Friday, May 27, 2011

5-27-11: T-Paw is Surging, O'bama Out on the Town, and Oprah Says Goodbye

We're all still here! Heaven's mercy. Yes, it appears that either we've all entered this wonderful heaven, which is eerily similar to the past-life, or we've all been duped by a true, scheming American capitalist. Worry not, October 21 is the newly-projected date of the REAL Rapture.

In the meantime, snark on...

Forecast

Let's fast forward a year or so into the future. Will Barry be running against a formidable opponent or will your Royal Executioner still be bored to death covering some 'generic GOP candidate?' Now, back to the present, and, hey, things are looking brighter.
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Minnesota bore Tim Pawlenty launched his campaign on Monday. Someone on his online team got ahead of themselves and put the video up on Sunday. Accident, maybe? Only T-Paw knows, because he's America's truth-telling savior. Sadly, this story surely won't help his cause. Good work, opposition researchers! The former Governor is doing quite well - pulling in a cool six percent! He should audition to appear in the next Godfather's Pizza spot.

Sister Sarah is hittin' the road for a tour of the greatest country on Earth. For some reason, she's left Hawaii off the itinerary. We're guessing it's not a part of real 'Murica. There's also talk of a new video that's supposedly going to debut in Iowa. The half-term Governor also quit her digs in Alaska for the warm sun of Arizona. Ah, retirement, so close.

Mitt Romney returns (did he really leave?) to New Hampshire next Friday for his campaign kick-off. Some delightful news for many of us: Michele Bachmann is probably going to announce a run for the White House sometime next month. Finally, some dude named 'Rick Santorum' is jumping in soon, too.

Republicans are touching Medicare. Eww. The Senate showed Paul Ryan's budget the door as GOP leadership now contend the growing backlash is just a messaging problem and not just bad policy. Dick Cheney is envious of Ryan's position, while Bill Clinton is offering a TR medicaresignsympathetic ear. Don't do it, Bubba! According to Rupert Murdoch's Wall Street Journal, Republicans are looking to reset the debate on economic issues. You know that that means: tax cuts, more tax cuts, and even more tax cuts. Today is a great day to be a multinational corporation. A little side note: we hear that Tea Party darling Rand Paul wants the rules changed, just for himself.

Hillary Clinton flew to Pakistan last night and met with Pakistani intelligence and military leaders as relations between the two countries remain strained in the weeks after the bin Laden raid. Meanwhile, a CIA team has been given permission to inspect the now infamous compound.

Libya's Muammar Gaddafi is calling for a ceasefire with the countries that are currently bombing his country. President Obama, at the G8 Summit, reiterated that there will be no letup to pressure Gaddafi to relinquish his power. Egypt's deposed leader, Hosni Mubarak, and his sons are facing criminal charges of corruption relating to misuse of public funds and other abuses of power. The three will also face charges of premeditated murder over the deaths of more than 800 protestors.

The Week That Was

Some sad news coming from the Heartland this week. Severe weather, including some very scary tornadoes tore through once peaceful communities across the Midwest and South. Joplin, MO saw the most fatalities from just one tornado. 125 are confirmed dead and 232 are still missing. There are some truly heartbreaking stories being told. As if the situation weren't bad enough for these people, some House Republicans are doing a marvelous job to add to their misery. We encourage you to help out by donating to organizations such as the American Red Cross.

TR obamasdrinkingPresident O'Bama was in Europe and took a moment to return to his Irish roots in the little town of Moneygall, the birthplace of his great-great-great grandfather. The First Couple couldn't leave without stopping by a local pub for a taste of authentic Irish booze. We're glad the President wasn't behind the wheel as his motorcade, uh, tried to depart the Dublin Embassy. Way to represent, America! Obama also met with Queen Elizabeth II and the newly married royal couple in a stop at Buckingham Palace. No indication that the royal snub was brought up. While in France, Obama held talks with leaders of the G8, but nothing productive appears to have resulted from the meetings. (Hands up if you're shocked...) The President is in Poland today before he returns to Washington.

Congratulations to Kathy Hochul, the new Congresswoman-elect from New York's 26th District. Hochul edged out Jane Corwin, who now sorely regrets not purchasing janecorwin.org. Medicare appears to have been a big factor in the normally reliable Republican district.

Hey there, Patrick McHenry! Things got a little testy at a House subcommittee hearing between the Congressman and Elizabeth Warren. The North Carolinian showed a little of that Southern hospitality to the President's consumer protection adviser. We think she deserves an apology, mister. Warren's online supporters had a field day on the Congressman's Facebook page.

The House passed a $690 billion defense bill, which included a slight increase in military pay, an increase in health care fees for working-age retirees, and $119 billion for Afghanistan and Iraq. The Senate will consider the bill sometime in mid-June. Congress also gave the green light to several provisions of the Patriot Act. President Obama 'signed' the bill with an autopen.

The Supreme Court upheld Arizona's controversial immigration law that punishes businesses that hire undocumented workers. E-Verify, a federal database program used to check employee documentation, has been in use in Arizona since 2008. We think this next story deserves some TR crazyjoeattention for its Arizona connection and irony: Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, known for his whacky way of treating his fellow human beings, has, apparently, failed to keep his house in order. What say you, Sheriff Joe? In another Supreme Court decision, California may have to release thousands of inmates because of inhumane conditions in an overpopulated prison system.

Remember those massive Wisconsin protests and Governor Scott Walker? Well, Dane County Judge Maryann Sumi overturned legislation that limited collective bargaining and cuts to health and pension benefits. Walker has pledged to fight the decision with legislation or through the state supreme court. We thought you appreciated public workers, Scotty.

Ratko Mladic, a notorious Bosnian Serb military commander, was captured after sixteen years on the run. Mladic is accused, among many things, of leading the slaughter of more than 8,000 Muslims in a 1995 massacre.

Are You Not Entertained?

MSNBC handed Ed Schultz a one-week suspension after the media personality made an idiot of himself by insulting Laura Ingraham, and all women really, on his radio show. Not that Laura has EVER been a controversial figure.
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So long free cars. So long trips to Australia and beyond. The Oprah Winfrey show ended its 25-year run Wednesday. There now, have a tissue.

Glenn Beck's University and gold-selling efforts are about to be eclipsed by something grander! The Beckster has gone full tilt with the social media craze. Can he compete with Groupon? Wait and see. The Crazy Man has a new show in the works, too.

Bill O'Reilly has some breaking news: Kim Kardashian is a pinhead. What took you so long, Bill?

The Situation and a co-star tarnished the goodwill and reputation of America as they duked it out during a taping of their reality show. Ratings boost, anyone? Disgusting.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Ever wanted to enjoy a large, yet cheap sandwich, in style? Subway is targeting some very important people (and their cash) with an upscale makeover in some of its eateries.

Facebook has taken some jabs from conservatives over the years. Obama's town hall a few weeks back just fed them more ammo. But TR turtlecrosswait, Facebook is truly bipartisan! They've just hired a few people from Team Dubya. That must be a good thing, right?

Was it the video camera? This turtle sped off in a hurry.

Hands off, Strauss-Kahn. Two years ago the Obamas had a run-in with the now disgraced former IMF head. Barack's a smart guy, y'all.

CNN's hard news bureau is working overtime, for once. They've uncovered some questionable experiments being performed at the National Science Foundation. Five-hundred thousand whoopers for that one.

Video games in the bathroom. Where's the irony in that?

Out on the Town

Enjoying the heat this week? Put on some sunscreen because there's plenty to do over the Memorial Day weekend.

The major event, of course will be the National Memorial Day Concert in front of the U.S. Capitol. Keep your Sunday night plans open. The annual Rolling Thunder parade takes place earlier in the day. Who knows, you may see Queen Sarah arriving by motorcycle.

Carl Craig is coming to the U Street Music Hall, Scream will be at the Black Cat, and Beach Fossils are kicking off summer at the JFK Center.

ThTR spiritroveris will be of interest to you politicos: Farragut North, based loosely on the observations of a Howard Dean 2004 staffer, is playing at the Olney Theater Center.

The Mars Spirit Rover may have gone silent forever (poor thing), but that doesn't mean you can't indulge yourself in 50 Years of Exploration at the National Air and Space Museum.

Come see the winner and finalists of the Washington Post's Peeps Diorama Contest at the Artisphere. There probably won't be any taste testing.

The Argentine Festival has arrived at the Thomas Jefferson Community Theatre. Don't miss the tango band and great food.

Scorecard

Our hearts go out to those affected by this week's severe weather. They sure have been through a lot - first the Mississippi River flooding and now this. Let's hope politics remain out of their recovery.

Meanwhile, our boredom of the 2012 race may be days away from a cure. Let's all pray that Michele, Sarah, and Rudy jump in. We're ready to go!

Enjoy your weekend,

RoyalExecutioner

Friday, May 20, 2011

5-20-11: The End is Near, Newt Tastes the Rainbow, and the Secret Service Hates Fox News

Friends, the end is near! Repent now, before it's too late. Family Radio Worldwide is predicting the Apocalypse, but they're still accepting donations from all you evil-doers. Perhaps you are one of hundreds of thousands that will remain for the spoils?

Let's get snarky - one last time - before the world ends!

Forecast

Newt Gingrich has had a bad week, to say the least. First it was the shiny things, then the former family-values Speaker criticized Paul Ryan's budget plan as "right-wing social engineering." Well, that's TR gingrichrainbowangered quite a few on the Right, including this irate Iowa voter. Good luck with the Caucuses, Newt. Minnesota social conservatives welcomed Mr. Gingrich for a book signing. Let's just say he and Callista tasted the rainbow. The Gingrich campaign is in full damage control mode, folks, and it looks like it might be too little, too late. GOP donors are fleeing and the elite are now clamoring over a Mitch Daniels run. Who?

The same potential candidates are still testing the waters (or they've already made the decision, but would rather bask in the media spotlight). Texas secession sensation Rick Perry must be loving the attention he's receiving this week about a possible stealth run for the GOP nomination. He'll be victorious, for sure, in the campaign for Texas President. Michele Bachmann's been called out by the Daily Caller, of all places, for inconsistencies in her record. That's one way to put it. We don't know why T-Paw is still hanging around, but there's going to be some sort of post-Armageddon video announcement on Monday. Guess he's not a true believer. Hrmph.

Good news, everyone: The United States government has hit the debt ceiling. Finally, we've have an accomplishment that all Americans can cheer about. Actually, no. The Treasury has begun borrowing money from federal retirement funds to help pay the bills. Still, Republicans aren't buying Tim Geithner's August 2 catastrophe scenario if there's no deal is made by that deadline. But hey, if the rapture's tomorrow, they needn't worry! Analysts say investors will shy away from American shores and drive the economy back into a recession. Scared yet?
TR durbincoburn
Sen. Tom Coburn has dropped out of the "Gang of Six" deficit-reduction negotiations. Sources say the Oklahoma Senator was pushing for further cuts to Medicare, which didn't go over well with Dick Durbin. How does selling a few buildings sound, Senator? Mr. Coburn believes the Senate can rebuild its reputation as the world's greatest deliberative body. Ha ha, can we have whatever he's drinking?

Osama bin Laden's a long, forgotten memory. At least we're hoping that's the case. Barry's speech yesterday is his latest attempt to 'reset' Middle East relations. The President called for a peace deal based upon borders similar to the lines drawn before the 1967 Arab-Israeli war. Despite all the hoopla drummed up by western media, it's looking like the message has been lost amongst the target audience.

The Week That Was

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted Monday that he had an affair with a member of his household staff before he ran for office. Schwarzenegger provided financial support and apparently TR badarnoldkept the 'secret' concealed from his family. We reported last week that the Governator and Maria Shriver separated and were still on friendly terms. Ugh, we regret making a joke out of this.

How about some non-presidential election news, for a change? Los Angeles City Councilwoman Janice Hahn bested California Secretary of State Debra Bowen in a closely watched race that will decide who will replace former Rep. Jane Harman. Hahn will face Republican Craig Huey. Meanwhile, former Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson is said to be leaning toward a run for the Senate seat currently held by Herb Kohl, who just recently announced his retirement. Russ Feingold, anyone? Wisconsin Dems. have another (potentially) history-making candidate in Rep. Tammy Baldwin.

Sacre bleu! Once considered to be a Presidential candidate, Dominique Strauss-Kahn was arrested at JFK after a hotel worker claimed he sexually assaulted her. Strauss-Kahn has since resigned as the head of the International Monetary Fund. Whomever is named to replace him will be looking forward to a generous paycheck and other perks. And just like the hated Wall Street crook, he might very well receive a shiny golden parachute. Now that's what we call a royal punishment.

It's been a dreary May for residents along the Mississippi River. Missouri farmers have been allowed to survey what's left of their property. Meanwhile, Memphis, TN residents have been warned that the mighty river will likely remain above flood levels well into June.

NATO forces bombed Libyan ports in Tripoli Thursday, destroying at least eight warships. Col. Gaddafi had been using his navy to attack protestor, and deploying mines to hamper humanitarian aid. Rebel forces have been making gradual gains against Libyan forces in recent days. The White House imposed sanctions against Syria earlier this week, but that has done little to prevent the brutal, ongoing crackdown by the Assad regime.

A new report blames Massey Energy Co. for last year's mining accident, which claimed 29 lives last year in West Virginia. The report, by a former federal mine administrator appointed by TR minebootsthen-Governor Joe Manchin, found that the disaster could have been prevented had the company followed basic safety rules. Quick: what's the mining equivalent of a seat-belt? Members of Congress call the report "deeply disturbing" and say it will encourage Congress to tighten mine safety laws. We're encouraged by this because Congress always does exactly as it promises.

Solved! A staffer of a Texas House Republican is apparently the owner of this oh-so-snarky license plate. 44? WTF? Hilarious! Give yourself a pat on the back.

Are You Not Entertained?

The Donald is not running for president. Should this be reported as political or entertainment news? Um, nobody cares. NBC reiterated before his announcement that Celebrity Apprentice would continue with or without the now non-candidate. You're (not) fired!

Awesome news for Glenn Beck fans in Israel: the Beckster is heading your way for some kind of rally to restore his fan base. Your Royal Executioner had an awesome time at last year's Beck/Palin Teabagger picnic on the Mall, so maybe a few of you loyal readers could 'invest' in a round-trip ticket for hilarity's sake.
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Oprah Winfrey and Katie Couric bid farewell this week.

Remember Chewbacca? He recently sat down for an interview for us lowly humans and chatted about being a celebrity, lousy prequels, and politics.

Prince Beatrice's hat is on the auction block. The going price has already surpassed $30,000. The sale is for a good cause, but we still think it's a monstrosity.

If there's one thing we've learned in our short time on Earth, it's that you can't have everything. Kirstie Alley thinks otherwise and would like that Oscar, stat. The world is about to end - this is her LAST chance!!!

Forbes published its top 100 celebrity list, ranked by wealth, social media presence and power, whatever that means. This year, Lady Gaga topped the list. Oprah and Biebs came in second and third, respectively.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Distinguished Wisconsinite Don Gorske is going into the history books. He consumed the first of 25,000 McDonald's Big Macs back in 1972. Gorske has eaten at least two burgers each day since then on all but eight occasions. Nutritionists around the world are raising their fists in anger.

The Secret Service recently inaugurated its own Twitter account. One TR foxnewspoor soul was tasked to monitor Fox News and forgot to log off the official account. Well, at least he or she tells the truth. In other Service news, a seventh grader got into some trouble with the The Man in a suit over a Facebook posting. You are forewarned, kiddos!

Attention federal workers: You may no longer produce documents available to the public that are not understandable by the public. This is going to be a fun story to check back on.

Are you ready for a zombie invasion? The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention had prepared this nifty guide, should your neighbors and coworkers transform into the dead.

Out on the Town

Give in to your temptations by splurging on Shake Shack's variety of offerings. D.C.'s first Shake Shack opened this week at Dupont Circle. You may need a book to read as you wait in line.

Got Louisiana on your mind? The Louisiana State Society's Captial Crawfest will delight any and all seafood lovers. 4,200 lbs. of crawfish and 150 lbs. of jambalaya. It might be a good idea to hit the gym TR louisianaflagafterwards.

Gosh, we're not stopping with the food theme anytime soon. RFK Stadium will be hosting the DC101 Chili Cook-off benefiting the National Kidney Foundation. Hard rock is included. If you're looking to leave the city for a day, head over to a Taste of Arlington where dozens of vendors have come together to make your day a little tastier. You might as well head over to the Falls Church Farmers Market while you're in the neighborhood.

D.C. Yoga week comes to and end Sunday, but there's still plenty of free or extremely cheap classes open. There's apparently going to be a Yoga flash mob at 4th and Penn tomorrow. Organizers want to crash the Asia Fiesta Street Fair. Uh, we didn't say anything.

Enjoy food and music from local artists at the 9:30 Club. Proceeds will benefit D.C. Central Kitchen.

Shameless Self-Promotion

If you thought your mom was intense about making you eat your vegetables, you haven't seen anything yet. On May 18th, Jessica Capshaw, star of "Grey's Anatomy," joined over 130 concerned moms in the very first webinar hosted by the Moms Clean Air Force: "Clean Air For Our Kids". The Moms Clean Air Force is a dynamic group of moms from all over the country who are joining forces to fight back against politicians in Congress who want to weaken clean air regulations and threaten our kids' health. The webinar also featured Vickie Patton, general counsel at the Environmental Defense Fund, and was hosted by Dominique Browning, lead blogger for the Moms Clean Air Force and former Editor-in-Chief at Home & Garden Magazine. Check out the Moms Clean Air Force website, download the webinar video, and join the conversation by engaging on our Facebook page and following us on Twitter. These moms are ready to go to the mattresses on this one!

Turner teamed up with the Christopher & Dana Reeve Foundation, who, in conjunction with researchers from the University of Louisville, CalTech, and UCLA, have developed a ground-breaking new treatment for spinal cord injuries. Congratulations to the researchers and Rob on this milestone!

Some news on an adorable feline: C.C., the world's first cloned cat is going strong ten years later. She even has her own family and we wish her more years to come.

Scorecard

Trump's out, Newt's crashing and burning, and Michele and Sarah are still thinking. Who would've guessed? Meanwhile, our real Commander-in-Chief outlined a bold Middle East policy shift.

Will tomorrow be the apocalypse? You'll only know if you don't hear from your Royal Executioner a week from now.

Stay safe,

RoyalExecutioner

Friday, May 13, 2011

5-13-11: Newt's Running for Real, Common Causes Trouble, and the Brits are in a Hangover

By the time you've read this, we're hoping your Friday the 13th has gone by without incident. We here at Turner Central endured a few rain drops and the startling clang of crashing equipment (?) outside the office. The news down south hasn't been welcome for the thousands fleeing from the swollen Mississippi River. Also, Osama bin Laden has yet to exit the news cycle.

Don't be sad, snark on!

Forecast

Social media maverick Newt Gingrich announced his run for president on the Twitter. The campaign is going national! He admits to making some mistakes in the past. Haha, if you clicked that link believing that you'd stumble across his, uh, other mistakes, don't feel ashamed. Newt will be scaling Mount Everest before he wins over social conservatives. One thing's for sure - he one-upped Mitt Romney by supporting individual TR newtfunnymandates at the federal level. Congrats on your coronation, Newt! Romney, meanwhile, delivered his awesome must-see speech about why ObamaCare is nothing like RomneyCare. Everyone except Mitt Romney agrees! Finally, we also found out that Mittens produced his own PowerPoint presentation - or so Politico claims.

Hey, everyone, Ron Paul is running for President, for the third time. His rationale is that, after listening for thirty years to his gobbledegook, Americans are finally warming up to him. Uh, yeah, whatever, Ron. Mitch Daniels is the reluctant candidate. Reluctant enough, however, to appear front-page on every political rag.

John Boehner is raising the rhetoric on the debt ceiling, again. The House GOP leadership is calling for spending cuts that match or exceed the amount permitted to raise debt limits. While Obama wants Senate Democrats to show a unified front on this issue, we're seeing them fracture elsewhere: tax breaks to Big Oil. Democrats led by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid want (finally) to do away with those billion-dollar subsidies to the oil companies. This sounds like a great idea, but, as expected, some interests are blocking the way. Oil execs were on Capitol Hill Thursday pushing back hard. Come on Democrats, would you please think of the fat cats once in a while?

Obama took his comprehensive immigration reform message to the Lone Star State on Tuesday. While Obama called reform a "moral imperative," those on the Right are calling his speech in Texas purely political - just another attempt to shore up support in the Hispanic community. Perhaps he's just looking after his favorite fans. Obama underscored efforts over the last two years to improve border security and squeezed in a few shots at the GOP. Click here to read what Barry will do to take away YOUR job. To coincide with his Texas jaunt, Senate Democrats are urging passage of the DREAM Act. Our prediction: This will go nowhere. Absolutely nowhere.

We were about to close the week without a notable, scandalous political TR Cstreetstory, but thanks to the good people of the U.S. Senate Committee on Ethics, we present to you a treasure trove/sordid tale of all things Senator Ensign-related. The Committee released its own report Thursday concluding that the former Nevada Senator violated federal civil and criminal laws. The Committee voted unanimously to refer the matter to the Justice Department and Federal Election Committee. How's that for C-Street values?

While the world, erm, the media, is intently focused on bin Laden's death, unrest continues in Syria and Yemen. Reports emerge every day of Syrian forces shooting and killing protestors. The U.N. says at least 850 anti-government protestors may have been killed since March. Despite continued international pressure (whatever that means), Assad remains defiant, and his allies say the regime will fight to the end. NATO coalition members launched a series of airstrikes against Col. Gadaffi's compound in Tripoli. Rebel leaders were invited to meet at the White House today.

The Week That Was

This just in: Pakistan's government was/is neither incompetent, nor complicit with 'the enemy,' as Osama bin Laden lived inside his compound for years, viewing porn, apparently. A pair of suicide bombers killed at least 80 in Pakistan. The Pakistan Taliban have claimed responsibility for the attacks, which were in retaliation for bin Laden's death. Back home, Sen. James Inhofe would like the world to know that HE has seen the photos of the dead terrorist leader. Good for you, Senator! The news media is also TR memphisfloodingcalling for the release of the photos. Who in the general public is clamoring for their release? *Crickets.*

Residents of Louisiana and Mississippi remain on edge as water from the Mississippi River threatens to inundate many low-lying areas. Entire towns are evacuating in preparation for the worst, as taxpayers are footing a growing bill for insurance claims and levee system construction. You can't fight Mother Nature, peeps.

The U.S. Navy is backtracking after taking heat from conservative activists over a memo written that would permit same-sex marriages to take place at military chapels in states that allowed the marriages.

Former Sen. George Mitchell resigned as Special Envoy to the Middle East, two years after his appointment by President Obama. There's no word yet of his replacement.

Wisconsin Senator Herb Kohl will not seek re-election next year. He's the sixth Democratic senator who will retire this cycle. We knew things were getting rough for 2012, but maybe Russ Feingold will save the day.

Officials from the European Union and the International Monetary Fund TR greekprotestsbegan talks with Greek officials about solving a worsening financial crisis. Thousands of Greek protestors took part in a day-long strike against government austerity measures.

Japan's crippled nuclear reactor did suffer a meltdown, according to Tokyo Electric Power Company. Hey, thanks for telling us, finally. Two months later, 15,000 are confirmed dead and more than 10,000 are listed as missing. We're still pulling for you, Japan.

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are separating after 25 years of marriage. We hear the former couple is still on friendly terms. Terminated. (We just had to.)

Are You Not Entertained?

Rep. Aaron Schock really wanted to get into the "news" this week. Capitol Hill is abuzz with his fitness advocacy. Some of the folks in Illinois' 18th Congressional District aren't ecstatic about their rep's exposure. Meghan McCain also got the memo about stripping off the work clothes by starring in a skin cancer-related PSA. This has led to a scuffle with Glenn Beck. McCain, McCain, and now John McCain are tripping over themselves to take the Beckster down a notch. A little late there, Gramps.

Hey, folks, there's a new excuse for people receiving some nipping and tucking: medical reasons. People have been talking about the 'before and after' transformation of Bristol Palin. Well, more power to ya, honey. You've got a new reality show in the pipeline and apparently thousands TR madsarahof fans willing to tune in.

Sarah Palin is mad as hell about Common's performance at the White House. Her expertise in these matters is ALWAYS appreciated. Fellow conservative talking heads are up in arms over the rapper's invitation. Chill out, dudes.

As reported earlier, Oprah Winfrey is ending her show very soon. Who will end up being her last guests? We know advertisers will be shelling out big bucks to run 30-second commercials.

Ashton Kutcher is heading to the set of Two and a Half Men. Kutcher is replacing Charlie Sheen, who, thankfully, hasn't been in the news lately.

Jim Lehrer is leaving the anchor's desk at PBS's Newshour after 36 years. Farewell, sir.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Guys and gals, it's just an iPad. Things turned violent at one of Apple's stores in Beijing on release day of the iPad 2.

California has its own Alvin Greene running in the 36th Congressional District. Best of luck!

TR peanutbutterWake up, America. The Brits are beating us in yet another contest. Our friends on the other side of the Atlantic spend a total of five years in a hangover.

A slab formed by 2,000 jars worth of peanut butter is art, apparently. (Don't get any ideas). One man must pay up for damages.

Burson-Martseller, a global public relations firm, has a little public relations problem right now. According to leaked e-mails, one of its well-known clients, Facebook, had been seeking "counsel" as part of a larger strategy to disparage Google in the media. All it took was a little Googling to learn about an unsavory client list. Oops.

Superman renounced his citizenship a couple of weeks back. Now he's back, giving us a second chance.

Out on the Town

Graduation is in the air, and while many college students are returning home, there's still plenty to do in the District. Saint Sophia Cathedral's annual Spring Greek Festival promises to be a sure hit for those who savor authentic Greek food. Don't miss the dance, music and live band in the evenings.

Trek out to the National Harbor for the 2011 Wine and Food Festival. Hurry and get your tickets for Sunday, because Saturday is sold out. Beforehand, you can also enjoy some wine tasting and a tour at the Mount Vernon estate tonight. TR embassy row

Cafe Atlantico is preparing a seven-course meal in preparation for the upcoming Folklife Festival. Enjoy the flavors of Colombia for lunch or dinner or both!

The Embassy of Barbados is hosting a happy hour with rum punch, a buffet dinner, and a DJ.

International affairs buffs have the opportunity tomorrow to visit a number of embassies as part of the Around the World Embassy Tour.

The Kreeger Museum in Northwest is hosting a night of jazz and wine.

Billy Woodward and the Senders will be at the Black Cat on Sunday.

Take the Metro and enjoy a short walk to the Bethesda Fine Arts Festival, taking place Saturday and Sunday. Live entertainment plus arts and craft. Fun!

Scorecard

These GOP presidential candidate have-beens are such a bore, but we're covering them because no one else has emerged. Time's running out, Republicans! At this rate, Obama will shake things up by picking Romney as his running mate, just to keep us interested.

Enjoy your weekend!

RoyalExecutioner