Friday, November 18, 2011

11-18-11: Operation Pizza Freedom

Metro's done it again! When will this "improvement and upgrading" of the metro rail system be complete? If you're planning on flying out of Reagan this weekend, you'd better take a cab. For everyone else who still has a little work next week, escaping the city will be a lot smoother ride. We hope.

What's cookin' in the world of snark? Find out, after the jump.

The Week That Was

Our Barry is working overseas (or taking another one of those gargantuan tax-payer funded vacations), stopping by in Hawaii, TR Obama IndonesiaAustralia and then Indonesia (foreign!). He managed to slip in a birther joke or two before getting down to business. The President is on the outs with Congress, and apparently some crazy dude from Idaho, but still a hit among our Aussie friends.

Time is running out before Iowa for our beloved GOP presidential candidates. The gaffes keep coming and that has the Establishment on edge. Why not give up now and concede defeat? Herman Cain (bless him) spurned the Union Leader, an odd decision considering New Hampshire will hold the first primary in January. At this rate, the Pizza Man will be spending his post-campaign days learning Cuban, because someone has to be an expert in foreign policy. Did you also hear that Cain will be receiving a Secret Service detail? They will no doubt be busy keeping the truth just beyond arm's length.

Mitt Romney is still running under the radar, no doubt enjoying the self-destruction of his fellow GOP candidates. A spokesperson for Mittens' campaign says his aides in the governor's office did nothing wrong when they removed their computers and files. You are one slick guy, Mitt. The DNC isn't buying it. They've sent over a FOIA request for records and emails, specifically the ones mention a scrubbin' in preparation for 2008 and/or 2012.

Mayor Bloomberg isn't receiving any applause from Occupy Wall Street and that was before he kicked them out of Zuccotti Park. New York's Supreme Court has allowed the protestors back in, but they aren't permitted to re-establish their camps or bring with them anything larger than a small backpack. Gotta live like the 99%, eh? We won't be seeing this kind of police action at McPherson Square - at least not yet.

Congress delivered an early Thanksgiving victory to the fast food TR Pizza Winsindustry on Monday. Their lobbyists prevented the filthy fingers of health advocates from limiting starchy vegetables in school lunches. Also, the U.S. Department of Agriculture will continue to count two tablespoons of tomato paste as a vegetable. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that 17.5% or 12.5 million children aged 2-19 years are obese. Congratulations, fat cats.

Tension is brewing between Afghan refugees and their hosts in Pakistan. Approximately 2 million Afghans live in neighboring Pakistan, having fled over the decades from war and the Taliban. Many Pakistanis blame the refugees for participating in criminal activities and for the rise of Taliban insurgents in their country. Meanwhile, Afghan President Hamid Karzai is calling for the end of U.S. troop raids and house searches at night. In return, America can establish long-term military bases and spend, spend and spend to train Afghan police and soldiers. Look at the bright side - we'll have an exit plan in place to bid farewell, whenever that takes place.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is scheduled to visit Burma next month - the first time for a U.S. secretary of state in 50 years. Obama says he's seen "flickers of progress" from the nation's military rulers, who have been in power since a 1962 coup.

Are You Not Entertained?

And the text message was her undoing. Mariah Yeater sent a few texts to an ex, promising him a cut of a now defunct lawsuit, if he deleted evidence that her child was in fact his. Now, Yeater's lawyers have jumped ship. Round one goes to Biebs.

We had to do a little digging to find out what Victoria Jackson has been up to these days, aside from making a ridiculous cameo at a TR VickyJacksonOccupy Wall Street protest. She and a few other conservative gals have some opinions about "Gays, Muslims and Gay Muslims." We don't know what the deal is with the guitar, Vicky. This is so not The Onion, if you're wondering.

The Hyatt Santa Clara is scrambling on defense. Two housekeepers who didn’t appreciate the faked images of them wearing bikinis that were posted on a bulletin board were fired after complaining. Now, they're using social media to fight back.

Demi Moore is calling it quits with Ashton Kutcher. The actress released a statement to the Associated Press (apparently a celebrity outlet now?) that she's moving on with her life. This comes after months of relentless tabloid coverage of Kutcher's alleged infidelity. Guess it was time to take out the garbage.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Mutiny at 10 Downing Street! Prime Minister David Cameron's cat hasn't been living up to his mouse-catching duties. Rumor is he's been lounging about and socializing with a feline across the park. Cameron stands by Larry, but some are calling for his immediate resignation.

What did you do on Facebook one year ago? Now, you can find out with daily email. Oh, the memories.
TR Texas CR
The president of the University of Texas College Republicans took to the Twitter about how "tempting" it would be to shoot President Obama. She giggled, according to ABC News. This comes hours after authorities took the White House shooter into custody. Her patriotic VP said "she'd made a positive statement in a way." Okay. Right. Oh, yes, this is Texas, after all.

The White House and the Vatican are a little peeved, to say the least, about a new clothing store's campaign against hate. The ads depict smooching world leaders, including Obama and the Pope. Benneton's better have some lawyers lined up.

Here is your weekly dose of American crime: A drunk man wearing a "I'm a Drunk" shirt slammed his car into a police cruiser. You see, it's that simple!

Out on the Town

When there's nothing else to do, eat! Haha, just kidding. Just don't over-do yourself before Turkey Day.

Scorecard

The Bieber paternity story is over, without a star-studded appearance on Maury. Unfortunately, that means we are left with the train-wreck that is Herman Cain and Rick Perry. Wait, that's a good thing!

See you next week!

RoyalExecutioner

1 comment:

LibrexDefecatis said...

I refuse to believe that Victoria Jackson isn't just performing some elaborate long-game satire.