Friday, May 20, 2011

5-20-11: The End is Near, Newt Tastes the Rainbow, and the Secret Service Hates Fox News

Friends, the end is near! Repent now, before it's too late. Family Radio Worldwide is predicting the Apocalypse, but they're still accepting donations from all you evil-doers. Perhaps you are one of hundreds of thousands that will remain for the spoils?

Let's get snarky - one last time - before the world ends!

Forecast

Newt Gingrich has had a bad week, to say the least. First it was the shiny things, then the former family-values Speaker criticized Paul Ryan's budget plan as "right-wing social engineering." Well, that's TR gingrichrainbowangered quite a few on the Right, including this irate Iowa voter. Good luck with the Caucuses, Newt. Minnesota social conservatives welcomed Mr. Gingrich for a book signing. Let's just say he and Callista tasted the rainbow. The Gingrich campaign is in full damage control mode, folks, and it looks like it might be too little, too late. GOP donors are fleeing and the elite are now clamoring over a Mitch Daniels run. Who?

The same potential candidates are still testing the waters (or they've already made the decision, but would rather bask in the media spotlight). Texas secession sensation Rick Perry must be loving the attention he's receiving this week about a possible stealth run for the GOP nomination. He'll be victorious, for sure, in the campaign for Texas President. Michele Bachmann's been called out by the Daily Caller, of all places, for inconsistencies in her record. That's one way to put it. We don't know why T-Paw is still hanging around, but there's going to be some sort of post-Armageddon video announcement on Monday. Guess he's not a true believer. Hrmph.

Good news, everyone: The United States government has hit the debt ceiling. Finally, we've have an accomplishment that all Americans can cheer about. Actually, no. The Treasury has begun borrowing money from federal retirement funds to help pay the bills. Still, Republicans aren't buying Tim Geithner's August 2 catastrophe scenario if there's no deal is made by that deadline. But hey, if the rapture's tomorrow, they needn't worry! Analysts say investors will shy away from American shores and drive the economy back into a recession. Scared yet?
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Sen. Tom Coburn has dropped out of the "Gang of Six" deficit-reduction negotiations. Sources say the Oklahoma Senator was pushing for further cuts to Medicare, which didn't go over well with Dick Durbin. How does selling a few buildings sound, Senator? Mr. Coburn believes the Senate can rebuild its reputation as the world's greatest deliberative body. Ha ha, can we have whatever he's drinking?

Osama bin Laden's a long, forgotten memory. At least we're hoping that's the case. Barry's speech yesterday is his latest attempt to 'reset' Middle East relations. The President called for a peace deal based upon borders similar to the lines drawn before the 1967 Arab-Israeli war. Despite all the hoopla drummed up by western media, it's looking like the message has been lost amongst the target audience.

The Week That Was

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted Monday that he had an affair with a member of his household staff before he ran for office. Schwarzenegger provided financial support and apparently TR badarnoldkept the 'secret' concealed from his family. We reported last week that the Governator and Maria Shriver separated and were still on friendly terms. Ugh, we regret making a joke out of this.

How about some non-presidential election news, for a change? Los Angeles City Councilwoman Janice Hahn bested California Secretary of State Debra Bowen in a closely watched race that will decide who will replace former Rep. Jane Harman. Hahn will face Republican Craig Huey. Meanwhile, former Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson is said to be leaning toward a run for the Senate seat currently held by Herb Kohl, who just recently announced his retirement. Russ Feingold, anyone? Wisconsin Dems. have another (potentially) history-making candidate in Rep. Tammy Baldwin.

Sacre bleu! Once considered to be a Presidential candidate, Dominique Strauss-Kahn was arrested at JFK after a hotel worker claimed he sexually assaulted her. Strauss-Kahn has since resigned as the head of the International Monetary Fund. Whomever is named to replace him will be looking forward to a generous paycheck and other perks. And just like the hated Wall Street crook, he might very well receive a shiny golden parachute. Now that's what we call a royal punishment.

It's been a dreary May for residents along the Mississippi River. Missouri farmers have been allowed to survey what's left of their property. Meanwhile, Memphis, TN residents have been warned that the mighty river will likely remain above flood levels well into June.

NATO forces bombed Libyan ports in Tripoli Thursday, destroying at least eight warships. Col. Gaddafi had been using his navy to attack protestor, and deploying mines to hamper humanitarian aid. Rebel forces have been making gradual gains against Libyan forces in recent days. The White House imposed sanctions against Syria earlier this week, but that has done little to prevent the brutal, ongoing crackdown by the Assad regime.

A new report blames Massey Energy Co. for last year's mining accident, which claimed 29 lives last year in West Virginia. The report, by a former federal mine administrator appointed by TR minebootsthen-Governor Joe Manchin, found that the disaster could have been prevented had the company followed basic safety rules. Quick: what's the mining equivalent of a seat-belt? Members of Congress call the report "deeply disturbing" and say it will encourage Congress to tighten mine safety laws. We're encouraged by this because Congress always does exactly as it promises.

Solved! A staffer of a Texas House Republican is apparently the owner of this oh-so-snarky license plate. 44? WTF? Hilarious! Give yourself a pat on the back.

Are You Not Entertained?

The Donald is not running for president. Should this be reported as political or entertainment news? Um, nobody cares. NBC reiterated before his announcement that Celebrity Apprentice would continue with or without the now non-candidate. You're (not) fired!

Awesome news for Glenn Beck fans in Israel: the Beckster is heading your way for some kind of rally to restore his fan base. Your Royal Executioner had an awesome time at last year's Beck/Palin Teabagger picnic on the Mall, so maybe a few of you loyal readers could 'invest' in a round-trip ticket for hilarity's sake.
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Oprah Winfrey and Katie Couric bid farewell this week.

Remember Chewbacca? He recently sat down for an interview for us lowly humans and chatted about being a celebrity, lousy prequels, and politics.

Prince Beatrice's hat is on the auction block. The going price has already surpassed $30,000. The sale is for a good cause, but we still think it's a monstrosity.

If there's one thing we've learned in our short time on Earth, it's that you can't have everything. Kirstie Alley thinks otherwise and would like that Oscar, stat. The world is about to end - this is her LAST chance!!!

Forbes published its top 100 celebrity list, ranked by wealth, social media presence and power, whatever that means. This year, Lady Gaga topped the list. Oprah and Biebs came in second and third, respectively.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Distinguished Wisconsinite Don Gorske is going into the history books. He consumed the first of 25,000 McDonald's Big Macs back in 1972. Gorske has eaten at least two burgers each day since then on all but eight occasions. Nutritionists around the world are raising their fists in anger.

The Secret Service recently inaugurated its own Twitter account. One TR foxnewspoor soul was tasked to monitor Fox News and forgot to log off the official account. Well, at least he or she tells the truth. In other Service news, a seventh grader got into some trouble with the The Man in a suit over a Facebook posting. You are forewarned, kiddos!

Attention federal workers: You may no longer produce documents available to the public that are not understandable by the public. This is going to be a fun story to check back on.

Are you ready for a zombie invasion? The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention had prepared this nifty guide, should your neighbors and coworkers transform into the dead.

Out on the Town

Give in to your temptations by splurging on Shake Shack's variety of offerings. D.C.'s first Shake Shack opened this week at Dupont Circle. You may need a book to read as you wait in line.

Got Louisiana on your mind? The Louisiana State Society's Captial Crawfest will delight any and all seafood lovers. 4,200 lbs. of crawfish and 150 lbs. of jambalaya. It might be a good idea to hit the gym TR louisianaflagafterwards.

Gosh, we're not stopping with the food theme anytime soon. RFK Stadium will be hosting the DC101 Chili Cook-off benefiting the National Kidney Foundation. Hard rock is included. If you're looking to leave the city for a day, head over to a Taste of Arlington where dozens of vendors have come together to make your day a little tastier. You might as well head over to the Falls Church Farmers Market while you're in the neighborhood.

D.C. Yoga week comes to and end Sunday, but there's still plenty of free or extremely cheap classes open. There's apparently going to be a Yoga flash mob at 4th and Penn tomorrow. Organizers want to crash the Asia Fiesta Street Fair. Uh, we didn't say anything.

Enjoy food and music from local artists at the 9:30 Club. Proceeds will benefit D.C. Central Kitchen.

Shameless Self-Promotion

If you thought your mom was intense about making you eat your vegetables, you haven't seen anything yet. On May 18th, Jessica Capshaw, star of "Grey's Anatomy," joined over 130 concerned moms in the very first webinar hosted by the Moms Clean Air Force: "Clean Air For Our Kids". The Moms Clean Air Force is a dynamic group of moms from all over the country who are joining forces to fight back against politicians in Congress who want to weaken clean air regulations and threaten our kids' health. The webinar also featured Vickie Patton, general counsel at the Environmental Defense Fund, and was hosted by Dominique Browning, lead blogger for the Moms Clean Air Force and former Editor-in-Chief at Home & Garden Magazine. Check out the Moms Clean Air Force website, download the webinar video, and join the conversation by engaging on our Facebook page and following us on Twitter. These moms are ready to go to the mattresses on this one!

Turner teamed up with the Christopher & Dana Reeve Foundation, who, in conjunction with researchers from the University of Louisville, CalTech, and UCLA, have developed a ground-breaking new treatment for spinal cord injuries. Congratulations to the researchers and Rob on this milestone!

Some news on an adorable feline: C.C., the world's first cloned cat is going strong ten years later. She even has her own family and we wish her more years to come.

Scorecard

Trump's out, Newt's crashing and burning, and Michele and Sarah are still thinking. Who would've guessed? Meanwhile, our real Commander-in-Chief outlined a bold Middle East policy shift.

Will tomorrow be the apocalypse? You'll only know if you don't hear from your Royal Executioner a week from now.

Stay safe,

RoyalExecutioner

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