Tuesday, November 22, 2011

11-22-11: A Celebration of Gluttony (Happy Thanksgiving!)

As you prepare the turkey and all the trimmings, remember to give thanks (not the Herman Cain way, mind you) to a truly wondrous occasion: Congress couldn't strike a deal on deficit reduction. A lot of people are going to be affected by the congressional carving knife, but grandma and grandpa are being spared. Finally, will the Supercommittee failure actually be a blessing for Obama in 2012?

TR scturkey

From all of us at Turner Central: Stay safe over this holiday season and we'll see you in December!

RoyalExecutioner

Friday, November 18, 2011

11-18-11: Operation Pizza Freedom

Metro's done it again! When will this "improvement and upgrading" of the metro rail system be complete? If you're planning on flying out of Reagan this weekend, you'd better take a cab. For everyone else who still has a little work next week, escaping the city will be a lot smoother ride. We hope.

What's cookin' in the world of snark? Find out, after the jump.

The Week That Was

Our Barry is working overseas (or taking another one of those gargantuan tax-payer funded vacations), stopping by in Hawaii, TR Obama IndonesiaAustralia and then Indonesia (foreign!). He managed to slip in a birther joke or two before getting down to business. The President is on the outs with Congress, and apparently some crazy dude from Idaho, but still a hit among our Aussie friends.

Time is running out before Iowa for our beloved GOP presidential candidates. The gaffes keep coming and that has the Establishment on edge. Why not give up now and concede defeat? Herman Cain (bless him) spurned the Union Leader, an odd decision considering New Hampshire will hold the first primary in January. At this rate, the Pizza Man will be spending his post-campaign days learning Cuban, because someone has to be an expert in foreign policy. Did you also hear that Cain will be receiving a Secret Service detail? They will no doubt be busy keeping the truth just beyond arm's length.

Mitt Romney is still running under the radar, no doubt enjoying the self-destruction of his fellow GOP candidates. A spokesperson for Mittens' campaign says his aides in the governor's office did nothing wrong when they removed their computers and files. You are one slick guy, Mitt. The DNC isn't buying it. They've sent over a FOIA request for records and emails, specifically the ones mention a scrubbin' in preparation for 2008 and/or 2012.

Mayor Bloomberg isn't receiving any applause from Occupy Wall Street and that was before he kicked them out of Zuccotti Park. New York's Supreme Court has allowed the protestors back in, but they aren't permitted to re-establish their camps or bring with them anything larger than a small backpack. Gotta live like the 99%, eh? We won't be seeing this kind of police action at McPherson Square - at least not yet.

Congress delivered an early Thanksgiving victory to the fast food TR Pizza Winsindustry on Monday. Their lobbyists prevented the filthy fingers of health advocates from limiting starchy vegetables in school lunches. Also, the U.S. Department of Agriculture will continue to count two tablespoons of tomato paste as a vegetable. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that 17.5% or 12.5 million children aged 2-19 years are obese. Congratulations, fat cats.

Tension is brewing between Afghan refugees and their hosts in Pakistan. Approximately 2 million Afghans live in neighboring Pakistan, having fled over the decades from war and the Taliban. Many Pakistanis blame the refugees for participating in criminal activities and for the rise of Taliban insurgents in their country. Meanwhile, Afghan President Hamid Karzai is calling for the end of U.S. troop raids and house searches at night. In return, America can establish long-term military bases and spend, spend and spend to train Afghan police and soldiers. Look at the bright side - we'll have an exit plan in place to bid farewell, whenever that takes place.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is scheduled to visit Burma next month - the first time for a U.S. secretary of state in 50 years. Obama says he's seen "flickers of progress" from the nation's military rulers, who have been in power since a 1962 coup.

Are You Not Entertained?

And the text message was her undoing. Mariah Yeater sent a few texts to an ex, promising him a cut of a now defunct lawsuit, if he deleted evidence that her child was in fact his. Now, Yeater's lawyers have jumped ship. Round one goes to Biebs.

We had to do a little digging to find out what Victoria Jackson has been up to these days, aside from making a ridiculous cameo at a TR VickyJacksonOccupy Wall Street protest. She and a few other conservative gals have some opinions about "Gays, Muslims and Gay Muslims." We don't know what the deal is with the guitar, Vicky. This is so not The Onion, if you're wondering.

The Hyatt Santa Clara is scrambling on defense. Two housekeepers who didn’t appreciate the faked images of them wearing bikinis that were posted on a bulletin board were fired after complaining. Now, they're using social media to fight back.

Demi Moore is calling it quits with Ashton Kutcher. The actress released a statement to the Associated Press (apparently a celebrity outlet now?) that she's moving on with her life. This comes after months of relentless tabloid coverage of Kutcher's alleged infidelity. Guess it was time to take out the garbage.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Mutiny at 10 Downing Street! Prime Minister David Cameron's cat hasn't been living up to his mouse-catching duties. Rumor is he's been lounging about and socializing with a feline across the park. Cameron stands by Larry, but some are calling for his immediate resignation.

What did you do on Facebook one year ago? Now, you can find out with daily email. Oh, the memories.
TR Texas CR
The president of the University of Texas College Republicans took to the Twitter about how "tempting" it would be to shoot President Obama. She giggled, according to ABC News. This comes hours after authorities took the White House shooter into custody. Her patriotic VP said "she'd made a positive statement in a way." Okay. Right. Oh, yes, this is Texas, after all.

The White House and the Vatican are a little peeved, to say the least, about a new clothing store's campaign against hate. The ads depict smooching world leaders, including Obama and the Pope. Benneton's better have some lawyers lined up.

Here is your weekly dose of American crime: A drunk man wearing a "I'm a Drunk" shirt slammed his car into a police cruiser. You see, it's that simple!

Out on the Town

When there's nothing else to do, eat! Haha, just kidding. Just don't over-do yourself before Turkey Day.

Scorecard

The Bieber paternity story is over, without a star-studded appearance on Maury. Unfortunately, that means we are left with the train-wreck that is Herman Cain and Rick Perry. Wait, that's a good thing!

See you next week!

RoyalExecutioner

Friday, November 11, 2011

11-11-11: Eleven-Eleven-Eleven

Good news, everyone! Okay, not so much: Last year, 49 million Americans were considered to be in poverty by the Census Bureau. Entitlement program supporters say now is not the time for significant changes to Medicare and Social Security. And now, we turn to the expert on this issue: Michele Bachmann. There's no turning back from frugal socialism.

Let's continue...

The Week That Was

The Wall Street Journal broke the news that White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley transferred his day-to-day management responsibilities to fellow staffer Pete Rouse. Naturally, the White House press machine is pushing back hard against an overzealous media. Daley was brought on board last year to mend relations with Congress and business community. Well, that didn't work so well.

Texas Toast. That's what everyone's saying about Rick Perry after Wednesday's debate. It took poor Rick 45 seconds to name two out of three federal agencies he'd like to see abolished. Just two! Classy commercial flyer Mitt Romney has more than two positions on the issues, but he still manages to outshine his competitors. Giddy up, Rick! There's a village in Texas waiting to get its idiot back.

Meanwhile, Herman Cain, who also fell victim to a Rick Perry moment, is slipping a bit in the polls as more women come forward, accusing the Pizza Man of sexual misconduct. The American Mustache Institute hilariously withdrew its game-changing endorsement. They accuse Mr. Cain of sporting a fake mustache, and his pizza chain of misleading customers on the topping portions. Who's the next flavor of the month? Newt Gingrich.

The idiot of the week award goes to Illinois Rep. Joe Walsh, who is clearly the worst member of Congress in recent history. His fame skyrocketed after it was revealed that he failed to keep up with child support payments while simultaneously pumping big bucks into his campaign. Now, he's apologized to a woman for his bizarre outburst at a constituent Q & A session. (He still claims to be right on the issues and blames the coffee). Joe, it appears you've forgotten what a video camera is. Bye-bye in 2012, mister.

Democrats didn't do that bad on Election Day 2011. Mississippians defied the history books by rejecting a 'personhood' measure that would have defined life as starting at fertilization. Well done, y'all. In Arizona, Senate President Russell Pearce, who really has a thing against illegal immigrants, lost to a fellow Republican. Hate can only get you so far.

Well, it appears that the Obama Administration got the message when thousands of people circled the White House to protest a proposed Keystone XL pipeline extension. Because the 2012 election is right around the corner, the State Department has pushed for another rigorous environmental review in 2013. TR overturnedvan

Pennsylvania State University fired its president and head football coach over accusations that the two mishandled a growing child sex-abuse scandal that has engulfed the institution. Thousands of students who supported former coach Joe Paterno took to the streets in protest, clashing with police. Fired for not reporting such disgusting behavior to the authorities? Sounds reasonable. Destroying property? Not so much.

Greece has a new prime minister. Lucas Papademos is a former vice-president of the European Central Bank (is that a plus?) and Governor of the Greece of Bank. Papademos pledged to keep Greece on the euro as he works with a new unity government to solve the country's financial troubles. His successor will be elected in next February's election. Also this week in resignation news: Italy's pervy, sex-obsessed prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi, will step down with a legacy of shame.

Are You Not Entertained?

Yet another grifter tale: A gaggle of Tennessee conservatives are furious and now suing Anthony Loiacono for allegedly scamming them out of hundreds of thousands of dollars after investing in Tea Party HD, which is supposed to be some kind of Dan Rather knock-off. The investors were promised a return of $19 million over three years. High-definition television and the Tea Party. Aren't they mutually exclusive? Not if you're Michele Bachmann.

Your government cares so much about your safety that it ran a national emergency alert system test Wednesday. Oh, you didn't hear? FEMA and DHS held its first and less-than-stellar test via radio and television outlets - two mediums that are experiencing skyrocketing growth in today's digital media world. And some viewers reported that Lady Gaga made a surprise appearance.

Marge, Bart and Lisa are finally taking on the food blog craze. Their new hobby won't stop Homer from complaining, though. What's the point of blogging if you've already eaten? He's the last line of defense against the portion-control craze! Mmm...donuts.

CBS commentator Andy Rooney passed away last Friday. He was best known for his unabashed segments at the end of the weekly 60-Minutes series.

This kid may have had a future in the entertainment biz. before his dad and YouTube ruined it.

Interweb Tomfoolery

That whole petition thingy the White House debuted a few weeks back has produced some out-of-this-world ideas. Others say the whole thing's a sham. We'll let you decide if petitioning the White House is worth your time.

Happy 11/11/11 Day! We can't wait for 12/12/12!

Those countless hours stalking on Facebook may be healthy for you! Well, excluding the stalking part. Keith Hampton at the University of Pennsylvania says that Facebook users receive more overall emotional and social support than their non-Facebook peers.

Gary Boisclair, a congressional candidate challenging Minnesota Rep. Keith Ellison, is running a particularly offensive web ad targeting the incumbent over his religion. Thankfully, YouTube stood by its policy against shocking and disgusting content. Boisclair is anti-abortion and claims to be a Democrat.

Taxes. Taxes. Taxes! Merry Christmas, from your friends at Fox News. The coverage alone was enough to force the USDA to back down.

There's a reason police departments are resorting to fines for abusing 9-1-1. Michael Skopec dialed 9-1-1 FIVE times to report that his iPhone was malfunctioning. Skopec was charged with resisting a peace officer, after the cops traced the call and showed up at his home. Disclaimer - we have nothing against Apple users.

Out on the Town

We're looking at some nice weather this weekend. Enjoy it!
  • Take some time to visit the memorials on the National Mall or the many others in the region
Scorecard

We know some of you have the day off today. Take some time to remember those who have sacrificed throughout America's history and think of the men and women serving in uniform today.

Until next week,

RoyalExecutioner

Friday, November 4, 2011

11-4-11: Mitt Romney Keeps It Liberal

Humanity reached another milestone on Monday. You can interpret this one as good or bad. According to the United Nations, the world population surpassed 7 billion on Monday. Eons ago (in 1999), we were one billion short of this number, and by the end of the century, 10 billion human beings will occupy this planet. No pun intended.

Now, we hope you're ready for some snark.

The Week That Was

That Mitt Romney fella is on cloud nine as his opposition falters. An outraged Herman Cain blamed the liberals (that has to be a first) for setting off a media firestorm over his alleged inappropriate sexual behavior while at the helm of the National Restaurant Association. He also pointed the finger at the Rick Perry campaign, and apparently forgot about Rambo. The campaign is considering legal action against Politico. Good luck with that!

Let's return to Romney, shall we? While the press is oogling over the harassment story, they have, for the most part, given Romney a free pass over the latest case of flip-floppery. A staffer from the pro-choice organization, NARAL, described a meeting where the then-gubernatorial candidate was all warm and fuzzy about women issues and gay rights. She recalls him as appearing "genuine" on his positions. That's our Mittens!

Last year, Michele Bachmann formed the one and only official Tea Party Caucus in Congress. While the website has gathered some dust as of late, we are pleased to note that many of these Tea Party-aligned members have been doing a great job bringing home the bacon. Who didn't see this coming?

Gotta stop that Barry! Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell made a one-eighty on deficit reduction. McConnell now supports a $4 trillion package, far bigger than the $1.2 trillion plan backed by the deficit reduction committee. Obviously, Republicans can't have the President criticizing a do-nothing Congress during election season. Senate Republicans also this week filibustered a Democratic jobs bill meant to fund infrastructure projects (because crumbling bridges are not that important).

What started out as a peaceful protest in Oakland, Calif. escalated into violent confrontations between Occupy Wall Street denizens and police. Will this violence dampen support from Middle America? On Wednesday, thousands of Oakland workers took thTR occupy oaklande day off as a show of solidarity with the protestors - the latter of which managed to shut down the Port of Oakland. Meanwhile, in New York City, the NYPD has an awesome new policy of herding the city's drunks to the OWS encampment. Finally, here's a little kicker to end the week: thirty large corporations paid no income taxes from 2008 through 2010. Bless you, legal loopholes.

Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou is under pressure to resign as he faces a vote of confidence in parliament. He had considered holding a referendum on the European Union debt plan, but faced significant opposition. Greece could go bankrupt by the end of the year if a deal is not reached.

Critics of the Iraq war received welcome news a couple of weeks ago when President Obama announced that all U.S. troops would be out of the country by the end of the year. Hooray...oh wait, it's not all great news. Some of those troops may be headed for neighboring Kuwait amid concerns of Iraq's stability and Iran. Israel is a little concerned, too.

Are You Not Entertained?

Well, that didn't last long. 72 days might be an eternity in Hollywood, but for us mere mortals, the Kim-Kris marriage/PR stunt was over in the blink of an eye. We're not into bashing marriage, but so far, we've only heard crickets from the National Organization of Marriage.

On the other hand, we think the late-night marriage officiated by Conan will last a lifetime. Congratulations.

TR meghan mccain msnbcMSNBC is "leaning forward" these days as it prepares for the long slog that will be the 2012 GOP primaries. They're bringing out the big guns: Meghan McCain has been brought on board as a contributor for her insight on the candidates. And, as always, we can count on Tucker Carlson to make some crude, sexist remark.

Biebs is gettin' political, y'all, albeit being slightly misinformed. Bieber was on a D.C. radio show and began raging against Sen. Amy Klobuchar for sponsoring anti-piracy legislation. The teen idol insists that "people need to have freedoms." Glenn Beck, the next time you hold one of your funny tea-themed rallies on the Mall, give this dude a call.

This is absolutely the best way to retain readership when magazine subscriptions are down across the board. 'Tis a good thing that the publishers of Every Day with Rachel Ray prevented this from becoming a PR nightmare.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Groupon is worth nearly $17 billion after debuting today on the NASDAQ. Apparently, some investors aren't taking skeptics seriously who say the company has an unsustainable business model. Don't worry - there's no risk of a bubble bursting...

Loudon County Republicans rightly condemned an email depicting a zombie President Obama with a bullet through his head. The mailer also depicted Nancy Pelosi in a similar fashion. All we know is that someone had to approve it. TR Twitterbirdeyes

There's no denying that Twitter has had a positive impact on many peoples' lives. The Washington Post has a new story covering just that as the micro-blogging service launches a monthly @Twitterstory series. Don't expect Twitter to cover that breaking news of you grabbing a sandwich for lunch.

The law firm of Steven J. Baum is sorry for the Halloween costume get-together last year that mocked the homeless and those his firm were foreclosing on. Thanks for letting us know a year later.

A party bust leads to a Facebook unfriend and arson: Police say Des Moines resident Jennifer Harris lit her now former friend's garage on fire after an argument over a party that never materialized. Oh, the things Facebook can do to people.

Out on the Town

Daylight Savings Time ends Sunday morning, so remember to set your clocks, watches, etc., back an hour!
Scorecard

Can you believe it's already November? New Hampshire's secretary of state set the first-in-the-nation primary for January 10. Just two months to go, folks, until the real fireworks begin!

See you next week,

RoyalExecutioner