Friday, June 24, 2011

6-24-11: Lonely Joe Biden, Letting the Oil Flow, and Mommy, Pick up the Phone!

Hey, DCers: Have you wondered why that escalator is out of service on a bi-monthly basis, despite a decade-long plan to "upgrade and improve" the Metro system? Look no further than your next station stop, because Metro is launching a new, spiffy PR campaign. That oughta do the trick! If you're a regular rider, we recommend skipping for the foreseeable future, just to lower your blood pressure. It's not all bad news, though. Tourists and other out-of-towners will be ecstatic to know that billions will be invested to improve the quality of their ride!

Shall we continue?

Forecast

Grampa Joe is sadly the last one at the table. Apparently, both Eric Cantor and Jon Kyl were sick of the whole bipartisan thing. There's no love when raising taxes is on the table. Harry Reid says negotiations will continue - between the President, Speaker Boehner, and himself. TR cantorkylEric and Jon are now crying in a corner somewhere. Cooler heads will prevail. We see a compromise in the works.

What are the Tea Party folk to do about Mitt Romney? Poor Alaska drape-dresser Joe Miller joined some random anti-Romney organization a while back, but it doesn't look like it's picking up steam. Mittens has the infrastructure and cash to run a national campaign, while the Tea Party has...FreedomWorks? A great astro-turfing campaign is heading our way soon.

Have heart, Texans! Your Governor, God-willing, will be entering the Presidential campaign smorgasbord in just days. Don't worry about the nasty rumors or secessionist fervor that could derail his anointment. Yeehaw, America!

The Week That Was

In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court ruled that the plaintiffs in Dukes v. Wal-Mart Stores, Inc., the largest sex-discrimination lawsuit in history, could not move forward as a nationwide class. Is this the end for large class-action suits? Hopefully not, but the fight will go on for the women of Wal-Mart. Big Business wins yet again in America.

They're coming home, finally. President Obama plans on withdrawing TR troopsafghanistan10,000 troops from Afghanistan by the end of this year and an additional 23,000 by next summer. Not quite Mission Accomplished, but we're getting there.

The Obama Administration will release 30 million barrels of crude oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve, in conjunction with allies, to ward off price instability from unrest in the Middle East. Americans use about 18 million barrels per day. Mmm...maybe we should work on reducing that statistic before anything else. Oil company stocks slid in response to Barry's Big Government overreach. Those poor barons and their billions.

The Left is still firmly behind Obama's 2012 re-election, but that doesn't mean we won't hear some grumbling now and then. This week, Al Gore went after the President on climate change. Barry was up in New York for some fundraisers, just as the state legislature is on the verge (hopefully?) of legalizing same-sex marriage. According to many LGBT activists, this President is taking too long to evolve on the issue.

Leon Panetta will be settling into his suite of Pentagon offices shortly. The soon-to-be former CIA chief was confirmed unanimously. Gen. David Petraeus is expected to succeed Panetta at CIA. T-Paw has other out-of-this-world ideas, as always.

Speaking of Big Government, the FDA unveiled new cigarette labels that will be residing on a box near you (if you smoke, that is). Pretty graphic, TR fdalabelshuh. We're going out on a limb here, but we think our government is trying to tell us that smoking is BAD, very BAD for your health.

The House voted to deny authorization for continued U.S. military operations in Libya. The vote has no immediate effect and the legislation is likely to fail in the Senate.

Hold your horses, peeps. Comedian Sister Sarah did not quit her nationwide bus tour like she famously quit her real job. She had jury duty. However, Palin did cancel her planned trip to Sudan, so celebrity blogger Greta Van Susteren had to follow suit. Oh, and before we forget, here is an informative, if not hilarious look at Michele Bachmann's career thus far.

Are You Not Entertained

Biebs has had a rough few days. He could've shown a wittle bit more emotion on Letterman. Later, he and some undercover cop were involved in a confusing melee outside a Macy's. Poor kiddo.

Master Chef producers almost pulled off the impossible. Thousands upon thousands of people attended an auditioning call - or not.
TR teapartycostumes
Some great entertainment news out of the Granite State: Teabaggers are set to debut their interpretation of the Founding Fathers' intentions. The title: A Revisionist's History of America. Set your DVRs to hilarity!

Snooki and The Situation might be swimming in dough, but they won't be returning to America's greatest past-time. A Jersey Shore insider says their excessive salaries are one reason the cast won't be returning for a sixth year.

Hundreds of 'yogis' struck a pose in New York's Times Square. Were you there?

Interweb Tomfoolery

Ha ha. Republicans can be so devious AND funny, sometimes. Keep on Tweeting, folks.

Jobs are no laughing matter. We're glad one staffer caught this little error before an Obama TR obamaphonefundraiser. Then again, we expect the audience and Barry, himself, to know better.

Mommy, when Barry calls, you'd better pick up.

A team of paleontologists want to dig up the corpse of Shakespeare to conduct research to answer an important question: Was the playwright a pothead?

Well, there you have it - McDonald's is a five-star restaurant. Nothing wrong with that.

Out on the Town

Prepare your gut for the July 4th weekend at the Safeway Barbeque Battle down on Pennsylvania Avenue. We fear Michelle Obama's wrath at this food outing

Spend the first weekend of summer at the Georgetown Waterfront Summer Celebration.

The D.C. Caribbean Carnival is this Saturday. Venture to NW DC for aTR cupcake parade, festival, food and a live band.

For a more casual dining experience, join up with fellow foodies for the DuPont Circle Food Tour. The ticket is a little steep, but you'll be able to enjoy American style cuisine with inspiration drawn from around the world.

Sail the Potomac while eating your favorite Georgetown Cupcakes on a calm Sunday afternoon. Check out the Saturday Night Margarita Cruise, too.

Stay cool Saturday night by attending a happy hour pool party at the Donovan House Hotel.

Scorecard

Republicans are truly looking out for the American people. We have the likes of Eric Cantor and Jon Kyl, who are placing everything on the line to enrich the wealthiest of your fellow citizens. Cantor may have been planning his PR move for weeks, but we honestly couldn't be happier for him.

All the best,

RoyalExecutioner

Friday, June 17, 2011

6-17-11: Dennis Sues Obama, Mitt's Unemployed, and Would You Please Pass the Spam

Summer is literally around the corner, so you'd best be prepared for long stretches of that oppressive, boiling heat. We Turner Central peeps are begrudgingly taking it in stride, but we're certain Democrats would rather suffer in the warm temps than endure another scandal from their ranks.

Anyways, here's this week's roundup!

Forecast

Michele Bachmann is in it to win! The Tea Party darling announced her BIG announcement during the GOP debate earlier in the week. No longer will the media have to look to Sarah Palin for absurd and hilarious TR bachmann eyesquotes. We have to give Michele props, though, for performing (somewhat) below the insanity threshold on Monday. Now, about those farm subsidies...

A bipartisan cadre of lawmakers led by Dennis Kucinich (of course) has sued the Obama Administration. The lawsuit challenges the President's use of military force in Libya - without authorization from Congress - while using international organizations, such as the UN and NATO, as cover. We are literally going to be up at night fretting over how far this case will go.

Golfing and winning. That's Barry's game-plan to maybe get those budget talks back on track with Mr. Boehner. The pair tee-off this weekend at Camp David. Fingers crossed. Meanwhile, Grandpa Joe and Senate Republicans continue with the more traditional route of bipartisan budget meetings. Mitch McConnell's compromise plan: Cut spending and absolutely NO new taxes. Looks like Mitch ended up walking along that bridge to nowhere that Sarah didn't want

The Week That Was

So, did anyone tune in to the ground-breaking CNN debate on Monday? We were hoping for some real substance from the GOP candidates, but the debate's format (30 second responses) and John King's grunting bothered EVERYONE. Sadly, we can't count on CNN anymore to bring us TR GOPdebatethe news. Mitt Romney stood there, slick and untouchable, as T-Paw pitifully danced around his own 'ObamneyCare' creation. No matter - our Mittens made a fool of himself on what was supposed to be a typical campaign stop. He's just like many unemployed Americans: Without a job, but sitting on hundreds of millions. Oh, and his Afghanistan policy gaffe is sure to backfire with the rabid base.

Anthony Weiner resigned from Congress, after a nearly three-week freak-show of lewd photos, denials and admissions. House Democrats are airing a sigh of a relief. Now, let's get back to work, shall we, Congress? There's a growing chorus of Huma Abedin fans who want her to run for his seat, but because New York is set to lose two House seats in time for 2012, only egomaniacs should bother to take a shot at being a full-time lame duck. Luckily, we never seem to be short on those.

A federal judge upheld a decision that struck down a ban on same-sex marriage in California. U.S. District Court Judge James Ware ruled that his predecessor, who is gay, could still be impartial, even if the case affected him. Really? Shocking!

Several courageous Saudi Arabian women got behind the wheel to protest the Kingdom's ban on women drivers. Their campaign was TR Saudiwomandriversparked after a woman was detained for ten days for releasing a video that showed her driving. Maybe Barry can have a little chat when the Prince comes a callin'. Doubtful.

The situation in Greece is spiraling out of control. Thousands of protestors are in the streets as the threat of a default looms. Economists worry that a default could trigger a financial meltdown similar to that of the Lehman Brothers' collapse of 2008. Oh wait, that was kind of a big deal, wasn't it...

That Rapture forecasting man, Harold Camping, suffered a stroke at his California home. Perhaps the end is near for one man?

Are You Not Entertained?

Harry Potter fans are wearing their sad faces now. The latest trailer for the final Potter movie is out. JK Rowling has registered a new website for some announcement next week.

If we've learned something about Oprah over the years, it's that she can accomplish anything. Her next goal that came in a dream: An interview with OJ Simpson in which he confesses. TR Tpawglitter

Hugh Hefner isn't taking the called- off wedding well. The owner of Playboy has gone so far as to alter the cover of his now former fiance. Well, maybe you deserved it, jerk.

T-Paw receives the glitter treatment in San Francisco. Yes, the biggest news was that Tim was in San Francisco.

Do you want to see Anthony Weiner on Entourage? Puhleeze. Talk about bad business strategy. Larry Flynt has also made an offer...

Interweb Tomfoolery

The dean of the medical school at the University of Alberta took the shortcut and plagiarized his graduation speech from The New Yorker. That's no way to perform surgery.

McDonald's has been very busy this week, and it has nothing to do with dolling out the Happy Meals. Some pranksters thought it would be TR spamburgerhilarious to insinuate that the fast-food chain discriminates against African Americans.

Burger King in Japan has introduced a special spam burger for the ladies. Uh, we'll pass on that.

As a former employee of Whole Foods, your Royal Executioner can relate, (sort of?), to this composer's hit on YouTube. All natural, all the time.

Here is your John Edwards mugshot. Scumbag.

Out on the Town

Are you planning something special for dad's special day? For the baseball lover, the Orioles and Nationals are batting it out on Sunday. Have fun, even if there's a rivalry in the fam.

Take the entire family to Daddy and Me Tea at The Grille in Alexandria for some good food and perhaps a dance lesson.

Celebrate Father's Day in style on a Caribbean cruise or on the Spirit of Washington.
TR 1dad
A couple of things going on in Manassas this weekend that's worth mentioning: Flight lessons for beginners and the Manassas Wine and Jazz Festival.

Brew It. Taste It. Sip It. Pork It. Mmm...If your belly's up to the challenge, head over to the Beer, Bourbon & BBQ Festival TONIGHT at the National Harbor. Saturday is already sold out.

Prepare for summer's arrival with dozens of musicians, dance, and French pastries at the French Embassy.

Scorecard

The scandal involving America's most-famous Weiner is over. Thank you, Jesus. Michele Bachmann's entrance into the 2012 campaign is paying dividends to comedians and commentators alike. Can Mitt remain invulnerable through next year or is his 'unemployment' gaffe just the beginning of the end?

Until next week,

RoyalExecutioner

Friday, June 10, 2011

6-10-11: Perry's Praying for America, a Tax Cut Anniversary, and an American Werewolf in Ohio

So, folks, what have you been reading about most in the news? We'll take a guess, but first, here's Merriam-Webster's definition of 'distraction': The act of distracting or the state of being distracted; especially: mental confusion or something that distracts; especially: amusement . What story could this possibly relate to?

Darn-it, Weiner! Thanks for showing us the true colors of the
distinguished mainstream media! Well, enough about Weiner-gate. There's a lot going on that you might have missed, had you been tuned into Wolf Blitzer or Greta van Susteren!

We're looking forward to next week or the week after...

Forecast

Senate Democrats - well, most of them - are standing united against their GOP colleagues on changes to Medicaid. Republicans have proposed using block grants and caps on Medicaid as part of their deficit-reduction package. 41 Democrats signed a letter to the President, urging him not to waver in the upcoming battle.

TR petekingGreat American Pete King has scheduled a second hearing on Muslim radicalization in the United States. The hearing, scheduled for next Wednesday, will be "a deliberate and thoughtful examination" of a very important issue. So that means no show-boating, right?

Our great nation is in crisis. So much so, according to Rick Perry, that he's invited everyone to a fancy prayer session thingy in August. Your Response? Will this be part of a campaign kick-off tour?

The first GOP Presidential debate is this coming Monday. We're hoping Michele, Herman and Ron stick to their schedules, because without them, we'd probably be snoring.

The Week That Was

Sarah Palin concluded her menacing bus circus tour over the weekend, much to our dismay. A little hint while you're watching her new video: Turn off that distracting sound. It's totally psychedelic! A while back, we heard rumors that our beloved Alaska Governor was interested in tea and TR palintourcrumpets with Margaret Thatcher. Well, it seems the latter considers the former a bit of a nut and has declined. Who would have guessed?

Abandon ship! A max exodus has occurred over at the Newt Gingrich for President campaign. Rumor is the staff didn't take his week-plus long Mediterranean vacation very well. The former Speaker is 're-launching' his campaign in that librul bastion of Los Angeles. This will go over well with grassroots conservatives! Who is the immediate beneficiary of Newt's implosion? Rick Perry.

Happy ten-year anniversary to the Bush tax cuts! As we mark this special occasion, let's have a look at what could have been done with $2.5 trillion. The 'common sense' conservative Republicans are no more. While we're on the subject, T-Paw is proud to announce his tax-cut plan, which, if enacted, would add a whopping $7.8 trillion to the deficit over ten years. And, yes, under this plan, everyone but the wealthy receives a paddling. That's the truth.

Shocking: The U.S. Senate voted against the Big Banks this week by rejecting a six-month delay on debit card swipe fees. We're not living in an alternate reality, are we? 45 senators couldn't bring it on themselves to side with the little people. Shame.

TR wallowfireThousands of Arizonans have fled from a massive fire that has burned more than 400,000 acres in the eastern part of the state. The Wallow fire is only 5% contained, but firefighters say weakened winds will work in their favor over the weekend. Stay safe, everyone!

The United States is ramping up its military operations in Yemen. You heard that right: We're conducting airstrikes in yet another country. This time our enemies are militants with links to al-Qaeda. The campaign had been on hold because of widespread protests that threatened Yemen's ruling regime. Ha ha, what are we doing there now?

Are You Not Entertained?

Bill Press has some great tips for beginners interesting in pursuing a career in the press. Great name, BTW.

Comedians are having tons of fun with Weiner-gate, including Jon Stewart. Ouch. Let's leave the real news to them.
TR super8
Reviews are glowing for JJ Abram's new science fiction thriller, Super 8. A Star Trek sequel is also around the corner. Hooray for the geeks!

Biebs might be Canadian at heart, but he says he's fond of country music. This confession coming at the Country Music Television Awards, of course. There's still hope for you, yet, country-lovin' tweens!

Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck officially endorsed Alec Baldwin for a so-far unannounced campaign to succeed New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Hey, at least its not The Donald putting in his two cents.

Interweb Tomfoolery

This week in American crime: Sheffield Township deputies arrested a man for under-aged drinking. The twenty-year-old claimed to have been scratched by a wolf, while blacking out whenever the moon rises. Too much Twilight, people.TR phonewater

The Federal Communications Commission has released a new report which paints a bleak picture for local communities and the lack of coverage provided by newspapers and other media. The rise of digital technology and reduction of newsroom staffs are primarily to blame.

Oopsies. How many times have you dropped your phone in water? Dry, uncooked rice can be a lifesaver, if it works. Please don't try this rescue plan until you've actually had an accident.

Here's a novel time-waster: Textify it.

Out on the Town

Take part in the final days of the DC Jazz Festival. Jazz on the National Mall returns this year with Toby Foyeh & Orchestra Africa, Claudia Acuna Quintet, Frederic Yonnet, Roy Hargrove's RH Factor and the Eddie Palmieri All-Star Salsa Orchestra. Also, the D.C. Jazz Loft series features music at Red Door and Subterranean A.

Tomorrow, come out and enjoy music from local bands at the Mount Pleasant Music Fest. Virginia Beach will be hosting Hardee's Latin Fest all day today and Saturday.

Watch your favorite SNL guests at the Rosslyn Outdoor Film Festival. Billy Crystal in City Slickers is tonight's feature.

Want to learn how to cook a multi-course Italian meal? Don't we all! The location and top Washington chef are a mystery until you reserve a spot.TR shakespeare

The Washington Shakespeare Company is selling extra costumes and props at its theater yard sale in Arlington. Looking forward to Halloween, anyone?

For three hours on Saturday, view (and buy?) art masterpieces at the 2nd Saturday Art Walk.

The Indigo Girls are at Wolftrap this Sunday.

It's an all-in-one event at the Embassy of Kazahkstan next Thursday. Dinner, drinks, music, and even a diplomatic Q & A with the Ambassador.

Finally, for the politicos: Help The Washington Post decipher the prose of Sarah Palin. You must be 18 or over to participate! Just kidding.

Scorecard

Thanks to hard news outlets, such as CNN and Fox News, the Anthony Weiner story is going to stick around for a while. As predicted many months ago, Newt's campaign is pretty much done for, but Rick Perry could be in it for real.

Stay cool,

RoyalExecutioner