Friday, September 30, 2011

9-30-11: Laughable Lamestream Media Forgot to Report on the End of America

Getting tired of the Washington traffic? Thanks to a relatively strong economy (good news?), the DC metro region beat out Chicago and Los Angeles to take the number one spot in a study by Texas A&M. Drivers slogging through DC spend three days a year in traffic. Well, at least we have a top-of-the-line public transit system, right? Hah! If you're planning to use the Metro this weekend, be ready for the pain.

Take in some snark while you wait.

The Week That Was

President Obama returned to Washington after a campaign/work tour out West. A certain White House staffer saw it fit to confuse press people (except CNN) by performing a switch-e-roo with Colorado and Wyoming. Was Barack planning to hatch an evil plan with Dick Cheney? There was TR Obamacowboya badly-timed phone call and a heckling, but all in all, it was a successful fundraising swing for the President.

Immigration activists: Have no worry! Obama is still committed to comprehensive immigration reform. We're more than a year away from the 2012 Presidential election and that's more than enough time, right? Not so fast, says Mitch McConnell. Smoke and mirrors. ICE arrested about 3,000 illegal immigrants with criminal records, while the great State of Alabama has been given the green light for its tough immigration laws. Thanks for taking the mantle away from Arizona and Sheriff Joe.

Have you all been glued to the teevee watching coverage of the ongoing "occupation" of Wall Street? Well, you would be, if the liberal lamestream media bothered to send in a team or two. MSNBC did send a photographer and got a few snaps. And here is a VERY FUNNY video of Wall Street jokesters mocking the protestors. So while the rest of America does its thing, living on a daily diet of rice and beans, the Big Banks are laughing all the way to the deposit box. New fees, thousands of layoffs, and outrageous profits are all indications that the robust American economy works for everyone.

Let's head overseas now where conditions are just as bad. (Take that, TR goldenyou haters that moved to Europe!). German legislators agreed to expand a bailout package to $600 billion - a significant political move to persuade other Eurozone countries to follow. Still, global investors predict Europe will slide into a recession within a year and believe that $600 billion will not be enough to rescue Italy and Spain, should they become ensnared by Greece's debt debacle. We're always beating up on Greece these days. As the European economy tanks, we, on the other side of the Atlantic, will be saying hello to the Tea Party Recession.

US officials say a predator drone strike killed Anwar al-Alawki, an American-born cleric and leader of al-Qaeda in Yemen. He had been suspected of being involved in plots to destroy a Northwest Airlines jet and two cargo planes in 2009. Meanwhile, an assassination attempt was made on Yemen's defense minister, just as world leaders denounced violence and called for earlier Presidential elections.

Are You Not Entertained?

George Clooney, who stars as Governor Mike Morris in Ides of March, talks politics before the film's release. Clooney renamed the Broadway hit Farragut North to its present title. And what does this have to do with Turner Central? Take a look at a map.

Andy Rooney's witty, sometimes crude, but always snarky discussions on life will come to an end on 60 Minutes. Since joining as a regular contributor, Mr. RooTR christienopeney has contributed more than 1,000 short essays to the show.

Should Chris Christie jump into the 2012 race he can sure count out Snooki as a celebrity supporter. The New Jersey governor vetoed a $420,000 production credit that would have "perpetuated misconceptions" about New Jersey. You may remember that Snooki was not happy about Obama's tanning tax.

Step aside, Sesame Street. Glenn Beck is planning to indoctrinate your kid(s) with Liberty Treehouse. Elmo and his fellow communist friends have some new competition in the neighborhood.

Anderson Cooper has never included brussel sprouts, coffee or spinach in his diet. Don't tell us you've never had fried chicken, either, Anderson.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Two Cornell researchers have found a new way to discover when humanity is at its peak of drunkenness: Twitter. Two in the morning is the winner here. After sifting through more than 2.4 million peoples' 500 million tweets, the Cornell duo were shocked to learn that people were happier in the morning and on weekends.

A team of researchers at Johns Hopkins may have the cure. They have reported that magic mushrooms improve personality traits long-term. Just think about all the important tweets available to them.
TR capitolpolice
The Capitol Police are taking a story and a series of tweets by The Onion seriously. Politicos no doubt will understand the meaning of a photoshopped John Boehner holding a kid hostage. Nevertheless, we think this piece of fiction goes a little too far.

Authorities raided a Boca Raton pawnshop and discovered $3 million worth of stolen dental equipment, including $22,000 worth of toothbrushes. A trio of thieves is accused of lifting product from more than 60 stores. Who knew there was such a market for toothbrushes these days?

This poor lab rat has been assimilated.

Out on the Town

Here are some suggestions to cheer up your weekend:
Scorecard

The global economy is headed down the toilet as the banksters make off like the true bandits they are. The mainstream media will get around to covering the REAL people on Wall Street, one day, while we're cooking our last squirrel on an open-pit fire.


Until that day arrives, you can still follow and like us.


See you next week!


RoyalExecutioner

Friday, September 23, 2011

9-23-11: O Humani-tea, Where Art Thou?

Farewell to the days of summer. Mother Nature reminded us of the arrival of a new season with a few showers here at Turner Central. Meanwhile, Tea Party Republicans, just like the dark clouds on the horizon, threaten to dampen our day. Oh, how we long for happier times.


But, cheer up, because we've got some snarkin' to do.


The Week That Was

Republican Presidential candidates participated in yet another debate, this time hosted by Fox News and Google in Orlando. Lots of frank reaction from pundits: Rick Perry bombed yet again. We agree with Paul Begala, who's noted that the audience at these conservative outings have been downright despicable at times. We loved the Tea Party costumes, BTW. Rick Santorum has FINALLY contacted Google about the TR RickSantorumSantorum problem, but the search engine kindly reminded him that they couldn't do much to clean up his act. Ha ha. We almost forgot to mention that a "Thaddeus McCotter" has withdrawn from the campaign for the GOP nomination. Phew, thanks for reminding us that you were even here, Thad.

Congressional Republicans have a mighty fine plan for the U.S. economy, conveniently unveiled in a letter to Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke earlier this week. Basically, Ben, you ARE NOT to intervene to prevent an economic meltdown. How's that for putting Country First? The Dow fell more than 300 points yesterday amid fears of an imminent global recession is just around the corner. Speaker Boehner again had a falling out with the most conservative members of his Caucus. You can't have a tea party without tea, Mr. Speaker. The House managed to pass a continuing resolution, but Senate Democrats took issue with the measure, which reduces disaster relief aid and cuts into a $1 billion vehicle manufacturing loan program.

World leaders gathered in New York City for your usual set of meetings and chest-thumping speeches before the U.N. General Assembly. Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad blamed America for the global financial crisis, accused the U.S. and its allies of causing misery from slavery and world wars, and said that Israel is responsible for 60 years of war. Obama underscored his Administration's commitment to the security of Israel (but don't tell Rick Perry that) and urged the Palestinians to reconsider their petition to the UN to formally recognize an independent state. Obama's speech appears to have been overshadowed in the media by his photo-op snafu. Well done, Mr. President.

Troy Davis, convicted of killing a policeman 22 years ago, was executed Wednesday night in Georgia. The U.S. Supreme Court denied a final appeal by his attorneys. His supporters say flawed testimony and lack of evidence should have exonerated Mr. Davis. Former President Jimmy Carter called the execution unjust and hoped that the case would spur a drive to end capital punishment in the United States. We might as well show you what the pundits from the other side had to say on the Twitter. That's right - keep it classy.TR DADTlift

Gay service members and their allies are celebrating the end of the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy, which sailed into history at midnight on Tuesday. Well, there you have it: the world didn't end. Hours before the ban was lifted, a soldier serving overseas recorded a video as he came out to his father.

The White House launched its We The People portal, where ordinary Americans can petition the Administration, as long as they reach a threshold of 5,000 signatures. You know where this is headed. Two of the top petitions relate to marijuana legalization. Another petition calls for Obama to acknowledge the presence of extraterrestrials living among us. When we checked the website just now, we received a maintenance alert on our screen. We'll try tomorrow.

Amazon.com is receiving some unwanted attention this week after a local Pennsylvania paper reported on harsh conditions workers endure at one of its packing warehouses. Current and past employees worked the summers in temperatures above 100 degrees. Workers whose productivity suffered from the heat were terminated and quickly replaced. Apparently, working for Amazon is just like working in the Amazon.

Are You Not Entertained?

Netflix, or at least half of the outfit, is now known as Qwikster. Sadly, the brand people didn't realize that someone else owns the Twitter account @Qwikster. This and a spate of angry former subscribers and you've got one disaster of a rollout.

TR SalihisThe Salahis basked in the political rags of this city after their attention-grabbing stunt at the White House state dinner back in 2009. Last week, Tareq believed his wife Michaele had been kidnapped. Well, it turns out she fled into the arms of another man. Tareq has already filed for divorce. Reality bites.

Ted Haggard has a new gig with an appearance on "Celebrity Wife Swap." According to the Colorado Springs Gazette, a portion of the show will be shot at the Colorado Springs GLBT Pride Center. Hey, people, we're just reporting the facts.

Jon Stewart is absolutely terrified at the thought of Bill O leaving the country over Obama's plan to raise taxes on millionaires. We would be too.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Facebook user fury! That's nothing new. The social networking giant announced a complete overhaul of its venerable platform. Timelines will add a lot more visual elements to the user's profile, so that your friends will learn more about you, we guess?
TR icecream
Wars, recessions, petty conflicts. There are times when you just want to get away from it all. It's too bad the ISS will one day meet its fiery end.


The American Family Association is mad as hell at Ben & Jerry's latest ice cream flavor, Schweddy Balls. AFA is now calling for a boycott. Going after ice cream - now that's a sign of desperation.


Some adults just weren't meant to have kids. A kindergartener showed up for show-and-tell (remember that?) one day with a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe. The kid's 32-year old mother was arrested on drug charges. Tea Party Republican George Hutchins, running in North Carolina's Fourth Congressional District, has what we believe to be the best campaign website in the 2012 cycle. Just avoid getting a seizure when you read through his campaign platform.


Out on the Town


What are you doing this weekend?

Scorecard

Are Democrats trying to destroy the economy? That's a voice-over from Fox News a few years back. Republicans want their cuts from programs affecting the most vulnerable and thankfully their opposition is holding. Rick Perry, the Tea Party fantasy candidate, appears to be flaming out and Mitt Romney couldn't be any happier with that.


There's more snark to come, so stay tuned on the Twitter and on Facebook (if you can figure the latter out).


See you next week!

RoyalExecutioner

Friday, September 16, 2011

9-16-11: Return of the Death Panels (and it's not ObamaCare!)

The past few months haven't been kind to Democrats across the country. White House insiders (and outsiders) are getting a little leaky with their thoughts about Chief of Staff Bill Daley. Two special elections were held on Tuesday - and you guessed correctly - both were GOP wins. Can Team Obama turn the ship around in 14 months?

This snark may just depend on it...


The Week That Was


Democrats are not all hands on deck with President Obama's jobs plan, which includes tax increases for America's uber wealthy. The Administration estimates the plan would bring in more than $400 billion TR Gohmertin new revenue. Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert, who we mention whenever he wants to be a little jerk, filed his American Jobs Act before Barry had a chance to. Knock it off, man. As far as we can tell, there's no secret plan to bring terror babies into the country.

Everyone is ganging up on poor ol' Rick Perry these days. At Monday's Tea Party Extravaganza, hosted by CNN, Rick and Mitt went at it. Michele Bachmann has provided a wonderful business opportunity for ANYONE looking to make a quick buck: Can you prove that HPV injections cause mental retardation? She later told Sean Hannity that she had no idea if the claim was true. Let them die! The Tea Party audience let out a resounding cheer when the Blitzer asked Ron Paul if, hypothetically, a healthy uninsured man should be left to die. These are Great American Patriots.

T-Paw emerged from the icebox and endorsed Mitt Romney. (How's that RomneyCare going for ya?). This will either be the kiss of death or the beginning of a great friendship! No word yet if "Dull and Duller" will be the latest campaign slogan. Also, the 2012 GOP candidates are lining up like little children before Santa Claus to beg for the endorsement of that crazy sheriff, Joe Arpaio. Is this what outreach to the Latino community looks like for the Tea Party fringe?

Is there a pattern? CNN appears to have a (unhealthy?) relationship with the Tea Party these days. Are the ratings that low, Ken? Anywho, a groundbreaking study of the movement suggests that the Republican Party is evenly divided between supporting the traditional GOP platform and that of the Tea Party (whatever that may be at any given time). Other cool facts: Six in ten Tea Party Republicans say global warming is not proven fact and believe evolution is "wrong." We must be living in an alternate universe. Oh, wait, we're not.

New numbers out from the Census Bureau paint a bleak picture for the poorest Americans. 46.2 million Americans now live below the poverty line - a family of four with an annual income of $22,113. 2.6 million Americans fell into poverty in 2009 alone. Welcome to America, folks, where the banksters roam free. Meanwhile, reports out of Kentucky say that the state's poorest citizens are a bit of an enigma. According to Sen. Rand Paul, poor people are gettin' richer faster than the wealthy are!

TR EU

Moody's downgraded the ratings of two of France's largest banks amid concerns that a nearly bankrupt Greece is almost certain to default on its debt. European banks hold billions of euros in Greek debt and a default may lead to a chain reaction that could threaten the currency used by a majority of European Union members. German's Chancellor Merkel is doing her best to calm the waters. Well, at least she's trying.

Palestinians are seeking statehood with a scheduled vote at the United Nations. The Obama Administration is looking to avoid a showdown next week and is involved in negotiations with Israeli and Palestinian diplomats. Turkey continues to be a strong backer of Palestinian statehood.

When's the last time you bought one of those antiques known as a book? Borders is closing for good, with its first store shutting on Monday. The Amazons of the world are king now.


Are You Not Entertained?

New Jersey taxpayers are set to pay a $420,000 tab for a tax credit awarded to the producers of Jersey Shore. Haha, well, at least they won't be paying for Snooki and AC's tanning outing.

Hollywood's elite are asking Obama: What's gone wrong? Some celebrities are still writing big checks, but others are letting the world know about their disappointment with Barry's take on the issues. Afghanistan, Iraq, gay rights, the enviroment, and list goes on. Lucky for TR BeckCrazyus, none are willing to open their wallets to the likes of Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann.

Glenn Beck must be popular - 230,000 signed up for GBTV's monthly subscription of $9.95. Wow, that's a real bargain...that belongs in the bargain bin.

Shocking: Iran is banning everything associated with American soap operas. Just shocking!

Oprah may have her own network, but could Homer and the rest of the Simpson clan soon follow in her footsteps? Prepare for more television advertising from the donut industry.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Your Royal Executioner is typing this edition out on a computer still running that obsolete Windows 7! Microsoft recently gave us a sneak peek of the latest Windows iteration.

Former Facebook twins Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss (teehee) star in TR pistachiosan ad for Wonderful Pistachios. Their fall from grace reminds us of the lasting legacy of Charlie Crist.

A follow-up: Americans spend 53 billion minutes a month on Facebook.

What ever happened to that social networking hit Google Plus? The new kid on the block hasn't exactly lived up to its status as the Facebook killer. People are not even Googling for it, anymore. The Google is trying to strike gold again with something called Propeller.

Well, here's your Wal-Mart crime of the week: Scott Shover is accused of eating raw meat and placing the un-eaten portions back on the shelf without paying. Mr. Shover's had previous run-ins with the police. We're pretty sure Wal-Mart sells microwaves. Click the link for a picture that you should not laugh at.

Out on the Town

Festival season has arrived!

  • Jim Lehrer will take your questions at Politics & Prose
  • The National Zoo is hosting the Fiesta Musical for Hispanic Heritage Month
Scorecard

This weekend is looking good. Relax, have a few drinks (because you'll need to), and have a frank conversation with your best friend - who may just be a Tea Party Republican. We're going to need all the help we can get.

Do you miss the TR between editions? Remember to like us on Facebook for snarkery all week long!

Until next week,

RoyalExecutioner

Friday, September 9, 2011

9-9-11: Remembering 9/11, Jobs and More Jobs, and a Lasagna Dinner Gone Wrong

This coming Sunday will have much meaning to all of us. Most of us still remember what we were doing that morning as images of terror and heroism streamed by on television and on our computer screens.

Ten years later, while we remember those we lost, we are reminded of those rescuers and survivors who still need their voices to be heard.

Never forget.

TR 911

The Week That Was


Last night, President Obama delivered his jobs speech to a joint session of Congress. Predictably, several Republican party poopers sat out, including lonely Georgia Rep. Paul Broun, who resorted to a Twitter town hall with an overwhelming two followers. What's in Barry's TR Obamajobslatest jobs package? There's $240 billion to expand and extend the payroll tax cut, $62 billion for unemployment insurance and job programs, and $60 billion for infrastructure projects. Funding will also be provided to prevent the layoffs of hundreds of thousands of teachers, firefighters, and police officers. Moody's says the $447 billion deal (if passed) would create 1.9 million jobs. Obama says there's "nothing controversial about" his proposals. Hah! We bet Republicans have already found something to complain about. Yep, they already have.

Well, you didn't miss much at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library slumberfest. Mitt Romney and the "others" ganged up on newly-minted frontrunner Rick Perry. Michele Bachmann, who just lost her two top campaign staffers, scored a few points in the "how Congress works" column, but otherwise offered little else. We hear the pro-life, pro-capital punishment crowd cheered for the cameras. Meanwhile, the other contenders (is that what we call candidates with no chance these days?) just walked on set, smiled, and left. That's a nice photo-op with the former First Lady, gentlemen. Now, take a punch in the gut from Patti Davis.

Gov. Perry had a lot more to worry about besides memorizing debate prep. cards and gelling his hair. More than 1,400 homes have burned across his state, forcing thousands to evacuate. Ironically, the Texas Governor oversaw a major cut in funding for volunteer fire departments. Volunteer firefighters make up the bulk of the state's firefighting force. Apparently, NOW is not the time to involve politics, as FEMA has been called in. Jesus.

What's happened to today's Republican Party - where the crazy has become the mainstream? A former GOP Hill staffer explains.
TR USPS
Goodbye venerable mailbox and stamps? The U.S. Postal Service is deep in the red and may not be able to meet the end-of-the-month deadline to pay $5.5 billion into its health care benefits fund for future retirees. Significant cuts are expected at USPS, where benefits and payroll make up 80% of operating costs. Everyone's feeling the squeeze these days.

Patents! Patents! Patents! The Senate Thursday passed legislation reforming the nation's outdated patent laws. President Obama is expected to sign it into law soon

No one knows the whereabouts of Moammar Gadhafi. His lieutenants are fleeing the country, his family is in Algeria, and Interpol has issued a warrant for the ex-leader and his son. Time's up, dude. A radio message, purported to be from Gadhafi, called upon his supporters to fight on. He'll be captured soon, in a hole, a la Saddam Hussein.

Are You Not Entertained?

Best friends forever: Michelle Obama, Mr. Bean, Elton John, and Simon Cowell. That's one heckuva list. These celebrity impersonators from the UK will be competing in Las Vegas.

Regis Philbin's last show is November 18, but the soon-to-be former TV host is likely to star in his own reality show. Just what America ordered...Can you guess the audience?

TR GretchenThe shrills over at Fox News are on a roll this week. First up, Gretchen Carlson, who for some reason, cannot remember an instance of Tea Party tomfoolery at any one rally. She then got into a testy squabble with White House Press Secretary Jay Carney (who later faced off with Bill O). Where's the seven second delay, Fox? This channel isn't for the children.

MSNBC's Andrea Mitchell announced on air that she has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Get well, Andrea.

We reported that Kate Gosselin's latest adventure into reality teevee had been canceled (not to our delight, we swear). So what does one in her position do? Buy a fancy new car AFTER complaining to the tabloids that it will be difficult to support the children.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Bloggers are not to be messed with. That's what PR firm Ketchum and Con Agra Foods learned. Participants were invited to dine at an "intimate Italian restaurant" with a celebrity chef and a renowned food analyst. It turns out that fancy lasagna and dessert were just some microwaved Marie Callender's frozen food. We call that a PRWTF.

According to social media site Badoo, Americans are the coolest. Obama, Snoop Dogg, and Steve Jobs made the list of the coolest Americans. We may have fallen on bad times, but we're still cool! Brazilians are number two.
TR crocodile
Filipino villagers finally caught their prize - a crocodile weighing 2,370 pounds - after a three-week hunt. Fortunately, the law of the land prevents them from killing the large beast. You'll never find one of these down in the Louisiana bayou.

This week's criminal investigation brings us to D'iberville, MS. Nathan Hardy was arrested at the local Winn Dixie for stuffing food into his shorts. That's not all - his victims included live lobsters and the employees he threw a pork loin at. That's southern hospitality for ya.

Former Yahoo! CEO Carol Bartz e-mailed her colleagues a short note that she had been fired by the Chair of the Board over the phone. Staying true to her style, Carol didn't leave quietly. The Wall Street Journal has some of Ms. Bartz's greatest hits.

Out on the Town

Remember to bring your umbrella as you head out the door!
  • Hillyer Art Space is hosting its fall Swap Shop
Scorecard

Republicans are gambling that hyper-partisanship and schoolyard bullying will weaken Obama's re-election hopes. The President has called on Congress to act, but in the face of GOP opposition, will gladly go to the American public. Let's hope it fares better than his recent Midwest tour. Time to fire it up, Democrats!

There's never a better time than now to follow us and like us!

Until next week,

RoyalExecutioner




Friday, September 2, 2011

9-2-11: Hating on FEMA, Regulations be Damned, and Snooping at Wal-Mart

'Tis the season to relent! Barry's been having some bad luck of late. The President's team tried to set a date for an address to a joint session of Congress, only to be rebuffed by whiny Speaker Boehner. Apparently, a pow-wow at Ronnie's Presidential Library takes precedent over everything else. Out today is some bad news about job creation or lack thereof. Despite unfavorable economic conditions, two wars and a whole lot more, some on the Left are up in arms with the perception that Barry's conceding too much ground to his opponents.

Let's continue and see what the GOP has been up to since last week.

The Week That Was

The East Coast is still recovering from Hurricane Irene. Thousands were left stranded, and millions were left without power. The residents of Pittsfield, Vermont knew exactly what to do to weather the aftermath. Good for them. Also, have you heard of the Waffle House Index? The folks over at FEMA use it to determine where to get down to work. Speaking of FEMA, Eric Cantor and Ron Paul are not big fans. A New York Tea Party freshman also hates it when the federal government helps those in a bad situation. Get on the phones if you're a constituent of one of these outspoken small government (or no government) standard-TR RickPerrybearers. While the news people were mostly glued to Irene, we still must not forget that Monday was the sixth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina's destructive arrival on the Gulf Coast.

Texas Governor Rick Perry is soaring in EVERY poll. The Romney campaign is said to be watching the numbers closely, but they're not panicking - yet. With frontrunner's status, there's sure to be a lot of digging up of Rick's past. He's said he's got nothing to hide in his closet, but admits his book release probably wasn't a sound idea. Politico also published a story this week on the Texan's new-found love of books about China. The title of the piece is a keeper, we might add. Die-hard wing-nuts will no doubt be enchanted with his praise for "Hillarycare" and his slick real estate deals. Good luck, Rick. You're going to need it.

Michele Bachmann's team is conceding there's no hope in New Hampshire. Crazy must not be a hot commodity in the Granite State. The winner of the Iowa straw poll cracked a joke at the expense of the millions of people who were inconvenienced/devastated by the weekend hurricane. You are so funny, Michele! If only your numbers could match the rise your diverse group of supporters got out of mocking hurricane victims. And, finally, what's this about Ms. Bachmann's bridge-to-nowhere project?

We might be waiting giddily for next week's GOP debate hosted by Google and Fox News, but the good folks at the Tampa Penthouse Club are already getting a head start for the "festivities" next summer. Scandal, scandal, scandal.

Before we forget, there was a little Tea Party drama between Christine O'Donnell and Sarah Palin's camps. Someone was invited, then dis-invited, then re-invited, and then...eh, whatever. Oh, and Sarah's heading to South Korea for the "World Knowledge Forum." The joke writes itself.
TR EPA
Well, enough of that. There are some very important policy initiatives Republicans are preparing here in the swampy city of Washington. Let's start with repealing environmental and labor regulations. Ha ha, who needs those? House Republican leadership passed around a memo outlining a plan to repeal those burdensome regulations when Congress reconvenes. Just remember, when the smog rolls into the office and your back gives out as you flee, to thank Eric Cantor.

Two years ago, your Royal Executioner was diligently researching surface transportation re-authorization as an intern in a far away place, because that was to be an important issue eons ago. But something else happened, we guess. Anyways, Barry stood at the White House podium Wednesday and urged Congress to act fast, because our bridges and roads are falling apart. Investing in infrastructure will also create jobs, apparently. So that's a good thing. Right, Boehner?

Are You Not Entertained?

Fox News celebrity reporter Greta van Susteren has some very important news related to "businesswoman, exec producer" Kim Kardashian. The world is coming to an end, Greta.

When Bill Nye confuses Fox News viewers, shouldn't that be the moment producers pull the plug? Water rises. Cities without flood protection flood. What's confusing about that?

TR BillOAngryDo not mess with Bill O'Reilly, folks. Gawker has a recount of how the conservative noisemaker believed a local investigator was having an affair with his wife. Bill O called in a favor from the Nassau County Police Department to do a little snooping on one of their own. Rumor is the Fox pundit was considering a large gift for construction of a police training facility. There's been somewhat of a history between Fox and Gawker and we're sure the relationship will last for many years to come.

Biebs was involved in a wittle accident when a Honda Civic "collided" with his Ferrari. Reporters say there were no injuries and no damage to the vehicles. But, if there was no damage, did the vehicles really collide? Okay...

Only three days left! Own your very own Batman Batmobile replica. Hey, we bet Biebs is looking for a replacement right about now.

Interweb Tomfoolery

This is so wrong. Never mind feeding a duck pizza - it just had to be a pie from Pizza Hut. Do we really need to project our eating habits on these innocent animals? Save the ducks before it's too late, Mrs. Obama!

Are any of you readers a graduate of the fabled Cal State San Bernardino? If you took a course in kinesielogy, you might be shocked to learn that your former professor TR ChristineODis now considered a fugitive whose extracurricular activities included methamphetamine deals and firearm stockpiling.

We hear you Christine, but we will never fully understand you.

The airlines have been doing it all wrong. One researcher conducted an experiment that showed that the staggered boarding method is the fastest way to seat passengers. Of course, such studies exclude those who spend precious minutes standing in the aisle with oversized carry-on luggage. What's the expected response from the airline industry? "Sorry, but the (first-class) customer always comes first." Shucks.

Oh, the management of Wal-Mart. We know they just love unionization, so let's take a look at how they spot those dastardly conspirators! Why does Wal-Mart believe the wages they pay allow their employees to afford such extravagant expenses?

Twitter, faster than earthquakes. That's the new advertisement released by the San Francisco-based social media giant. Reviewers have panned the ad as boring and insensitive. What say you?

Out on the Town

What are your plans for the Labor Day weekend? Here are some suggestions:
  • Rage Against the Machine's Tom Morello performs in Alexandria tomorrow
Scorecard

We hope you are rested up and are prepared to enjoy this long Labor Day weekend, because when Congress returns next week, it'll be a real circus in town. Hopefully, no animals will be harmed in the process.

Do us a quick favor and follow us and like us!

See you next week,

RoyalExecutioner