Friday, December 9, 2011

12-9-11: Start Your Engines, Culture Warriors!

There's another reason why you should consider running for and winning a presidential campaign: you'll likely live longer than the average American. A University of Illinois researcher found that the stress of occupying the Oval Office doesn't necessarily translate into a shorter life-span (but you'll look a helluva lot older after four or eight years). Barack, you're still lookin' good.

To the rest of you: remember to eat your fruits and vegetables before a heavy dose of snark.

The Week That Was

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius overruled the head of the FDA to restrict the sale of emergency contraceptives. Specifically, women under the age of 17 will be required to produce a doctor's order for the pills. Women over 17 will still be permitted to purchase them without prescriptions. Sebelius' action is historical because it is the first time that a HHS secretary has publicly overruled the FDA. Barry said he had nothing to do with the Secretary's decision, but he supports it. This has the Left fuming and the Right calling the reversal an election stunt. Sigh. We'll never know the real reason.

Our thoughts are with the Virginia Tech community after Thursday's campus shooting. VT police officer Deriek Crouse, an Army veteran and father of five, was shot to death as he made a traffic stop on a vehicle unrelated to his assailant. Investigators suspect that a second person found dead may been the shooter.

Former politicos falling off the rails - that's dominated this week's news. Former New Jersey Gov. Jon Corzine, who was CEO of MF Global until $1.2 billion just, you know, disappeared into thin air, testified on Capitol Hill to say he was sorry. Meanwhile, Illinois continued its winning streak of convicted governors: Rod Blagojevich was handed a 14-year sentence for corruption, including charges that he tried to sell then-Senator Obama's seat. Blago can forget about that state pension, too.

To the (few?) Republicans who read this awful progressive commentary blog thingy: did you notice, by chance, a change in your latest Fox News robocall? Why, of course you did! The Herman Cain pizza train is no more. Newt has taken the lead in three out of the four earliest voting states while Mittens shakes in his boots as he watches his New Hampshire firewall evaporate. We hear that Newt is planning to staff up big time in the Granite State. Do you know of any 12-year olds looking for a leg up in politics?

Rick Santorum is a very bad man. Returning from a fact finding mission, we assume, the former Pennsylvania senator has concluded that "activity" between two members of the same sex will lead to the downfall of America. In similar news, Rick Perry is going after the gays and the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" repeal in Iowa with a new ad. Iowans will have to make the connection between these "issues" and job creation, because we certainly don't see one.

Standard & Poor's is considering downgrading the credit ratings of France and Germany as well as placing 15 other Eurozone members under review for similar action. Meanwhile, the UK is the odd one out of European Union members because good old David Cameron wishes to protect his country's financial institutions (i.e. big banks) from burdensome regulations. Sound familiar? Should the Eurozone collapse, we can expect a steep recession at home. Happy holidays!

Remember the good old days of the Cold War? Russia's parliamentary elections were held earlier this week, and according to Western experts - and some grainy video footage - they were rife with fraud. Putin and plenty of others are sick and tired of Hillary Clinton's politicking (apparently she's playing to the Democratic Party base for some reason?). Anyways, we're certain that after a thoughtful, thorough and transparent investigation, everyone will be exonerated.

Are You Not Entertained?

Heads up: President Obama will appear on 60 minutes this Sunday. He'll discuss the economy, jobs and the budget with Steve Kroft. Tune in.

American Airlines can solve its dire financial situation by hiring Alec Baldwin as its new spokesperson. An "extremely rude" Baldwin was shown the door over an apparent obsession with a mobile phone game. New Yorkers won't be seeing Alec in the mayor's office any time soon.

Coverage of the war against capitalism continues over at Fox Business. Kermit the Frog and his liberal accomplices are conspiring to brainwash America's most vulnerable against environmentally-conscious oil barons. Damn those furry communists.

The cast and crew of Mythbusters have apologized to the many victims of a myth-busting gone wrong. A cantaloupe-sized cannonball tore through a two-story home, crossed a wide road and ended up totaling a mini-van. It's a good thing they have insurance.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Finding affordable and accessible parking in the city can be a job in itself these days. Thankfully, we have drivers like this guy standing up as our role models. Try it yourself! Just kidding. Also, you may be interested to hear that your teenager might be more interested in texting and tweeting rather than getting behind the wheel.
TR uscapitol
When does a week go by without a juicy tale involving Capitol Hill staffers? This week, three from Rep. Rick Larsen's office were fired when their tweets revealed disrespect toward the boss and getting tipsy on the job. Hey, people, it's not everyday that there's a circus on the Hill.

We're just as surprised as you were when we came across this story: Wal-Mart security and police apprehended Timothy Clark for shoplifting at a store that was hosting "Shop With A Cop" charity event. Apparently, the sight of 50 cops wasn't enough to deter this man.

While we're on the subject - let's have a look at petty theft at hotels. It's not just the soap or lotions anymore, and some CEO's admit to getting in on the action.

Out on the Town

Haven't figured out what you're going to do this weekend? Here are some suggestions:
  • Run an 8k through Washington dressed up for the holiday season
Scorecard

A furious attention-seeking Donald Trump might be canceling his ill-conceived debate/entertainment clown show as Newt and Rick Santorum are the only two candidates who have bothered to say yes. While you're celebrating the holidays with friends and family, these poor phonies will be duking it out for the honor of being smacked down by Barack Obama.

See you next week,

RoyalExecutioner

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