Friday, February 24, 2012

02-24-12: Mitt Romney Speaks to No One

"We're turning the corner." Those, the infamous words of our Former President George W. Bush. Yes, indeed we are! The economy is picking up steam as unemployment heads down. And you know what? All you have to do is take a stroll on the GWU campus to see that the economy has been especially kind to a few...parents. But, hey, with gas prices on the rise, everyone will be feeling the pinch, including a Florida congressman.

Please remember to snark it up before you hit the road!

The Week That Was

Some exciting news we have to share with you today: we managed to sit through a CNN info-tainment "debate" program without gouging our eyes out over John King's reminders that, yes, this Republican primary includes REPUBLICAN candidates. Tell us something we don't know, John. We enjoyed the back and forth TR romneybucksbetween Romney and Santorum, and the sprinkles of joy from the two candidates - Ron Paul and Newt - who were only asked to participate to add some spice on stage.

Back at the White House, Barry is beaming with delight, watching as Mitt burns through millions to stay afloat while cracking lame jokes about his exuberant wealth in an empty stadium. This has many insiders worried about a Mitt-acular implosion leading to a brokered convention. (And let us not forget about the lodgings fit for a king). We hear the GOP is holding auditions to find a suitable replacement. As the remaining GOP candidates tear each other to pieces, guess what that socialist Kenyan usurper is doing behind our backs? Proposing some cool corporate tax breaks, because that's the American way. Take that, you down-trodden 1%!

Little did our Former Queen of Snark (and Goddess Divine) know that learning to churn butter at the age of six in a suburban mom's basement was "paganism" or an introduction to a "homosexual lifestyle." (Neither, actually, as Newt would suggest). In fact, if she remembers correctly, the entire POINT of being a Girl Scout Brownie was to learn to be a good household helper. Scottish "brownies" were little creatures who crept into the house in the middle of the night and cleaned them up - much to the delight of the fathers of the households. But the REAL reason for Girl Scouts is far more nefarious - selling cookies, building the great Girl Scouts of America industrial complex, and contributing to this great nation's obesity crisis!

There's a rumor in Richmond that Gov. Bob McDonnell would jump at the chance to be No. 2 of whatever sinking GOP ticket takes on Obama in the fall. Earlier this week, McDonnell backed away from his "unconditional support" of a bill requiring women to have an ultrasound before an abortion. Why the change of heart? Apparently, the Governor and his aides just realized that "transvaginal ultrasounds" sounded (no pun intended) far too invasive for their small-government tastes. The bill went down in flames on Thursday. Be it Virginia to introduce some other legislative dung sometime in the near future.

Syria is under pressure from Arab and Western nations to implement an immediate cease fire to allow relief supplies to reach civilians. UN officials say that Syrian forces have killed unarmed women and children and targeted residential neighborhoods. The International Red Cross had previously called for a cease fire only to be rebuffed. Two wounded foreign journalists injured in an attack have been unable to leave the country for medical treatment due to the ongoing siege. That same attack killed two of their colleagues. Looks like we're just twiddling our thumbs for the time being.

Hooray for America and another week of angering people in faraway places! Two US soldiers and at least ten Afghans have been killed following the "accidental burning" of copies of the Quran. The US Ambassador to Afghanistan hand delivered an official apology from President Obama to President Karzai, in which a full investigation of the matter has been promised. Would you be interested in reading comments from wing-nuts about our dear apologist leader? Of course you would! (Drag in Israel and Iran and you'll garner even more!).

Are You Not Entertained?

A reminder: the Academy Awards is this Sunday.

Lou Dobbs has settled on The Lorax in his latest war to save the American way of life. Obama's liberal Hollywood friends are producing films as part of a master plan to indoctrinate children against big business. There's a reason Lou is on the Fox Business Network.

Speaking of Hollywood values, Lou, here's something that should wind you up: the latest film of the American Pie series arrives in April. Where's the outrage now? Gosh, we feel old.

We wish all the best to Melissa Harris-Perry, who debuted as the anchor of MSNBC's newest show. She's already proven that she can tackle issues that transcend gender, race and politics. We can count on Melissa to separate the BS from fact as the Right cranks up their social agenda machine in the lead up to November.

Aides to Sarah Palin aren't flattered, to say the least, about their boss' portrayal in HBO's Game Change special. She's not running for president or serving in the Obama Administration so what's their beef? You heard the producers: they're sticking with the historical truth. 

Interweb Tomfoolery

Let's get real folks, there are no ethical smartphones (or cameras, computers, televisions, etc.). However, several technology companies are making strides to improve worker conditions and protect the environment. Apple allowed ABC News a peek behind the scenes at Foxconn, one of the largest manufacturers of electronic devices. Hopefully, more good news can come from the MakeItFairs of the world, but, of course, you'll have to find out on Twitter and Facebook, using that nifty computer or phone of yours.

Social media application gurus are costing the very networks they use billions of dollars in revenue each year. More people are using applications for social messaging instead of the traditional short message service (SMS). The total loss last year was $13.9 billion.

Here's a link that will make you a bit squeamish this Friday afternoon. The first ever open-heart surgery tweeted live! (You can thank us on Monday!). Apparently, the producers of Grey's Anatomy performed a similar tweeting surgery-thon, but we finally caught up.

Fancy Target shoppers will be glad to know how far the company has gone to ensure it knows exactly what your next purchase will be and when pregnant women are due. Okay, this is a bit creepy. Doesn't this sound a little bit, uh, invasive? Virginia, anyone?

Today's burger-flipping crime story comes to us from Madison, Wisconsin. Jason Summers arrived at Wendy's dressed to impress, intending to pass off as a newly-hired manager. The current manager did a little digging and called 911. Summers had no prior association with the restaurant chain, but "probably has had experience cooking a cheeseburger in the past."

Social Media Round-up

Now that most of us have switched our personal Facebook page to the new Timeline, we shouldn’t be surprised that Facebook is rolling out the same treatment for businesses. Please don’t freak out 0- you still have some time to clean things up. Rumor is Facebook will be “Timelining” the pages of big brand names by the end of the month, followed closely behind with smaller businesses. You can be ready for the change if you do your homework. Think to yourselves: do you want your company logo in the profile or cover photo, or maybe both? Perhaps you’re thinking of placing that snazzy staff photo on your cover. Your Facebook page will be like an online scrapbook and as always, have fun using it!

If 2008 was the year of the first “Internet Presidential election,” 2012 will be historic for the digital advertising industry. All of the major candidates have YouTube channels with videos developed to target specific voter blocs and individual voters. For example, Mitt Romney’s “How to Caucus for Mitt in Iowa” video was aimed at caucus-goers who had participated before. Digital advertising has surged dramatically for political campaigns, especially on Facebook. Some tips that no campaign can ignore can be found here.

Out on the Town

Finally some good weather to enjoy, people. Let's just forget about that whole climate change thing!
  • Former Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold is in town for a book signing.
  • The Hamilton is opening its doors for East Coasters who can't make it to Hollywood for the big night.
  • You could also perform the ancient tradition of watching films at a theater for a best picture marathon.  
  • Have you ever participated in a spelling bee in which you were required to drink?  
Scorecard

Well, today must be a delightfully disastrous day for Mitt Romney. We get it - you're wealthy beyond our wildest dreams and you've got a few Cadillacs to show it. But you couldn't fill up a stadium; not even with a few holograms.

Until next week,


RoyalExecutioner


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