a little sweetener on the side, of course.  No wonder the immigration trend has reversed.

Are You Not Entertained

Cool is the new celebrity.  No one can forget that infamous campaign ad from the 2008 Gramps campaign.  And now, Dubya's turd blossom brain has launched a sequel! Slow jamming the news is so Hollywood.

Fox "News" Infotainment entertainer Monica Crowley was informed that Sandra Fluke became engaged to her boyfriend, so she sent out a funny tweet, insinuating that Sandra is a TR foxnewssignlesbian.  Monica is flabbergasted!  She says the Left lacks a sense of humor.  For reasons unknown to us, Monica does not read the Turner Report.

Something else about the Fox News fiends crossed our desks this morning: Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan will be the cable channel's guests at the White House Correspondents Dinner.  Wait, this is very confusing to us family values people.  Then again, if you scroll down halfway on Foxnews.com, you will see that they are serious about this stuff.

People watching free broadcasting have become their own niche audience.  Networks are now more than ever pushing advertising dollars toward online streaming sites such as Hulu and Netflix.  For some consumers, even cable service is out the window.  Change is a comin', y'all. 

Interweb Tomfoolery

Do you know your Klout Score?  Do you even know what Klout is?  In the social media world, your online influence matters.  It matters even to just get a job interview.  We know it probably sounds weird to some people, but it's true.  So, don't waste your time -- start branding yourself to build your online identity.  And always make sure that you don't post something that could cost you in the future.  You do remember Anthony Weiner, right?

It was definitely worth the wait for the launch of the new iPad app for LinkedIn.  The fully redesigned app for tablets looks awesome!  It is simple, clean and three options: updates, profile and inbox.  We at Turner Central have already downloaded the new app and started using it.  What are you waiting for?

Out on the Town

We don't know about you, we're so over the wet weather.  Anywho, have fun this weekend, rain or shine.
  • PetalFest is the closing party of the National Cherry Blossom Festival.
  • Bike AND eat (do they really go together?) through Northwest DC.
  • Former SNL'er Tim Meadows performs some stand-up comedy at the Arlington Cinema 'N' Drafthouse.  
  • Bill Cosby performs at the JFK Center tomorrow.  
Scorecard

The general election season has arrived.  And, oh my, what a bore it already is.  Barry is set to kick things off on May 5, and Bubba has cut a new ad just in time.  Your turn, Mittens.  Oh, heck, just give us a tranquilizer.  

Happy Friday! See you next week.

RoyalExecutioner

Friday, April 20, 2012

4-20-12: You're on the Wrong Side of History, Grand Old Party

Were you lucky enough to witness Discovery's final voyage, (or, according to some Twitter historians, Challenger)?  It looks like a few of us need to retake high school US history.  Anyways, depending on your view of NASA or the shuttle program and its demise, Discovery was either making a final salute to our nation's capital, or receiving the middle finger from Washington 'reformers.' Guess we'll be stuck on this planet for a little while longer, folks.

We're boldly going...to the stone age (in Mississippi).

The Week That Was

April 17th was National Equal Pay Day, the day which represents when women must work through to equal the pay of men from all of last year.  A new report by the National Women's Law Center finds that while men were hit particularly hard at the beginning of the Great Recession, women were largely left behind in the first TR warwomentwo and a half years of the recovery.  Advocates say cutting public services will only make the situation worse.  But what is this that the Politico is reporting? "Republicans to slash food stamps." Well that's one way to show compassion, we guess?

Get ready for President Mitt Romney!  Rick Santorum has surrendered to mediocrity, and besides the Cookie Monster, there's nothing between Romney and Tampa.  Then of course, there's that Barack Obama, who will not relinquish the castle for anything less than $800 million  -- easy pickings for someone selling inauguration access nine months out!  Come down to Earth now, Mitt.  When the Romneys arrive in Washington on a cold January morning, Seamus will no doubt be enjoying the high life strapped atop an armored SUV.  Meanwhile, conservatives are grasping at straws again -- this time because young Barry Soetoro was "introduced to dog meat" in a foreign land.  Happy Birthday, Ann!
 
The last couple of weeks have been rough for the federal workforce.  Congress and those Americans who dare pay attention to the news are mad as hell, thanks to the fine, hard-working ethics of a cadre of General Services Administration employees.  We've now learned that the Las Vegas "scouting" trips weren't the only high-level, stress-inducing cross-country junkets.  Take notice, peeps: pleading the Fifth is THE thing to do nowadays.  We feel sorry for the GSA staffers involved in this total misunderstanding!  Lucky for them, the Romney campaign is staffing up for the general election, and we hear that there will be plenty of opportunities for luxury hotel squattingSpirit Airlines is also taking applications.

Obama was in Colombia this past weekend for the Summit of Americas.  The news media did a phenomenal job covering the President's work to secure new trade agreements.  Oh, wait.  No, they didn't.  A number of Secret Service officers and military personnel were involved in 'procuring services' from prostitutes prior to the arrival of Obama and his delegation.  Thanks for undermining the boss.

India tested a nuclear-capable missile with a range of more than 3,000 miles.  Shocking, yes?  But we don't blame you if you didn't hear about this.  Long-range weapons or a prostitute scandal?  Be honest, if you were the mainstream media, which story would you choose?  India, Pakistan and China, all nuclear capable.  That's a story worthy of coverage.  That is if there's someone still around for the scoop.

Are You Not Entertained?

America's Oldest Teenager, Dick Clark, passed away at the age of 82.  His "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve" specials were a particular fixture on ABC.  2012 without a New Year's Eve?  Coincidence?

The Boston Bruins' Tim Thomas, who infamously spurned an invitation to meet his communist leader, could not escape some harmless trolling by Capitals' fans.  Try that again, Tim, and you may wind up seeing Barry in person. 

Rich Ross is out as chairman of Walt Disney's film studios.  His resignation comes in the aftermath of John Carter.  The film cost a fortune to produce but bombed upon release.  Disney estimates a loss of between $80 to $120 million on the film.  Not even a pair of magic mouse mittens could save him this time.

Ted Nugent, who is probably the most ignorant teabagger in the music world, had a sit-down with a couple of Secret Service agents after threatening violence against Democrats, including Obama.  Sorry liberals, he just got a slap on the wrist.

Hey, Glendale, Ca., Kim Kardashian fans!  Now is your chance to endorse the reality star in her dream of becoming mayor of your quaint town.  Apparently the news was so relevant that Bill O had to chime in.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Brand managers will be delighted to here about Facebook's new Action Measurements dashboard, which is scheduled to be released later this month or in early May.  Users will be able to closely track their ROI for their advertising efforts.  Facebook is not alone in rolling out products that measure online advertising activity.  Google is in the process of pushing out Brand Activate.  Among the many tools available, Brand Activate allows you to measure "viewed impressions" (similar to viewing ads on the television screen but online) and allows users to make real-time adjustments to their campaigns. 

Are you still crazy for Pinterest but can't pull yourself away from Facebook?  Enter Pinview, a new app launched this week that allows you to modify your Facebook news feed into a grid format.  So go forth and pin away! Or is it 'like'?

Out on the Town

Hey, it's 4/20.  What's so special about today?  Oh, ha ha!  Don't worry -- we won't tell anyone if you don't.
  • 39 countries represented in 75 films -- all part of Filmfest DC 
  • Watch the sailboats at the Cherry Blossom Regatta. 
  • Unlimited oysters for all during Oyster Fest in Dupont and Old Town. 
  • Journalist and author Ben Anderson discusses Afghanistan at Politics & Prose.  
Scorecard

Republicans sure enjoy painting themselves in the corner, don't they?  The Violence Against Women Act is set to expire later this year, an election year, no less.  So why not show some compassion and progress?  We think Chuck's explanation sums up the Grand Old Party's position: "[VAWA] is a solution in search of a problem." 

November seems so far away.


RoyalExecutioner

Friday, April 6, 2012

4-6-12: Seamus, We're Halfway Home!

Recently, New York Times reporter Kevin Roose became bored one day, called a few of his billionaire friends and became a billionaire for a day.  The private jet, the car, the food -- he had it all, if only for a short time.  Years from now, when we're all waist-high in worthless American currency, we'll look back at 2012 as the year when we could all join the most exclusive of golf clubs. (Uh, unless you're a woman).  How far we've come!

Moving along...

The Week That Was

A jubilant Mitt Romney has finally racked up enough delegates to cross the halfway mark.  It seems the GOP base is still not enamored by the flip-flopping liberal elitist from Massachusetts!  DC Republicans (all three of them) held their noses in the voting booth and delivered for our Mittens.  Maryland and Wisconsin also handed big wins to Romney.  There are now rumors on the internets about staff disillusion in the Santorum campaign.  Is anyone hiring?

Back to the Supreme Court health care fight -- it's getting feisty between the executive and judicial branches, and that's a concern.  First, Barry made a snarky remark lamenting judicial activism.  Boy, we haven't heard that one before!  The Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals demanded to know if the Obama Administration believes that a federal court has the authority to strike down federal law.  AG Eric Holder delivered a prompt response just hours before the deadline.  He's playing with you, folks!  The Righties, though, are convinced the Usurper had forgotten about Marbury v. Madison.  In their dreams!      

While we're on the subject of cry-babies: Obama called the Paul Ryan budget proposal a Trojan horse filled with radical policies.  (We happen to disagree, as there's nothing radical nor slimy about a GOP budget plan that hurts women and the poor).  Ryan, for his part, joined Speaker Boehner and accused the President of pushing forward with a "failed agenda." Reporters later caught the duo hashing out an earmark deal with Tea Party members.  Traitors.

Police arrested Francis Grady in connection with a bombing of a Planned Parenthood clinic in Wisconsin.  While authorities haven't determined a motive for the attack, they know Grady has a history of run-ins with the law.  The clinic reopened the day after the bombing.  In related news, Mississippi's governor says he will sign into law HB 1390, which requires all physicians performing TR welcometomsabortions to have admitting privileges with a local hospital.  Only one doctor in the state's sole abortion clinic has such privileges.  The clinic's owner, Diane Derzis, says this is the case because of threats and the fact that local hospitals rarely give admitting privileges to out-of-state physicians.  So much for Southern hospitality.   

What are we to make of the JOBS Act, the latest economic legislation to receive Obama's signature?  Labor is mad as hell because they argue that loosening regulations will prove disastrous to working people while rewarding the speculators on Wall Street.  Obama and the bill's supporters say the new crowd-sourcing provisions will boost small business growth, particularly among start-ups.  The law will also remove "antiquated investing laws" that some claim are backbreaking to business.  Now that it's a done deal, keep your fingers crossed that the law won't help the Goldman Sachs of the world.

Are You Not Entertained?

Sister Sarah took a break from her reality show career to join the cast of the Today Show.  The former governor shared her insights on the 2012 campaign, pleading with the eventual nominee to "go rogue" when selecting a VP candidate.  Palin handily defeated her lamestream arch-nemisis, Katie Couric.  How have her adoring fans reacted to her appearance on communist television?  Click here if you must know.

Geek-gasm alert! A few weeks ago, Nichelle "Uhura" Nichols paid a visit to Mr. Spock himself in the Oval Office.  Live long and prosper, to both of you.

The Moonie Times has a scandalous exclusive!  At an Associated Press luncheon, the news organization's board chairman serenaded President Obama with an "icky love song." That description, from an objective Washington Times reporter, should be taken at face value. 

Bam! Keith Olbermann was shown the door at Current TV late last week.  Al Gore and other executives had had it with the former MSNBC host and fired him a year into a five-year and $50 million contract.  Now Keith is suing.  Please let us know when the next teevee executive hires you, Keith.  That will be the day.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Pinterest has made a name for itself among the social media giants.  It’s become an amazing tool for business and consumers and continues to drive a serious amount of traffic. Now, there’s Pinerly, a new analytics tool that can tell you how well your Pinterest campaign is performing.  More than 35,000 users have already signed up and it’s only been available to the general public for a week!  So what are you waiting for?  Head on over to Pinerly and create an account. You can also submit your ideas and comments to the company.  They do listen to suggestions and feedback. Trust us!

Beliebers around the world had the chance to listen to the new single by engaging Justin on Twitter.  Our Biebs is using social media effectively, once again.  We’re giving him a (digital) high-five and letting him know about an upcoming Turner Central hit. (Stay tuned peeps -- we will soon be releasing our own single).  Okay, back to Justin.  What is his secret to his social media success?  Besides regular updates related to his music and performances, Bieber often tweets photos and other tidbits about his life.  This allows Bieber to present himself as an authentic, regular person, just like his fans.  Biebs: Turner Central is cheering for you.  (Okay, uh, not all of us are).

Shameless Self-Promotion

Our apologies for not posting this last week!  Former Turner staffer Theresa Farrage recently appeared on The Morning Blend (Omaha) to discuss a fashion show that benefited urban community building and reconciliation programs.  Way to go, Theresa!

Out on the Town

Some of you have already jetted out of town for the weekend.  For those staying behind, here are a few suggestions:

  • Survivors of the Rwandan Genocide will lead a remembrance event on the Mall on Sunday.  
Scorecard

Is Rick Santorum's pow-wow with conservatives a sign that he'll drop out before the primary in his beloved Pennsylvania?  Sadly for Rick, Mittens has already turned the page and crowned himself the nomination.  Seamus is no doubt rolling in his grave.


See you next week!

RoyalExecutioner