Friday, October 28, 2011

10-28-11: The War on Halloween (For Real)

Brrr. Did you feel the chill on your face this morning? It looks like Washington is in for a touch of snow over the weekend. Just don't count on a government shutdown (from the weather).

Grab that cup of warm coffee and snark it up before you freeze!

The Week That Was

You know America is in trouble when Pat Robertson says the current GOP field is too extreme to beat President Obama. It's not just presidential candidates such as Terry Jones who are giving Robertson a case of hebbie-jebbies: Sam Wurzelbacher, who absolutely disdains politicians, would love the chance to TR OrlyTaitzform and (Dr.) Orly Taitz filed paperwork for a Senate campaign against Dianne Feinstein. We hope to learn more about dentistry, birth certificate certification, and whatever the heck she is an expert of. Orly, you are making this Californian proud. BTW, do you have Rick Perry's number handy?

There's drama in Bachmannland. Running on the fumes, the Bachmann campaign couldn't stamp the paychecks of her New Hampshire staff for an entire month. But that's not the only reason they've jumped ship. Michele insists there's nothing to it, which is odd, considering the former staffers penned a blistering letter condemning the candidate's national staff. We'll miss you on the road, Michele.

Herman Cain has a terrible, just terrible low-budget campaign ad out this week. In it, his now infamous campaign manager blabbers about something and then proudly puffs a little smoke through the teevee screen. He's followed by a smiling Cain. This just what the doctor ordered. The ad was cut by the only campaign intern remaining in his dysfunctional pizza parlor.

But enough of this. What is our Barry up to this week? Obama was back in California greasing up his limo with fried chicken (you can so see Michelle's frown and crossed arms when she heard the news) before a series of fundraisers and an appearance - sans teleprompter - on Leno. Obama supposedly met in private with some high-powered Hollywood figures to turn the tide of disappointment, and maybe score a few checks. You can't blame him: his other "allies" are playing duck-and-cover.

Democrats led by Montana Senator Max Baucus offered a proposal to slash $3 trillion in budget deficits through cuts to Medicare and Medicaid and tax increases. Orange Man rejected the proposal, citing tax increases and the zero-ing out of his tanning salon construction pet project. Time is running out for the Supercommittee to hammer out a deal. While Congress-critters play their political games, President Obama bypassed the gridlock to provide student loan relief beginning with next year's graduating class.

Oakland, Calif. has become the flashpoint of Occupy Wall Street on the west coast. An Iraq war veteran is in critical condition after TR Oaklandwitnesses say police threw some kind of object at him. Back in Turner Central's neighborhood, the U.S. Park Service isn't happy about the Occupy D.C. camp at McPherson Square. Apparently, the recently sodded grass is being trampled to death, and it would cost $200,000 to replace. There's more OWS news, though, from a BREAKING FOX NEWS ALERT: ACORN! ACORN, ACORN, ACORN!

They're back! Lawyers for the plaintiffs in the Dukes v. Wal-Mart sex discrimination case filed an amended complaint in the U.S. District Court in San Francisco. The complaint seeks to certify 95,000 Wal-Mart California employees.

European leaders agreed to a long-anticipated deal to decrease Greece's debt burden and shore up European banks. French President Sarkozy dampened the day with a frank assessment that his country should never have joined the Eurozone. Hey, as long as U.S. markets respond positively on the broken backs of the middle class, you should be happy, Mr. President.

Ah, Libya. We haven't forgotten about you. The United Nations might be, though. The Security Council unanimously voted to end the mandate that included a no-fly zone and the authorization of foreign forces to protect Libyan citizens. The mandate expires at the end of October. Meanwhile, a surviving Gaddafi son and an intelligence chief are said to be in talks to surrender to the International Criminal Court. Niger won't take them, unless they pay up, and well, they saw what happened to the former dictator.

Are You Not Entertained?

You too can be a part of history (except if you're from Italy). For a cool $2,500 per night, you can rent out the Seaside Heights home where Jersey Shore is taped. No fist-fights or any kind of that crap is allowed. Also, if you happen to see Snooki around, do not ask her who Maya Angelou or J.K. Rowling are.

Speaking of which, Warner Bros. is ending DVD production of Harry Potter movies. Don't worry, because we're certain fans are willing to open their wallets for a "re-release."

Netflix is on the rocks after losing a whopping 800,000 customers last quarter, following numerous branding and marketing gaffes. TR WarHalloweenNetflix still reigns near the top in terms of bandwidth. The internet thanks you.

There's a new "War on (insert noun)" according to the laughing stock of Fox & Friends. In today's middle class-friendly economy, principals are worried that some students can't afford a costume. The joke's on you, Kilmeade. You won't find any candy in that pumpkin head of yours.

Martha Stewart is not a Republican. In fact, did you know she is registered Democrat? Martha's hoping some really good candidates emerge in that kitchen of hers.

There are some serious international complications for reality television. The Chinese government is planning to limit programs that are "vulgar and overly entertaining." Who knew the Kardashian clan would be a threat to communism? Joe McCarthy is rolling in his grave.

Interweb Tomfoolery

The always cutting-edge Obama campaign has (finally) joined Tumblr!

When's the last time you had some artisan food? Maybe it was that Starbucks breakfast sandwich with a processed egg or that fancy artisan pizza from Domino's last night. Either way, you've been had. Is this good marketing, ignorance on our part, or both? Oh well, we'll just roll over for a McRib. That's the future of America.
TR Legoman
Oh, geeze. Do you have a mom on Facebook?

Floridians! Do we have any loyal readers from the Sunshine State? Let us know if you have seen the Giant Lego Man, a.k.a. Rick Scott's doppelganger.

Is the dollar bill on the way out? We hear this rumor all the time. The Supercommittee on deficit reduction says switching from the dollar bill to the coin will save $5.6 billion over 30 years. That's just an estimate. Keep those now-worthless bills in a safe somewhere!

An 87-year old man was arrested in Michigan after the cops found 104 bricks (228 pounds) of cocaine in his truck. The attorney for Leo Sharp claims the elderly man was forced at gunpoint to haul the product, worth more than $3 million. Not...so...Sharp.

Shameless Self-Promotion

Turner Strategies + the former Queen of Snark marked Domestic Awareness Month on Purple Thursday at our office. Feminism2.0, a Turner pro-bono project, continues to work with other organizations to raise awareness of domestic violence.

Out on the Town

Boo! Turner Central wishes you a Happy Halloween!
  • Another Halloween party at Bayou
  • Stuff yourself with Halloween-themed food at Truckerboo
Scorecard

Herman Cain's having a bad week. Former staffers and volunteers vented to a New York Times reporter about dysfunction, and that new campaign ad brought some unwanted attention to the shady past of his campaign manager. And we thought the 2008 crop of GOP candidates was terrible...Yippee!

See you next week,

RoyalExecutioner

Friday, October 21, 2011

10-21-11: No Escape for a Dictator

The St. Louis Cardinals and Texas Rangers kicked off the World Series with special guests Michelle Obama and Jill Biden. What you may not know is that our First Lady finally got the hang of how to use the Twitter. Yay for her!

Do you think Michelle would enjoy some snark from Turner Central?

The Week That Was

Well, what a hoot GOP debate #3,421 was! The City of Sin played host to a gaggle of traditional values candidates and their well-informed supporters. Unlike the previous yawners, there was some drama that made the debate worthwhile. We particularly enjoyed the dance between Romney and Perry that has everyone talking. Beyond them, stealthy frontrunner Herman Cain is spewing wacky ideas left and right, isn't certain about his position on abortion, and is TR PerryRomneyperforming a little grifting on the side. Meanwhile, Michele Bachmann scored the coveted endorsement from Wayne Newton. That will bring her back up to double-digits in Iowa. The Obama campaign is watching the gang-up on Romney and may play from the Bush 2004 campaign book to take the former Mass. governor down.

GOP establishment people are criticizing Barry this week for going on another one of his bus tours. He's campaigning on the taxpayer dime, they say. (It's not like his predecessor could be accused of the same thing). Gramps doesn't like the look of the monster, either. He may have been the one behind the teleprompter theft. While Obama pushed his jobs agenda, Tea Partiers are taking one step back (just one!) by calling on small businesses to STOP hiring people. Back in Washington, the Senate's back on recess and staying true to the new American exceptionalism, where nothing gets done.

Happy one-month birthday, from Antarctica, Occupy Wall Street! The movement is raking in the cash as the upset 1% plus Andrew Breitbart are doing everything in their power to bring them down. We also hear that Photoshop is the new best friend of Breitbots. Citibank is making the viral news circuit for all the wrong reasons. A woman at one NYC branch was arrested for trying to close her account. This must be how customers "enjoy rewarding banking." Oh, did you also know that @McCainBloggette is occupying Wall Street for research?

President Obama called Iraq's Prime Minister with breaking news: We're outta here by the end of the year. TR GaddafiUN

He ran, but he couldn't hide. Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, the former Libyan dictator who ruled for 42 years, was killed yesterday. Reports say Gaddafi was injured when his large convoy of vehicles was struck by a French airstrike (with a little help from us). He was slain by rebel fighters in his hometown of Sirte. Obama declared that America had achieved its objectives and Republican presidential candidates are notably muted after lobbing harsh criticism at the President. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was in Libya just days ago to offer support for Libya's Transnational Council. At a town hall, Clinton was quoted as saying she hoped Gaddafi would be "captured or killed soon." Now that's a fast turnaround.

Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit was released by the militant Palestinian group Hamas after five years in captivity. In exchange for Shalit's freedom, Israel agreed to release more than 1,000 Palestinian prisoners. Hamas says Israel still has more than four times that number in custody and that this latest deal would not negate their willingness to take further soldiers as prisoners. Ugh. When will the cycle end.

We hate to be the bringer of bad news, but Harold Camp says the world is coming to an end TODAY. Yeah, he just made a small, five month miscalculation.

Are You Not Entertained?

We have some heartbreaking news for the Kardashians: President Obama is not a fan of the show, and it appears he's hoping his daughters stay far away from it. The Kardashian clan is shocked, absolutely SHOCKED by the duplicity!

People are still rushing to get their hot little hands on the new iPhone, including Mike Sorrentino. We applaud the Apple worker who kept the situation in check.

TR saltpepperYour Royal Executioner admits to not being the best example when it comes to maintaining a healthy diet. But the Fox and Friends gang are always up for stirring up a ruckus about that over-regulating President Barack Obama. They brought on a high school student, who lays no blame on the school, but participated in a boycott to hurt Wentzville High anyways. Bringing your own lunch from home is hip, y'all.

Has the justice system had enough of Lindsay Lohan? A Los Angeles court judge is sick of the incomplete community service hours and multiple probation violations. Bail is set at $100k. Maybe we're sick of hearing about it, too.

A passenger on a New York-Los Angeles flight says Anna Wintour changed twice on the six-hour flight. What we want to know is why Ms. Wintour was flying commercial.

Interweb Tomfoolery

It turns out K Street is not so into the Twitter and Facebook thing. According to Politico, only half of the top lobbying firms have a presence on either of the two top social networking sites. That's understandable. You can't do the dirty work out in the open.

Today in the animal kingdom: An Alaskan grocery store becomes a playhouse for a lost cub, and penguins can be mischievous criminals, too.
TR ShawnWeiner
Speaking of which, today's dumb American criminal is 39-year old Shawn Weimer, of Brownstown, Michigan. The wasted father had his 9-year old daughter drive him to the gas station (probably to fill up on the booze) and proudly bragged to the attendant that his designated driver was under-aged. What a jerk. His previous offenses include robbery and receiving and concealing stolen property.

This has to be one of the best push polls of the year. Thank you for this, Kentucky.

Make your own animated election video of your favorite candidate here. We'll start with Herman Cain.

Watch out Google. There's new competition for your search engine. MC Hammer previewed WireDoo in San Francisco on Wednesday. This is not a joke and we're nowhere near April 1.

Out on the Town

Staying in town this weekend? Here are some suggestions:
  • Howard University's day-long Yardfest features music and family events
  • Take a tea tour in Alexandria (no misspelled signs allowed)
Scorecard

We had another one of those weeks when the news quickly turned upside down. Don't be surprised to see more coverage of the end of Gaddafi and the future of Libya in the coming weeks. So, how long will it be until the average American news consumer returns to the "nothing else is going on beyond our borders" state of mind? Tomorrow.

Until next week,

RoyalExecutioner

Friday, October 14, 2011

10-14-11: It's Pizza Night at the House of Cain

Were you fortunate enough to be caught in last night's downpour? Sadly, there's not enough water in the forecast to wash away the stink in the halls of Congress and the grip of special interests. Will we witness change this Sunday?

Skip forward for some snark to warm up your weekend.

The Week That Was

You know, we saw this coming. The man behind a pizza chain is skyrocketing in the polls. Who in America doesn't love a slice of heaven, especially in today's economy? Rick Perry, once a Tea Party saint, is just an afterthought (a carefully scripted speech won't save you now!). Pro-healthcare reformer Mitt Romney TR JoePlumberreceived a big endorsement from Christie this week. He's slick working behind the scenes. Now everyone is saying Mittens is the inevitable nominee.

Let's move on to some other noteworthy campaign news. Joe the Plumber, the attention-seeking spectacle during the 2008 campaign, filed paperwork to run in Ohio's 9th Congressional District, in which he does not live. Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher has already set up a no-frills campaign website ready to accept your Tea Party bucks. It's a pity "Joe" forgot to do a little research so that he might arrive at the conclusion that he has little chance in a heavily-Democratic district. Oh, and the REAL plumbers don't think highly of him. Zing. Is this Tea Party grifting movement a trend?

You should read Vanity Fair's piece on Elizabeth Warren. With Scott Brown's recent stumbles, it's looking better by the day for the rising Democratic star.

House Republicans are attacking a woman's right to choose, again. There's nothing new about that. GOP-sponsored legislation would amend the Affordable Care Act to prevent federal funding for use in abortions or plans that provide abortion coverage. Members, some of their staff, and a kitten kaboodle of anti-abortion groups were on hand yesterday for some live ultrasounds in the Capitol Visitors Center. Cute. The House passed another piece of anti-abortion legislation, the Protect Life Act, but it's unlikely the Senate will follow up.

Senate Republicans and a handful of Democrats (shame on them!) shot down President Obama's jobs package. Barry's going to work with Democrats to pass smaller bits of legislation. Thankfully, Congress awarded the President a victory this week when it gave the green light to trade agreements with Colombia, Panama, and South Korea. All of this is tiring poor Bill Daley.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg is losing patience with the Occupy Wall Street people. The billionaire mayor made a personal appearance (how thoughtful of him) and told them to clean up their act. If you haven't already heard, America's #1 pimp, James O'Keefe, who's still serving out three years of probation, joined the TR OkeefeOWSfestivities on Wall Street. Sources say his appearance was not related to his narcissistic craving for attention or his credit card debt. Meanwhile, conservative "activist" Victoria Jackson also made a laughable appearance. Who, you say? Well, the media says she starred on SNL, so we guess she's famous or something. CNN hack Erick Erickson brought up the rear with a real doozy, and Teabaggers are rightly fumed about being compared to these hippies. Hey, there's nothing wrong with diversity. Finally, what does FDR have to say about Occupy Wall Street?

OWS should be happy about this news: Former Galleon Group hedge fund founder Raj Rajaratnam was sentenced to 11 years in prison for pocketing millions from insider trading. U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara called Rajaratnam's sentencing a wake up call for Wall Street. Haha. We bet Mittens would call this occasion "Believing in America."

So, about that Iran assassination plot... The FBI charged two men, one a naturalized U.S. citizen and the other a member of Iran's Revolutionary Guard, with conspiracy to murder a foreign official (the Saudi Ambassador to the United States), among other things. Obama said the Iran government will "pay a price" for its alleged involvement in the plot in the form of sanctions and isolation from the international community. But, hold your horses, because a few anonymous insiders say there's little evidence of Iran's top leadership having knowledge of the plot. Deja vu?

Are You Not Entertained?

A Reddit poster asked if a single U.S. Marine Infantry Unit could defeat Rome during the rule of Augustus. That time-traveling piece of fiction warranted the attention of Warner Bros., which purchased the idea from two-time Jeopardy champion James Irwin. Not bad for a single posting on the interwebs.

Avatar leads the pack of the most pirated films of all time with 21 million questionable downloads. We are absolutely certain that NONE of our TR readers are part of this statistic.
TR PaulaDeen
Hey, y'all! Regardless of what you think about her cooking, Paula Deen was named the hottest female TV chef by Maxim. Sadly, you won't find Paula's cuisine gracing the Obama family dinner table (but maybe ours?).

World War Z is still on schedule, according to producers. Brad Pitt's latest film encountered a hiccup after Hungarian authorities seized one hundred weapons brought in via Budapest Ferenc Liszt Airport. Not exactly the blockbuster they were looking forward to shoot.

Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane says the series, currently in its seventh season, deserves a shot at the silver screen. He's also interested in bringing Star Trek back to television.

Interweb Tomfoolery

There must be something in the sauce. A Florida Taco Bell fell victim to a drunk Matthew Falkner, who passed out at the drive-thru window. When police asked for ID, Falkner took out a taco. He was arrested with nearly three times the legal blood alcohol level. Genius.

The Wall Street Journal is looking good, with it's excellent TR brokenblackberryopinionated spin of Occupy Wall Street. Which is why were asking: Is a copy of the WSJ really worth a penny?

Research in Motion's CEO is apologizing this for a severe three-day BlackBerry outage that affected users around the globe, and, according to CNN, on Mars.

Ben & Jerry's has a particularly independent streak of creating new flavors - although their last creation upset the wing-nuts. Here's your chance to create the flavor of your dreams.

Starbucks is moving quickly into the juice bar business. The coffee giant predicts the world's coffee supply will run dry several decades from now. So much for sustainability.

Out on the Town

We are praying that the weather people get this weekend right. Sunny and warm is in the forecast.
  • Art, performance and music at the Smithsonian's After Hours
Scorecard

People laughed at the thought of Herman Cain winning the GOP nomination. They might still be right. As a professed outsider, Mr. Cain says he'll be forced to bring on-board D.C. insiders for all the backroom deals. He's confusing the Tea Party crowd now. Come on, Sarah, time to jump back in!

We'll catch you next week,

RoyalExecutioner

Friday, October 7, 2011

10-7-11: Sarah Palin Quits (the Speculation)

Protests, protests, and more protests! It appears this Occupy Wall Street movement is spreading like wildfire. Mainstream politicians are throwing their support behind them, three weeks into the demonstrations. Tea Party officials, busy cashing in, say it's absurd to compare the two movements. We do, too! Astroturfing is not the way to go!

Will Wall Street get the message?

The Week That Was

Renowned American historian/reality television actress Sarah Palin waited until the last minute (so she could sucker a few Tea Partiers out of their final paychecks) to announce that she's quitting again, much to the angst of Fox and Friends. Repeat after us: No more news about Sarah Palin. However, let it be known that the grifting will continue. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie also ended media speculation that he'd jump into the 2012 race. They TR PalinNopewon't have Chris Christie to roll around anymore.

RNC Chair Reince Priebus must be enjoying his stint at the helm of the Grand Old Party. The Iowa Caucus is set for January 3. Florida, Nevada and South Carolina moved up their primaries a couple of weeks and that didn't go over well with the entitled folk in New Hampshire, who threatened to hold theirs in December.

Rick Perry is slipping and sliding over the latest embarrassing story: the offensive name of a hunting camp once leased by his father. The candidate claims his father painted over the racial epithet, shortly after the elder Perry began leasing the property. But that's not what some local leaders recall. Despite the scrutiny, Rick's managed to raise a whopping $17 million since entering the race less than two months ago (which is still far short of Barack's haul). The money isn't helping the Texas governor in the polls, though. He's fallen behind Mitt Romney and Herman Cain. Yes, the Pizza Man is cutting up the competition now. Lastly, where is Michele Bachmann these days?

Obama held another press conference in Washington, urging Congress to work with him to pass his $447 billion jobs package. House Majority Leader Eric Cantor previously called the bill dead on arrival, laughed, and promptly blew cigarette smoke at some poor reporter's face. Okay, we made the last part up. He should be thankful he represents a relatively well-off district, as opposed to those represented by some of his Tea Party comrades. As the GOP pledges to cap, cut and balance, they're doing an awesome job racking up a huge bill to defend the Defense of Marriage Act. We're back to the good old days of compassionate conservatism. Finally, Harry Reid, tired of GOP obstructionism, went nuclear.

The OccupyDC protesters are staked out a few blocks from TurnerTR OccupyDC Central. Perhaps you have seen them? The media is doing a mighty fine job covering the growing protests. The New York Times managed to alter reality in a few short minutes, while a WaPo columnist did a little dance as he sort-of endorsed the other 99%. A CNN business reporter took to the Twitter in awe of the bongos and weed. She previously reported that Wall Street workers "truly emphasize and understand" the protestors. How snarky! Oh, and Herman Cain. Did we mention him before? To the unemployed Occupy Wall Street people: Blame yourselves.

Steve Jobs, who only recently stepped down as CEO of Apple, passed away after a long battle with pancreatic cancer. Tributes poured in from all over the world, from business and world leaders, to those who had a few "insanely great minutes" with him. He's left some big shoes to fill in the tech world. Rest in peace.

Are You Not Entertained?

It's always about the money, isn't it? 20th Century Fox TV is in negotiations with the cast behind the voices of The Simpsons. If the parties are unable to come to an agreement today, this season may be the show's last. D'oh!
TR hungry muppet
Sesame Street is up to its liberal shenanigans again! (Aren't they always). Coming to a television near you: Lily, a muppet, whose family struggles with hunger. The October 9 special will also star Brad Paisley and will bring attention to food insecurity in the United States.

Fox News did not air this interview with one of the Occupy Wall Street protesters for a very good reason - it wasn't fair and balanced.

So, like, you know. Did you, like, do something, like, yesterday? Yeah. I totally was, like, annoying. Shut up. Totally. Thank you, American television viewers, for making Kim Kardashian famous.

Interweb Tomfoolery

YouTube has added a channel dedicated to the 2012 campaign. You can watch the top campaign videos and see how each official campaign's YouTube channel stacks up to the competition. Barry, you need to do a little catching up!

Have you ever been too lazy to make it out of the office to get lunch from the deli just around the corner? Then the PR2 is your solution! This robot will make sure you never go hungry (but it might need some assistance at the elevator).

We're all familiar with the TR ReplyAllpotential disaster of the "reply all" button. After the Bloggess snarkily replied to an inappropriate and off-topic email pitch with a picture of Wil Wheaton collating, one PR firm's VP expressed his disapproval in a way that would not be endorsed by Dale Carnegie. You stay classy, "Jose." We're certain your clients at BrandLink Communications approve.

This is what happens when American Express didn't take a little helpful advice seriously. And this is why Twitter outclasses the dinosaur phone.

Hey there, attempted robber! An unarmed man demanded cash from a convenience store manager as a local policeman stood footsteps behind. Watch the amusing video showing the manager laughing as he stuffs the cash, and shoppers going about their business. The would-be thief was arrested as he left the store. Some people were born to entertain.

Maryland is taking gerrymandering to the extreme.

Out on the Town

We hope you're ready for the three-day weekend. If not, here are some suggestions:
  • The Maryland Brewer Association's Oktoberfest is at the Timonium Fairgrounds
  • Enjoy the music of more than 125 bands at STPP Fest
Scorecard

Oy, are we seeing the end of the Tea Party and the rise of a new era of protests? The people at FreedomWorks and Americans for Prosperity should jot down some notes instead of stuffing their pockets with cash from the misinformed.

Steve Jobs - your legacy will be remembered for years to come.

We'll see you next week!

RoyalExecutioner