Friday, January 6, 2012

1-6-12: Only Pat Robertson Knows Who Our Next President Will Be

Welcome back! Are you ready for a new year of endless snark and war blogging from the campaign front? Haha, like we'd give you a choice. From Iowa to New Hampshire, to South Carolina and beyond, we'll be there. Just remember to fill the 'fridge for the long journey ahead, or you'll end up like these poor souls.

All aboard!

The Week That Was

Iowa GOP caucus-goers put on quite a show for the news peeps Tuesday night and early Wednesday morning. We now know that the Register was prepared. Mitt Romney pulled off a landslide victory--... Haha, only in Romneyland. The reality: Google celebrity Rick Santorum gave Mittens a run for his money with a possible first-place win. And this was all because of a friendly Facebooker. We kid. Meanwhile, Ron Paul - poor thing - came in third AND declared victory. Don't give up, Little Ron. An ungracious Newt Gingrich left the cornfields before the final results were tallied, slipping into the darkness on a second boom that went bust. Rick Perry surprised his staff, who are pretty much the only people he can surprise these days, by staying in the race. And let's give a warm round of applause to Minnesota, which will soon welcome home their dearest Michele Bachmann.

Stop the presses - Pat Robertson has the answer to the question that to this day eludes our best/most annoying loud-mouth pundits: Who will be our next President? God has revealed the victor to good old Pat, but the televangelist is keeping his lips sealed (except, of course, to tell us that he knows). Helpful hint from a mere mortal: it'll either be Obama or a guy with a (R) beside his name. We will now look no farther than Pat and the grand warlock of Mexico for all of our political news.

The US economy added 200,000 jobs in December, pushing the unemployment rate down to 8.5%. Consumer confidence also rose, and analysts say this good news isn't just a fluke. We sure hope it's not.

Obama made a quick trip to the Pentagon to back up his Defense Secretary at the unveiling of a new strategic plan that envisions a leaner fighting force amidst budget cuts through the next decade. Don't worry, though - we'll still be able to fight and win the next war future President Perry drags us in to. Yeehaw!
TR cordray
Not even a full week into the New Year and here we have our first major spat between Senate Republicans and the White House. Our esteemed leader bypassed Congress to place former Ohio AG Richard Cordray in charge of the newly-created Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. Republicans and their lackeys at the Chamber smell something fishy. You know, it's not like we needed protection from corporations, anyways.

The Taliban is moving forward with plans to open an office in Qatar - a sign that that the insurgents might be willing to achieve "an understanding with other nations" by diplomacy rather than guns. The Taliban still maintains that it will not negotiate with Afghan's president, Hamid Karzai. The family of an American soldier kidnapped more than two years ago has high hopes that talks may lead to a possible release.

Are You Not Entertained?

As expected, CNN's Iowa coverage left quite a number of us with cringes on our faces as we watched the network's oversimplified over-simplicity. Anderson took us behind the scenes of something called the 'cube.' This is apparently where CNN staffers "crunch the numbers" for us to digest. Try to forget about the screen showing an Associated Press logo. Whoops. Stephen Colbert also took a few whacks at CNN and its competitors.

Contrary to lamestream media reports, the great state of Iowa is not populated only by close-minded hillbillies. Seriously!

Rejected! Utter humiliation is the only thing we can think of to describe a marriage proposal gone wrong in front of thousands of basketball fans. This isn't a UCLA-only thing, right?

Martha Stewart's show has been canceled. The ratings are off and production costs have skyrocketed. Her company takes issue with the unnamed sources. Don't we all.

Interweb Tomfoolery

The world is ending. No, it's just Rupy joining the Twitter. We'll give him some credit, though - a few tweets are, shall we say, fair and balanced. But, what is this OCW Rupert speaks of?

You'd never think you'd see the day when the upper-middle class takes to the streets in anger. That is precisely what will happen when Starbucks and the New York Times empties your wallet.

Google denies that it paid bloggers to promote its Chrome web browser. Blame the ad agency, because that always works!

On second thought, we'll pass on that Mountain Dew. It's a good thing that our bodies can handle the acid intake!

The tale of an infatuated cop and a speeding ticket: Chris, a self-described "ugly bald Stickney cop" tried wooing a woman that he had earlier issued a speeding ticket to. Stalking never works. Now she's filed a lawsuit.

Fridays with Abigail

We'll be back next week!

Out on the Town

It's time to get back into the (DC) groove of things!

  • Last chance to freeze yourself in ICE  
  • Last chance to catch the Jersey Boys at the National Theater 
Scorecard

Will the Santorum Surge (teehee!) last? We're sorry to see Michele Bachmann leaving the stage, but she'll back in Washington providing much needed comedic relief. Now it's just Romney vs. every other REAL conservative voter. See you all in New Hampshire.

Enjoy your weekend,


RoyalExecutioner


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