Friday, October 28, 2011

10-28-11: The War on Halloween (For Real)

Brrr. Did you feel the chill on your face this morning? It looks like Washington is in for a touch of snow over the weekend. Just don't count on a government shutdown (from the weather).

Grab that cup of warm coffee and snark it up before you freeze!

The Week That Was

You know America is in trouble when Pat Robertson says the current GOP field is too extreme to beat President Obama. It's not just presidential candidates such as Terry Jones who are giving Robertson a case of hebbie-jebbies: Sam Wurzelbacher, who absolutely disdains politicians, would love the chance to TR OrlyTaitzform and (Dr.) Orly Taitz filed paperwork for a Senate campaign against Dianne Feinstein. We hope to learn more about dentistry, birth certificate certification, and whatever the heck she is an expert of. Orly, you are making this Californian proud. BTW, do you have Rick Perry's number handy?

There's drama in Bachmannland. Running on the fumes, the Bachmann campaign couldn't stamp the paychecks of her New Hampshire staff for an entire month. But that's not the only reason they've jumped ship. Michele insists there's nothing to it, which is odd, considering the former staffers penned a blistering letter condemning the candidate's national staff. We'll miss you on the road, Michele.

Herman Cain has a terrible, just terrible low-budget campaign ad out this week. In it, his now infamous campaign manager blabbers about something and then proudly puffs a little smoke through the teevee screen. He's followed by a smiling Cain. This just what the doctor ordered. The ad was cut by the only campaign intern remaining in his dysfunctional pizza parlor.

But enough of this. What is our Barry up to this week? Obama was back in California greasing up his limo with fried chicken (you can so see Michelle's frown and crossed arms when she heard the news) before a series of fundraisers and an appearance - sans teleprompter - on Leno. Obama supposedly met in private with some high-powered Hollywood figures to turn the tide of disappointment, and maybe score a few checks. You can't blame him: his other "allies" are playing duck-and-cover.

Democrats led by Montana Senator Max Baucus offered a proposal to slash $3 trillion in budget deficits through cuts to Medicare and Medicaid and tax increases. Orange Man rejected the proposal, citing tax increases and the zero-ing out of his tanning salon construction pet project. Time is running out for the Supercommittee to hammer out a deal. While Congress-critters play their political games, President Obama bypassed the gridlock to provide student loan relief beginning with next year's graduating class.

Oakland, Calif. has become the flashpoint of Occupy Wall Street on the west coast. An Iraq war veteran is in critical condition after TR Oaklandwitnesses say police threw some kind of object at him. Back in Turner Central's neighborhood, the U.S. Park Service isn't happy about the Occupy D.C. camp at McPherson Square. Apparently, the recently sodded grass is being trampled to death, and it would cost $200,000 to replace. There's more OWS news, though, from a BREAKING FOX NEWS ALERT: ACORN! ACORN, ACORN, ACORN!

They're back! Lawyers for the plaintiffs in the Dukes v. Wal-Mart sex discrimination case filed an amended complaint in the U.S. District Court in San Francisco. The complaint seeks to certify 95,000 Wal-Mart California employees.

European leaders agreed to a long-anticipated deal to decrease Greece's debt burden and shore up European banks. French President Sarkozy dampened the day with a frank assessment that his country should never have joined the Eurozone. Hey, as long as U.S. markets respond positively on the broken backs of the middle class, you should be happy, Mr. President.

Ah, Libya. We haven't forgotten about you. The United Nations might be, though. The Security Council unanimously voted to end the mandate that included a no-fly zone and the authorization of foreign forces to protect Libyan citizens. The mandate expires at the end of October. Meanwhile, a surviving Gaddafi son and an intelligence chief are said to be in talks to surrender to the International Criminal Court. Niger won't take them, unless they pay up, and well, they saw what happened to the former dictator.

Are You Not Entertained?

You too can be a part of history (except if you're from Italy). For a cool $2,500 per night, you can rent out the Seaside Heights home where Jersey Shore is taped. No fist-fights or any kind of that crap is allowed. Also, if you happen to see Snooki around, do not ask her who Maya Angelou or J.K. Rowling are.

Speaking of which, Warner Bros. is ending DVD production of Harry Potter movies. Don't worry, because we're certain fans are willing to open their wallets for a "re-release."

Netflix is on the rocks after losing a whopping 800,000 customers last quarter, following numerous branding and marketing gaffes. TR WarHalloweenNetflix still reigns near the top in terms of bandwidth. The internet thanks you.

There's a new "War on (insert noun)" according to the laughing stock of Fox & Friends. In today's middle class-friendly economy, principals are worried that some students can't afford a costume. The joke's on you, Kilmeade. You won't find any candy in that pumpkin head of yours.

Martha Stewart is not a Republican. In fact, did you know she is registered Democrat? Martha's hoping some really good candidates emerge in that kitchen of hers.

There are some serious international complications for reality television. The Chinese government is planning to limit programs that are "vulgar and overly entertaining." Who knew the Kardashian clan would be a threat to communism? Joe McCarthy is rolling in his grave.

Interweb Tomfoolery

The always cutting-edge Obama campaign has (finally) joined Tumblr!

When's the last time you had some artisan food? Maybe it was that Starbucks breakfast sandwich with a processed egg or that fancy artisan pizza from Domino's last night. Either way, you've been had. Is this good marketing, ignorance on our part, or both? Oh well, we'll just roll over for a McRib. That's the future of America.
TR Legoman
Oh, geeze. Do you have a mom on Facebook?

Floridians! Do we have any loyal readers from the Sunshine State? Let us know if you have seen the Giant Lego Man, a.k.a. Rick Scott's doppelganger.

Is the dollar bill on the way out? We hear this rumor all the time. The Supercommittee on deficit reduction says switching from the dollar bill to the coin will save $5.6 billion over 30 years. That's just an estimate. Keep those now-worthless bills in a safe somewhere!

An 87-year old man was arrested in Michigan after the cops found 104 bricks (228 pounds) of cocaine in his truck. The attorney for Leo Sharp claims the elderly man was forced at gunpoint to haul the product, worth more than $3 million. Not...so...Sharp.

Shameless Self-Promotion

Turner Strategies + the former Queen of Snark marked Domestic Awareness Month on Purple Thursday at our office. Feminism2.0, a Turner pro-bono project, continues to work with other organizations to raise awareness of domestic violence.

Out on the Town

Boo! Turner Central wishes you a Happy Halloween!
  • Another Halloween party at Bayou
  • Stuff yourself with Halloween-themed food at Truckerboo
Scorecard

Herman Cain's having a bad week. Former staffers and volunteers vented to a New York Times reporter about dysfunction, and that new campaign ad brought some unwanted attention to the shady past of his campaign manager. And we thought the 2008 crop of GOP candidates was terrible...Yippee!

See you next week,

RoyalExecutioner

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