Friday, June 24, 2011

6-24-11: Lonely Joe Biden, Letting the Oil Flow, and Mommy, Pick up the Phone!

Hey, DCers: Have you wondered why that escalator is out of service on a bi-monthly basis, despite a decade-long plan to "upgrade and improve" the Metro system? Look no further than your next station stop, because Metro is launching a new, spiffy PR campaign. That oughta do the trick! If you're a regular rider, we recommend skipping for the foreseeable future, just to lower your blood pressure. It's not all bad news, though. Tourists and other out-of-towners will be ecstatic to know that billions will be invested to improve the quality of their ride!

Shall we continue?

Forecast

Grampa Joe is sadly the last one at the table. Apparently, both Eric Cantor and Jon Kyl were sick of the whole bipartisan thing. There's no love when raising taxes is on the table. Harry Reid says negotiations will continue - between the President, Speaker Boehner, and himself. TR cantorkylEric and Jon are now crying in a corner somewhere. Cooler heads will prevail. We see a compromise in the works.

What are the Tea Party folk to do about Mitt Romney? Poor Alaska drape-dresser Joe Miller joined some random anti-Romney organization a while back, but it doesn't look like it's picking up steam. Mittens has the infrastructure and cash to run a national campaign, while the Tea Party has...FreedomWorks? A great astro-turfing campaign is heading our way soon.

Have heart, Texans! Your Governor, God-willing, will be entering the Presidential campaign smorgasbord in just days. Don't worry about the nasty rumors or secessionist fervor that could derail his anointment. Yeehaw, America!

The Week That Was

In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court ruled that the plaintiffs in Dukes v. Wal-Mart Stores, Inc., the largest sex-discrimination lawsuit in history, could not move forward as a nationwide class. Is this the end for large class-action suits? Hopefully not, but the fight will go on for the women of Wal-Mart. Big Business wins yet again in America.

They're coming home, finally. President Obama plans on withdrawing TR troopsafghanistan10,000 troops from Afghanistan by the end of this year and an additional 23,000 by next summer. Not quite Mission Accomplished, but we're getting there.

The Obama Administration will release 30 million barrels of crude oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve, in conjunction with allies, to ward off price instability from unrest in the Middle East. Americans use about 18 million barrels per day. Mmm...maybe we should work on reducing that statistic before anything else. Oil company stocks slid in response to Barry's Big Government overreach. Those poor barons and their billions.

The Left is still firmly behind Obama's 2012 re-election, but that doesn't mean we won't hear some grumbling now and then. This week, Al Gore went after the President on climate change. Barry was up in New York for some fundraisers, just as the state legislature is on the verge (hopefully?) of legalizing same-sex marriage. According to many LGBT activists, this President is taking too long to evolve on the issue.

Leon Panetta will be settling into his suite of Pentagon offices shortly. The soon-to-be former CIA chief was confirmed unanimously. Gen. David Petraeus is expected to succeed Panetta at CIA. T-Paw has other out-of-this-world ideas, as always.

Speaking of Big Government, the FDA unveiled new cigarette labels that will be residing on a box near you (if you smoke, that is). Pretty graphic, TR fdalabelshuh. We're going out on a limb here, but we think our government is trying to tell us that smoking is BAD, very BAD for your health.

The House voted to deny authorization for continued U.S. military operations in Libya. The vote has no immediate effect and the legislation is likely to fail in the Senate.

Hold your horses, peeps. Comedian Sister Sarah did not quit her nationwide bus tour like she famously quit her real job. She had jury duty. However, Palin did cancel her planned trip to Sudan, so celebrity blogger Greta Van Susteren had to follow suit. Oh, and before we forget, here is an informative, if not hilarious look at Michele Bachmann's career thus far.

Are You Not Entertained

Biebs has had a rough few days. He could've shown a wittle bit more emotion on Letterman. Later, he and some undercover cop were involved in a confusing melee outside a Macy's. Poor kiddo.

Master Chef producers almost pulled off the impossible. Thousands upon thousands of people attended an auditioning call - or not.
TR teapartycostumes
Some great entertainment news out of the Granite State: Teabaggers are set to debut their interpretation of the Founding Fathers' intentions. The title: A Revisionist's History of America. Set your DVRs to hilarity!

Snooki and The Situation might be swimming in dough, but they won't be returning to America's greatest past-time. A Jersey Shore insider says their excessive salaries are one reason the cast won't be returning for a sixth year.

Hundreds of 'yogis' struck a pose in New York's Times Square. Were you there?

Interweb Tomfoolery

Ha ha. Republicans can be so devious AND funny, sometimes. Keep on Tweeting, folks.

Jobs are no laughing matter. We're glad one staffer caught this little error before an Obama TR obamaphonefundraiser. Then again, we expect the audience and Barry, himself, to know better.

Mommy, when Barry calls, you'd better pick up.

A team of paleontologists want to dig up the corpse of Shakespeare to conduct research to answer an important question: Was the playwright a pothead?

Well, there you have it - McDonald's is a five-star restaurant. Nothing wrong with that.

Out on the Town

Prepare your gut for the July 4th weekend at the Safeway Barbeque Battle down on Pennsylvania Avenue. We fear Michelle Obama's wrath at this food outing

Spend the first weekend of summer at the Georgetown Waterfront Summer Celebration.

The D.C. Caribbean Carnival is this Saturday. Venture to NW DC for aTR cupcake parade, festival, food and a live band.

For a more casual dining experience, join up with fellow foodies for the DuPont Circle Food Tour. The ticket is a little steep, but you'll be able to enjoy American style cuisine with inspiration drawn from around the world.

Sail the Potomac while eating your favorite Georgetown Cupcakes on a calm Sunday afternoon. Check out the Saturday Night Margarita Cruise, too.

Stay cool Saturday night by attending a happy hour pool party at the Donovan House Hotel.

Scorecard

Republicans are truly looking out for the American people. We have the likes of Eric Cantor and Jon Kyl, who are placing everything on the line to enrich the wealthiest of your fellow citizens. Cantor may have been planning his PR move for weeks, but we honestly couldn't be happier for him.

All the best,

RoyalExecutioner

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I demand Abagail be made a member of the Court of Snark!