Friday, December 2, 2011

12-2-11: When All Else Fails, There's Still the Stock Photo

We hope you've recovered from that self-induced Thanksgiving food coma, because there's so much we need to cover. To start off: the unemployment dropped sharply to 8.6%. That's the lowest it's been since March 2009. No wonder Barry was all smiles as he lit the National Christmas Tree. With all the good news, there's always the bad - naturally. Pakistan is not happy with America following a NATO strike that killed 24 of its soldiers.

Before we continue, we must inform you about the opportunity of a lifetime: an internship right here at Turner Central. We're looking for someone to start in January. If you're interested or know of someone who is, please click here.

Now, let's move on to the IMPORTANT matters of the week.

The Week That Was

It's official! Newt Gingrich is the GOP presidential nominee, and that is scaring the crap out of GOP Reps. Florida Republicans are enamored to the two (three?)-time former Speaker as Herman Cain implodes, despite a newly formed Women for Cain fellowship. Great stock photo, BTW. The timing of this roll-out is purely coincidental. Mitt Romney remains on the sidelines (okay, so he's actually trying in Iowa now) after receiving some tough love from BFF Bret Baier. Newt won the endorsement of the New Hampshire Union Leader, which is a big deal, we hear. "Union, a union!" cried the confused Twitter teabaggers. In other news, Rick Perry received the coveted Joe Arpaio endorsement over the weekend. Does this make Rick a more appealing candidate?

A few weeks ago, President Obama caved to those filthy environmentalists who protested the extension of the Keystone XL pipeline. But now, Senate Republicans are moving forward with legislation to force Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to approve the project within two months, unless poor Barry can come up with an excuse. FYI: the legislation is called the "North American Security Act." Screw the environment as well as the health and safety of those living nearby though.

AMR Corp. filed for Chapter 11 protection on Tuesday. The parent company of American Airlines has lost $12 billion since 2001 and could lose an additional $1.1 billion this year. Have no fear, frequent flyers: your miles will still be honored as the company reorganizes (more layoffs, reduced amenities and service, etc.) to "achieve industry competitiveness." Your Royal Executioner just happens to hold a round-trip ticket for later this month. Cross your fingers!
TR worldaidsday
People around the world commemorated World AIDS Day. Obama marked the occasion with a proclamation and unveiled a new effort to combat the AIDS epidemic in the United States and abroad.

Barney Frank is retiring from Congress. Redistricting was one of his reasons for stepping down - that and it's no fun being in the minority party. While he's done some great work on financial and LGBT issues, not everyone is enthralled by his legacy. With Barney out of the way, insider trading just got hotter on the Hill!

Joe Biden was in Iraq for two days, mere weeks before the last American troops are scheduled to head home. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton concluded her trip to Myanmar. The Secretary also shared dinner with pro-democracy opposition leader Aung San Suu Kyi. The Obama Administration is hoping gradual steps will lead to a thawing of diplomatic relations between the United States and Myanmar.

The UK shut down its embassy in Tehran after protestors stormed the compound. Michele Bachmann, beefing up her foreign policy credentials, thinks America should follow suit, thirty years after the fact. I don't know, Michele, you've got some huge shoes to fill if you want to succeed Hillary Clinton.

Are You Not Entertained?

Who are the year's most irrelevant, sorry, we meant influential people, according to Barbara Walters? Biebs didn't make the cut this year, but the Kardashians, Donald Trump and the sister of Kate Middleton ended up on the list. Thankfully, ABC News let us know that only people in entertainment, pop culture and sports were included. Some other entertainment rag had the audacity to name Tim Pawlenty as the least influential person alive. Shouldn't that honor be bestowed on another former governor?

Nando's has dropped its most recent ad depicting Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe as the "last dictator standing." The South African-based franchise is taking flak from Mugabe loyalists who called for a boycott.

Many films that will premiere at next year's Sundance Film Festival relate to the economic hardships faced by millions of Americans. We don't expect rave reviews or for that matter, any statement, from Jamie Dimon or Brian Moynihan.

For some reason, our favorite Fox News anchor, Megyn Kelly, sought the insight of a self-described psychic on the whereabouts of a missing child. Can someone tell us why psychics have the best track records?

Interweb Tomfoolery

San Francisco, the bastion of American liberalism, has gone too far. In its war against capitalism, Frank Luntz, and little children, the City by the Bay now bans Happy Meals that are accompanied by toys. McDonald's isn't flinching. They've found a little loophole that will allow parents to continue to bribe their kids with those plastic made-in-China wares.

A tattletale Twitter tale: Kansas Governor Sam Brownback apologized to a high schooler after one of his overzealous staffers called the principal's office to complain about a snarky tweet. Freedom is freedom, Sam.

Is Apple conspiring against the pro-choice movement? The iPhone4's voice-activated software, Siri, is reportedly experiencing fatal errors in response to reproductive health service inquiries. Siri goes a little too far with the snark. As expected, the pro-life people are overjoyed at this technological wonder.

Are you catching up with the news with the latest issue of Time Magazine? Oh, our mistake, no one bothers with that forgotten news medium anymore. Gosh, we are one soft bunch: Glenn Beck or the rise of China? Men vs. women on chores or learning more about Islam? Forget Time, we'll stick to CNN's in-depth coverage of the latest viral YouTube video.

Out on the Town

Don't forget to bundle up when you're out on the town!
  • Bombino brings African music to the Black Cat.

Scorecard

Remember those former Newt Gingrich campaign staffers who jumped ship to join Team Perry? Haha. Best of luck to them. We don't expect Newt to hand them an olive branch anytime soon.

Until next week,

RoyalExecutioner

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