Friday, July 29, 2011

7-29-11: Hobbits Invade Washington, a Furry Tale, and Capitalism Strikes S.C.

The clock is ticking on a debt deal before next week's fabled deadline. John Boehner has his hands full with a bunch of Tea Party Republicans who refuse to get their a**es in line. So long, Mr. Boehner? While this is playing out in Washington, some kids (and their parents) have not a worry in the world.

Haha. Believe it. Now, away we go!

The Week That Was

USA! USA! USA! The rest of the world is watching America as the hobbits replace our Congress-people, who have angered our favorite Maverick as a default now appears more likely. What has this country come to? Speaker Boehner is losing patience with his caucus and had to cancel an evening vote to raise the debt ceiling. Barry addressed the nation and told Congress to get back to that bipartisanship thing. Keep on TR hobbitsdreaming, Mr. President. Harry Reid says his united Democratic colleagues will vote down Boehner's plan in its current form and House Republicans are preparing to tack on a balanced budget amendment. Yes, this move will absolutely bring Senate Democrats to the table. Compare the two leaders' plans here. Meanwhile, Nancy Pelosi is telling seniors that under the Boehner bill, they can kiss their Medicare goodbye. All of this comes as new numbers show the U.S. gross domestic product grew at an anemic 1.3% in the second quarter.

While we're on the subject of our reverent politicians, let's talk about the two House members that made the news this week. Capitol Hill's famed furry celebrity, Oregon Rep. David Wu, is headed out the door, sans costume, after revelations came to light about an allegedly unwanted sexual encounter with a young California woman. His resignation will be effective the moment the debt-ceiling crisis is resolved, so that will be a deadline Congress won't want to miss! Meanwhile, Republicans have another headache to deal with other than debt negotiations. Tea Party freshman Joe Walsh is accused of being a dead-beat dad. He apparently loaned a cool $35,000 of his own money toward his campaign while falling behind on child support payments. Ladies and gentleman, we present to you the Congress of the United States.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry hasn't declared yet but if he does jump in, as predicted, he'll be serious competition for Mitt Romney. Michele Bachmann, whose husband is still at the center of an ex-gay "proud to be a small business" maelstrom says that topic is off limits. Don't go there, girlfriend...

Americans are mourning with our Norwegian friends one week after a TR norwayflagdisturbed, hate-filled man went on a killing spree that officials say claimed at least 76 lives. Our hearts go out to the families and friends of the victims.

U.S. counter-terrorism officials at the Central Intelligence Agency and elsewhere are claiming that bin Laden's death and a relentless campaign of Predator drone strikes has pushed Al-Qaeda to the brink of collapse. Analysts warn the terror threat remains from offshoot organizations based in other countries such as Yemen. Well, at least that's some semi-encouraging news we can report. Oh, our bad, apparently some of your tax dollars are ending up in the hands of the Taliban. Whoops.

Are You Not Entertained?

The hosts of Fox and Friends, who are not exactly known for their intellectual prowess, went after their most feared enemy - a wittle penguin. Yeah, whatever, Kilmaede, because apparently two Kardashian sisters were too important to be missed.

Not to be outdone, Jon Scott invited Bill Nye the Science GTR trebekuy to talk about newly discovered volcanism on the moon and climate change. You know where this is going...

Alex Trebek put himself in jeopardy, chasing down a burglar who had broken into his hotel room at the San Francisco Marriott. Lucinda Moyers, the accused burglar, has a long rap sheet and claims she "was not there."

Battleship, that game some of us played, what, back in the 1990s is coming to the silver screen. Aliens and battleships. Kinda cheesy, huh? Wait, what?

Actor Ben Affleck is suggesting that the next time House Republicans want compare themselves to fictional characters they chose another film other than The Town. Violence ain't the answer.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Congratulations, Washington D.C. denizens! While technically not a state, (we're still working on that), 29.69% of Washingtonians said that they went binge drinking in the past month. That statistic places us at a comfortable #3, behind North and South Dakota. Let's celebrate tonight!

One of these days we'll get out to the Ohio State Fair and witness the grandeur of the butter sculptures. Three people spent 475 hours TR brokeunclesamsculpting cows to a replica of the space shuttle cockpit and an astronaut.

Have you tried the Mark Malkoff Challenge? We had no idea Apple employees had such restraint and courtesy. Try this when you get your next gadget. We dare you. Hey, at least they have more moolah than Uncle Sam.

The union between the Tea Party and capitalism is like love at first sight. Sadly, one South Carolina teabagger took his vows too far with an ingenious plan to sell pirated software. This is your weekly edition of crime in America.

How's the Almighty doing in your neck of the woods? According to Public Policy Polling, not bad at all. 52% of Americans say God is doing a good job - well ahead of Congress and a clip ahead of the President.

Way to ruin a professional concert photographer's photo-shoot, dude.

Out on the Town

It's Friday! Here's some of what's going on around town this weekend:
  • Spend tonight out on a (Ghost) tour of Old Town Alexandria
  • Celebrate D.C.'s victory on the booze list at 1331
Local bands perform at the Black Cat

Shameless Self-Promotion

Yesterday, Turner Project Manager Abigail Collazo led a public speaking training for students at AIDemocracy, a nonprofit organization dedicated to cultivating and educating the next generation of leaders. These future leaders learned how speaking to children is just like speaking to your very own Congressman, among other things.

Scorecard

The dysfunction. The backstabbing. The compromising...? Such is life on Capitol Hill. We're getting closer to a deal, fellow Americans. Hopefully. Obama's managed to pull the rabbit out of the hat to avert previous crises, but let's just say we're a little worried now.

Remember - there's still enough time before the default to follow and like us!

See you next week, America...

RoyalExecutioner

Friday, July 22, 2011

7-22-11: Boehner Sees a Compromise, Allen West Goes Berserk, and What is a Chupacabra?

How are you holding up to the heat? Team Turner is making it to the office in spite of this disgusting swampy weather. From the South and Midwest to New England and Washington, D.C., the mercury keeps on rising.

Grab a cold drink (or two or three) and enjoy a little snark before you doze off!

The Week That Was

No deal...yet. President Obama had hoped his seal of endorsement of the debt plan proposed by the Senate's "Gang of Six" would move negotiations in the right direction. So what exactly will happen if a compromise isn't reached soon? Ezra breaks it down for us. It's not a pretty picture, unless you are a Tea Partier, of course. House Republicans and a handful of Democrats voted to pass their Cut, Cap, and Balance bill earlier in the week and Michele Bachmann was not happy about that because it did not defund 'Obamacare.' We'll get back TR FNCto her, later. The GOP-sponsored legislation is D.O.A. in the Senate. No, really. Speaker Boehner, who has been under Eric Cantor's shadow for a couple of weeks, (and is no longer a conservative?) is confident a deal is near.

Is the Murdoch Empire on its last legs? The News Corporation patriarch went before Parliament this week and SURPRISINGLY did not take responsibility for his underlings' skullduggery. For those who watched the proceedings, the shaving cream attack, by a "comedian," sealed the deal. The Wall Street Journal, also owned by Mr. Murdoch, is now reporting that the Justice Department is in the initial stages of preparing subpoenas. Now if that's not fair and balanced, we don't know what is.

Michele Bachmann is having one bad week. Despite some uplifting news in the polls, the Minnesota Tea Partier is being dogged by a tale of migraines unleashed by the Daily Caller. Hey, aren't they supposed to the exception to the lamestream media? Ms. Bachmann says she could still serve as Commander and Chief, despite her medical condition. Some insiders are convinced the DC story was placed by T-Paw's handlers, who, uh, needed to run interference on a story about their boss's meteoric rise. Finally, Michele's husband, Marcus, or rather his clinic, became the latest glitter-bomb victim.

TR AllenWestEyes

Allen West -- best known for trying to hire an extremist as his chief of staff, saying American men are being neutered and having a sticker fetish -- is standing by his comments made earlier in a bitter e-mail to House leaders eviscerating fellow Floridian and DNC Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz. You may not have been aware then, Mr. West, but you've just cut the best campaign ad against yourself, for Alan Grayson.

European leaders agreed to a $145 billion package to prop up failing banks in Greece and its closest neighbors. $70 billion will be set aside to Greece over three years. Unemployment has reached a staggering 16% in the country.

Norwegian authorities are investigating twin bombings that struck a government building that houses the Prime Minister's office. One explosion was said to have been caused by a massive car bomb. Several extremist groups are being looked at as possible perpetrators.

Are You Not Entertained?

We noted last week that a new blockbuster film celebrating the Snowbilly Grifter faired poorly in reliably conservative Orange County, Ca. Well, things still haven't turned around for Sarah's silver screen debut. The Undefeated has earned a whopping 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. This is no Ayn Rand sequel.

Hey, Star Wars fans! Have a look at some never-before-seen deleted scenes from the classics. No word on whether these treasures will make TR snookiitalyit into the upcoming 3D re-releases. They're being released on Blu-Ray. That's so 2006.

Italy is thanking the fresh creativity of the United States of America today. Click here to see what's in store for Snooki.

Beavis and Butt-head are returning after more than a decade in exile.

Juan Williams, who was fired by NPR because BECAUSE HE DOES NOT LIKE SITTING NEXT TO MUSLIMS on the plane, says his former employer is the official voice of white people, among others. Yes, this is coming from the Juan Williams, of Fox News.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Los Angeles' feared Carmageddon never materialized. Three Los Angeles residents shared an early-morning brunch on the '405 to celebrate a job well done.

A Texas teenager honestly believes he's killed a chupacabra. What is a chupacabra you ask? We don't know either, but let's give him the benefit of the doubt.

Some under-the-radar news: Former Presidential candidate John Kerry has evolved on same-sex marriage. A few years too late, there. Here are some snarky signs to celebrate the news. Now, as for you, Barry...TRmonkey

Do you enjoy our brief crime report every week? Let us know. This week's edition is about an angry New Hampshire man, who drove his alleged lemon of a van into the dealership whose owner refused a return. The incident caused $20,000 in damages.

We're going to side with the husband on this one: Steve Tibbs complains that his wife gives her five pet monkeys more kisses and attention than he receives.

So, you're rich beyond your dreams and can't decide what to spend some of that wealth on? May we suggest marking your territory as one Abu Dhabi sheikh has done.

Out on the Town

We were questioning if we wanted to include a going-out guide in today's Report. It will be plenty hot outside this weekend and we're certain many of you will be content at home with the AC cranked up. Remember to bring plenty of sun screen and water if you do venture outside.
Shameless Self-Promotion

Turner Strategies (@TurnrStrategies) held its first ever “Tweeting the #Crisis” training this past Thursday night. President Suzanne Turner discussed the changing role of media and how and why Twitter has become such a crucial tool for receiving breaking news. Project Manager Abigail Collazo then walked participants through the Twitter 101: best practices, key strategies for increasing followers and gaining influence, and the Ins and Outs of using Twitter effectively and well. Participants included senior advisors to the Global Emergency Group, Refugees International, and The XII Project. Sadly, no one from the White House or Speaker Boehner's office attended. How will they know how to tweet the #DebtCrisis?

Scorecard

We are just melting out here, folks! Democrats and Republicans may be on the verge of a debt deal, but you know how these things go. Perhaps the persisting heat-wave will drive the politicians to a compromise and out of town. We'll see.

P.S.: While you're dreaming of two Februaries ago and Snow-maggedon, take a few seconds to follow and like us!

RoyalExecutioner

Friday, July 15, 2011

7-15-11: 1,700 Calories of Pure Bliss, Downgradin' the Debt, and Pasta Strainers are Now Legal

Breaking news! Our First Lady Michelle Obama had a burger and this earth-shattering event has The Washington Post in a tizzy (and Drudge, too, apparently). So what if Michelle indulges in a some true American cuisine. Let's be honest with ourselves. How many of you have broken down to consume your own calorie bomb?

It's going to be a scorcher in Washington in the coming days, so for now, cool off and enjoy some snark.

The Week That Was

Drama: President Obama wants to continue debt negotiations at Camp David this weekend but Mr. Boehner and Ms. Pelosi aren't taking the coffee bait. Depending on who your sources are, either the President left the latest round of talks in a huff or he was extremely gracious to Republican leadership. He also held his second press conference on the debt talks today and made it clear to Congress that the deal must include some tax increases. Obama's prepared to gamble his re-election hopes on finding a solution. Mitch McConnell says he's willing to help out TR ericcantorin that department. You're such a party-pooper, Mitch. Meanwhile, his colleague, Eric Cantor suggested some great ideas to fix our problems. Finally, Moody's and Standard & Poor's have warned lawmakers that they may downgrade the United States' debt rating if an agreement isn't reached by mid-August.

Michele Bachmann is soaring and if that doesn't convince you how insane parts of this country are, we don't know what will. According to a few polls here and there, the Tea Party darling has pulled ahead of Mitt Romney in Iowa. Don't worry, Mittens, you're in fine shape (for now) in New Hampshire, and the outrage over this marriage/slavery pledge document may still work in your favor. In other campaign news, the Obama fundraising machine pulled in a whopping $86 million in the second quarter, surpassing the previous record set by Dubya in 2004. We almost forgot: Ron Paul will not seek re-election to the House and will focus all of his energy to the presidential campaign. Cheers! Now we will only have one crazy Paul on the Hill.

Minnesotans are feeling the squeeze two weeks into their state's government shutdown. The latest casualty: booze. Thousands of Minnesota establishments scrambled to renew their liquor purchasing cards, but many did not make the deadline. We wouldn't have been surprised to hear stories of Homer Simpson beer baron copycats. Gov. Mark Dayton and Republican legislators have come to an agreement that should end the shutdown next week.

Oh, to be Rupert Murdoch right about now. Yes, he has the TR rupertmoney, but his flagship News Corporation is now facing a preliminary inquiry by U.S. authorities over allegations that employees, among other things, hacked phone records of 9/11 victims. Murdoch is already spinning and he had one of his assistants type out some form letter apology. His lackeys over at America's #1 patriotic echo chamber agree to keep their mouths shut, but you won't hear that live!

The United States is holding back $800 million in military aid to Pakistan over lingering questions about its intelligence service's ties to Taliban insurgents. The two sides are still talking, but U.S. officials won't agree to Pakistan's demand to cease drone strikes. Money talks.

At least 17 people are dead and more than 100 wounded after three bombs tore through Mumbai during rush hour. Investigators have yet to identify the perpetrators and no one has come forward to claim responsibility.

Are You Not Entertained?

Orange County, the reliably conservative California enclave, disappointed all of us by displaying outright contempt for Sister Sarah. A few giggles and then emptiness greeted one Atlantic reporter at the premier of The Undefeated. She's not raking in the money these days.

Harry Potter-mania is sweeping this great nation. Fans scooped up TR Harrypottertickets a week before the final Potter movie's release. Scott Brown and Patrick Leahy are fans, too. Maybe they just went for the cameras.

Lady Gaga is no longer the reigning queen of Facebook. Rihanna is the most-followed woman on the social networking site, surpassing 40.5 million fans. It's not all bad news for the Little Monster. She's still number one on Twitter.

Kumar has left the building. Apparently, the extravagant $41,000 White House salary wasn't enough to prevent Kal Penn from jumping back to Hollywood a second time. The actor has signed on to appear on a CBS sitcom.

Arnold is back to play a sheriff who battles a drug kingpin. Yawn!

Interweb Tomfoolery

After a big meal, this bear didn't make out of the water for a little snore. How cute.
TR pasta
This week's awful and embarrassing Photoshop fail is brought to you by Syrian television.

Now you too can wear a pasta strainer to the DMV.

Josh Mandel is a Ohio politician who hasn't officially declared his candidacy to take on Senator Sherrod Brown. He's also got quite a knack for supporting the other side. How inconvenient.

Here is your dumb American criminal of the week.

Out on the Town

Complain all you want about Metro and the influx of tourists over the weekend, but believe us, you won't suffer as much as the poor people of Los Angeles will.

Anyways, here are a some suggestions for your weekend plans:
  • Chip in a little to help the good people of the Tune Inn
Scorecard

Drama in Washington. Isn't that what we all live for to get us through the slow summer months? Let us hope that Barry dusts off his 2008 campaign suit and tie and gets down to business. That's hope and change we can hope for.

See you next week,

P.S.: Don't forget to follow and like us!

RoyalExecutioner

Friday, July 8, 2011

7-8-11: Barry's Tweeting, Farewell, Atlantis, and Boozing at the BK

The weekend is upon us! Well, not for poor White House and Hill staff. You have our sympathies, but hopefully y'all can work out a deal soon. In any event, 500 kittens died this week. It COULD have something to do with the fact that you haven’t liked us on Facebook yet. Or started following us on Twitter so you can get snark the other 6 days a week as well. Or it could be a totally non-related reason. But do you really want to take that chance? Take a moment. Save a Kitten. Like us on Facebook, and follow us on Twitter. (We will now return to regular programming).

The Week That Was

Barry's getting back to work after the July 4th weekend, and boy howdy, Democrats are pissed. By what, you ask? The President, who is seeking $4 trillion in cuts, was involved in some backroom discussions with Republican leadership and apparently made offers to make significant cuts to Medicare and Social Security. You know, only a few weeks back, Hill Democrats were on the offensive tying entitlement program cuts to Republicans. And, it was working. Come on Barry, let's try working as a team now! We're looking forward to more "constructive" discussion on Sunday.

Tweet, tweet, tweet! Did you #AskObama what he had for lunch? Of course not. There are more important issues on his plate. Those unpredictable Republican curmudgeons took some time off from work and did a little tweeting of their own. At least the Speaker had his question answered. Pundits say the Twitter town hall format is a win-win for the White House. Do you agree? Oh, and if you haven't already, check out a Turner tweet that was picked up by The Los Angeles Times. We don’t know about you, but we never would have known that #AskObama (or any other topic for that matter) was trending on Twitter if it weren’t for CNN.

Economic forecasters had predicted an additional 125,000 jobs for the month of June. Only 18,000 jobs were added, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Youch. Not much good news for anyone in Washington, unless you are Michele Bachmann.

The numbers are out for the latest fundraising quarter and the Republican field is looking a bit weak, to say the least. Mittens leads the pack with a $18 million haul, followed closely behind by...a pro-Mitt Romney PAC! Congratulations, Mittens, but you've got a ways to go to match the Obama fundraising machine. T-Paw brought in $4.2 million, followed by Jon Huntsman at $4 million. Newt, who is still running for some reason, brought in $2 million, but he's facing a mountain of debt. Michele Bachmann is waiting for the July 15 deadline to release her numbers, but hey, she's got a new ad out in Iowa. She's looking at you this time.

Tuesday was the first day same-sex couples in New York could apply for marriage licenses. For those applying online, couples were limited to just a bride and groom. Whoops. Well, we're still happy for y'all, anyways. You get that, California?

Believe it folks - today marks the the last flight of NASA's shuttle program. Atlantis lifted off just before noon and is scheduled to return July 20. The shuttle launch took place in April 1981. Perhaps the next generation of shuttle should include passenger seats for politicians fighting over the debt ceiling!

News of the World is shutting down as an on-going scandal involving phone hacking embroils the United Kingdom. Earlier this week, we learned that the tabloid paper had been involved in hacking the phone of a murder victim. Classy. David Cameron's pissed off and wants a full investigation.

Are You Not Entertained?

So long, Eliot. We barely knew you. CNN has pulled the plug on his recently relaunched show (remember Kathleen Parker?). We think he could've attracted more viewers by stealing John King's magic wall.

Arrested Development fans rejoice! Six years after the Bluth family was kicked off the air, writers, actors and everyone between are headed for the silver screen.

Snooki is drunk. Blame MTV for making her drunk. Okay...

Hey, T-Paw made the news this week. Despite his political leanings, he's a fan of Lady Gaga. Maybe the latter can get him to change his view on DADT, mmm? Well, it doesn't matter. Mr. Pawlenty won't be arriving at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue anytime soon.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Since when did you have to bring an ID with you to the local Burger King or Sonic? Fast food chains are getting into the alcohol business in this challenging economy. Hey, we're happy to spread the good news, but please don't visit the pet store after a burger and beer.

Entenmann's uses the Twitter to promote its sweet products. Unfortunately, there was a major trial in Orlando this week, and uh, the two just didn't jive.

Like his predecessor, President Obama has also heard about the rumors on the internets.

I'm sorry, I had to take the call. A tennis star's phone rang in the middle of a tennis match. Was the call for a job offer?

Are you already on Facebook? The answer's probably yes, but why not try out Google+, Google's attempt to take on the social networking behemoth. Here's yet another platform where you can have your personal information sold to the highest bidder!

Out on the Town

Staying in town over the weekend? Here are a few suggestions to keep you busy and entertained:
  • Stay cool at the Union Pub, but be prepared for some conservative competition
Scorecard

Everyone's back in town and it looks like the Democrats are on a collision course over Medicare, Social Security and debt talks. Look out for more drama (we'd so pay to observe the meeting between Obama and Nancy) as negotiations and shouting matches continue. You know, this'll make a good book.

Don't forget to follow and like us!

See you all next week,

RoyalExecutioner