Friday, January 13, 2012

1-13-12: Chris Christie is a Donut Burglar

Snow! DC peeps experienced a single day of the white stuff, but levels were nowhere near enough for a snowball fight in Dupont or a government shutdown (we'll leave that to the professional politicians). We don't know about you, but we're praying for a little more snowflakes here at Turner Central.

Let's get on with the news...

The Week That Was

Record-breaking pink-slipper Mitt Romney couldn't be happier! After spending five years running for President in New Hampshire, the ultimate insider candidate couldn't top 40% in the nation's first primary. The Santorum Surge is no more (must have been that communist thing) and the Ron Paul fan-bots are slobbering over TR ronpaulwintheir candidate's second-place finish just before their back-to-earth crash in South Carolina. Finally, despite a respectably-sized victory for Senor Romney, nobody dares drop out before next week's South Carolina fiesta.

White House Chief of Staff William Daley is headed for the exit. You might remember a few months back when Daley relinquished some of his duties to another senior staffer. Environmentalists and EPA supporters aren't shedding any tears over his departure. The JP Morgan sign hanging from the White House portico will be replaced with a shiny Citigroup one. Congratulations, Jacob!

Last year was a daunting one for our firefighters, fighting wildfires that scorched hundreds of thousands of acres, particularly in the Southwest. Now just wait till you read through this little gem: since 2003, a cadre of mostly Republican Senate staffers employed by the Energy and Natural Resources Committee have been cooling off via an office pool, betting on acreage burned each year. Hawt stuff! How can we get in on the action?

Two years have passed since the devastating Haitian earthquake. Despite an initial outpouring of international support, many Haitians continue to live in squalor because of, um, an accounting slip up? NGOs and the private sector are stepping up to help stabilize the economy.

Do you hear that familiar drum beat in the distance? The Pentagon confirmed that a second US carrier battle group is heading for the Persian Gulf region. Military officials would like to make it absolutely clear that this deployment has NOTHING to do with increased Iranian activity. So, which entity will now admit to icing the latest Iranian nuclear scientist?

And you would think that this would be it for the "good news from overseas" category. Haha, sorry to burst your bubble! A few Marines decided to ruin America's reputation abroad (even further) by doing their business on three Afghan corpses. Classy. A thorough investigation is underway and it appears that all four marines depicted in the video have been identified.

Are You Not Entertained?

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie sat down with Oprah (you can watch his appearance this Sunday) to talk about family, politics, and food. Keep your donuts inside, foodies, Chris Christie is in town!

Do you miss Pat Buchanan? We don't, but we find it odd that MSNBC is still in a knot about whether to keep the conservative commentator on their payroll. Mmm...shilling one's book which includes racial overtones or a gig on MSNBC? That's a tough decision there.

Marvin E. Quasniki is your next president. Maybe he'll end up on the same ticket with Stephen Colbert. We hear it can get quite dirty in South Carolina.

Snoop Dogg was arrested over the weekend for being in possession of marijuana. While the rapper has a cannabis prescription in California, possessing the stuff in the Wild West is a definite no-no. It's apparently just a coincidence that Willy Nelson was busted for the same reason in the same town of Sierra Blanca. 

Watch that gas bag loudmouth Homer Simpson overtake Glenn Beck's ratings here. At least we know we won't catch Homer in bed with a box of Twinkies

Interweb Tomfoolery

You can be famous in Hollywood, but it'll cost you on Twitter. According to Ad Age, advertisers must spend at least $15,000 over three months to qualify for verification. This is a true letdown for all the tweeting impersonators.

Oh, no! Hostess has filed for bankruptcy - the second time in the last decade. Health-conscious Americans are to blame for the company's shrinking bottom line. What a shame. Hostess bakes 500 million Twinkies each year. Where do you think they all end up?

This is so not funny, but many people on the Internets have obviously gotten a laugh out of a stumble witnessed by the Google street van. Don't be ashamed if this has happened to you.

America is the land of innovation. At least that's the phrase included in every political candidate's stump speech. Introducing the spnKiX! Now everyone who is too lazy to walk has a reason to believe in miracles.

It's not the crime (drunk driving) that sets this criminal apart. It's the mugshot. You're a celebrity now, Mr. Bibbs.

Fridays with Abigail

It's a little strange to think about going back to a product that used to be cutting-edge, but then got replaced by its cooler, hipper cousin. And yet, the mega search engine Google, which it seems hardly possible to live without, seems to be doing everything it can to hate on its fans and encourage them to try Bing or even go back to Altavista (ah ... the days of yore). Google Search recently launched Search Plus Your World, a feature designed to show you not just the most relevant information on the web, but the most relevant information to you. This sounds well and good, until you realize that Google's way of determining this is to prioritize anything in your Google+ circles and send them to the top of your search results. Considering how few people are using Google+, one can see that this is the latest of Google's desperate attempts to appear relevant in the wake of Facebook and Twitter. Techies are annoyed at how difficult it is now to find actually relevant information on the web, and some people are proclaiming the end of Google as we know it. We at Turner won't be making judgments too quickly, mostly because we've already bookmarked the websites that show pictures of a bunny with a pancake on its head. All we'll say is, Be Advised: your Google search results ain't what they used to be.

Shameless Self-Promotion

On Wednesday, Project Manager Abigail Collazo facilitated a resume-writing workshop with students from the Public Leadership Education Network. No worries though, as soon as these leaders start making a name for themselves, we'll publicly bring out the snark to keep them in line. Abigail’s also got some fundraising advice for you courtesy of the New Organizing Institute’s “Tip of the Day.” We promise she doesn’t really hate puppies.

If you care about abortion rights, check out Merle Hoffman at the National Press Club on Tuesday.

Out on the Town

Could this be THE final going out guide? Just kidding, but be prepared to fork over a little more of your paycheck for that Metro fare. "Metro Forward" - whatever that means.
  • Or watch a MLK parade go by on the street of his namesake  
  • Funny man George Lopez performs at DAR Constitution Hall
  • Author Fariba Nawa discusses her life in Afghanistan and return
Scorecard

The race is tightening in South Carolina between Romney and Gingrich. Have South Carolinians finally forgiven the latter? We'll see what happens with that next weekend. In the meantime, enjoy your last few weeks (or months?) of calm before the next war in the Middle East. Gah.

See you next week,

RoyalExecutioner



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