Friday, July 22, 2011

7-22-11: Boehner Sees a Compromise, Allen West Goes Berserk, and What is a Chupacabra?

How are you holding up to the heat? Team Turner is making it to the office in spite of this disgusting swampy weather. From the South and Midwest to New England and Washington, D.C., the mercury keeps on rising.

Grab a cold drink (or two or three) and enjoy a little snark before you doze off!

The Week That Was

No deal...yet. President Obama had hoped his seal of endorsement of the debt plan proposed by the Senate's "Gang of Six" would move negotiations in the right direction. So what exactly will happen if a compromise isn't reached soon? Ezra breaks it down for us. It's not a pretty picture, unless you are a Tea Partier, of course. House Republicans and a handful of Democrats voted to pass their Cut, Cap, and Balance bill earlier in the week and Michele Bachmann was not happy about that because it did not defund 'Obamacare.' We'll get back TR FNCto her, later. The GOP-sponsored legislation is D.O.A. in the Senate. No, really. Speaker Boehner, who has been under Eric Cantor's shadow for a couple of weeks, (and is no longer a conservative?) is confident a deal is near.

Is the Murdoch Empire on its last legs? The News Corporation patriarch went before Parliament this week and SURPRISINGLY did not take responsibility for his underlings' skullduggery. For those who watched the proceedings, the shaving cream attack, by a "comedian," sealed the deal. The Wall Street Journal, also owned by Mr. Murdoch, is now reporting that the Justice Department is in the initial stages of preparing subpoenas. Now if that's not fair and balanced, we don't know what is.

Michele Bachmann is having one bad week. Despite some uplifting news in the polls, the Minnesota Tea Partier is being dogged by a tale of migraines unleashed by the Daily Caller. Hey, aren't they supposed to the exception to the lamestream media? Ms. Bachmann says she could still serve as Commander and Chief, despite her medical condition. Some insiders are convinced the DC story was placed by T-Paw's handlers, who, uh, needed to run interference on a story about their boss's meteoric rise. Finally, Michele's husband, Marcus, or rather his clinic, became the latest glitter-bomb victim.

TR AllenWestEyes

Allen West -- best known for trying to hire an extremist as his chief of staff, saying American men are being neutered and having a sticker fetish -- is standing by his comments made earlier in a bitter e-mail to House leaders eviscerating fellow Floridian and DNC Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz. You may not have been aware then, Mr. West, but you've just cut the best campaign ad against yourself, for Alan Grayson.

European leaders agreed to a $145 billion package to prop up failing banks in Greece and its closest neighbors. $70 billion will be set aside to Greece over three years. Unemployment has reached a staggering 16% in the country.

Norwegian authorities are investigating twin bombings that struck a government building that houses the Prime Minister's office. One explosion was said to have been caused by a massive car bomb. Several extremist groups are being looked at as possible perpetrators.

Are You Not Entertained?

We noted last week that a new blockbuster film celebrating the Snowbilly Grifter faired poorly in reliably conservative Orange County, Ca. Well, things still haven't turned around for Sarah's silver screen debut. The Undefeated has earned a whopping 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. This is no Ayn Rand sequel.

Hey, Star Wars fans! Have a look at some never-before-seen deleted scenes from the classics. No word on whether these treasures will make TR snookiitalyit into the upcoming 3D re-releases. They're being released on Blu-Ray. That's so 2006.

Italy is thanking the fresh creativity of the United States of America today. Click here to see what's in store for Snooki.

Beavis and Butt-head are returning after more than a decade in exile.

Juan Williams, who was fired by NPR because BECAUSE HE DOES NOT LIKE SITTING NEXT TO MUSLIMS on the plane, says his former employer is the official voice of white people, among others. Yes, this is coming from the Juan Williams, of Fox News.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Los Angeles' feared Carmageddon never materialized. Three Los Angeles residents shared an early-morning brunch on the '405 to celebrate a job well done.

A Texas teenager honestly believes he's killed a chupacabra. What is a chupacabra you ask? We don't know either, but let's give him the benefit of the doubt.

Some under-the-radar news: Former Presidential candidate John Kerry has evolved on same-sex marriage. A few years too late, there. Here are some snarky signs to celebrate the news. Now, as for you, Barry...TRmonkey

Do you enjoy our brief crime report every week? Let us know. This week's edition is about an angry New Hampshire man, who drove his alleged lemon of a van into the dealership whose owner refused a return. The incident caused $20,000 in damages.

We're going to side with the husband on this one: Steve Tibbs complains that his wife gives her five pet monkeys more kisses and attention than he receives.

So, you're rich beyond your dreams and can't decide what to spend some of that wealth on? May we suggest marking your territory as one Abu Dhabi sheikh has done.

Out on the Town

We were questioning if we wanted to include a going-out guide in today's Report. It will be plenty hot outside this weekend and we're certain many of you will be content at home with the AC cranked up. Remember to bring plenty of sun screen and water if you do venture outside.
Shameless Self-Promotion

Turner Strategies (@TurnrStrategies) held its first ever “Tweeting the #Crisis” training this past Thursday night. President Suzanne Turner discussed the changing role of media and how and why Twitter has become such a crucial tool for receiving breaking news. Project Manager Abigail Collazo then walked participants through the Twitter 101: best practices, key strategies for increasing followers and gaining influence, and the Ins and Outs of using Twitter effectively and well. Participants included senior advisors to the Global Emergency Group, Refugees International, and The XII Project. Sadly, no one from the White House or Speaker Boehner's office attended. How will they know how to tweet the #DebtCrisis?

Scorecard

We are just melting out here, folks! Democrats and Republicans may be on the verge of a debt deal, but you know how these things go. Perhaps the persisting heat-wave will drive the politicians to a compromise and out of town. We'll see.

P.S.: While you're dreaming of two Februaries ago and Snow-maggedon, take a few seconds to follow and like us!

RoyalExecutioner

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