Snark on or you won't find out!
The White House released Barry's long-form birth certificate. This action will FINALLY put to rest questions surrounding the President's birthplace. We kid -- the crazy birthers won't let facts get in the way of their fight to reclaim America! Now they're just grasping at straws.
Let's get back to the REAL news: Donald Trump. America's fakest 2012 candidate is proud, so proud to have forced Obama's hand! Unfortunately for him, the week brought more bad news: Draft dodging, made in China madness, and alleged worker harassment. Give the lump of hair a break, lamestream media! Now, Apprentice viewers are tiring of his nonsense. Finally, go home, Orly, and practice more of that dentistry or whatever you're good at.
Ron Paul is running for president -- this time, for real. His sure-to-win platform: rid this nation of Medicaid, Medicare and Social Security. In other 2012 news, southern gentleman-lobbyist Governor Haley Barbour took his hat out of the ring Monday. Those mega bucks are too alluring, aren't they, Haley? Maybe there was another reason for his departure.
John Boehner's tried scaring the bejesus out of America by threatening to shut down the government. That didn't happen, so now our teary-eyed Speaker says he may not bring up a vote to raise the debt limit. How heart-warming of him! Harry Reid is planning to turn the tables (hopefully) on Republicans by bringing the Ryan budget up for a vote.
Are Dems. about to put the Grand Oil Party in a bind? Obama and Pelosi are calling on the Speaker to join them in rolling back those billion dollar oil subsidies, and budget-mastermind Paul Ryan is having second thoughts, too. Shocking! Also, there's only one wedding Democrats want you to pay attention to today. Gulf Coast residents are still suffering from last year's disaster, but BP is on the case! Here, have another $400 million, and we'll get started on that drilling right away.
Well, it took them long enough, but the U.N. Human Rights Council is preparing to condemn the violence against civilians perpetrated by the Syrian government, as the crackdown continues. Protestors in Yemen continue their demonstrations, unconvinced that a new president will bring reform.
The Week That Was
A series of devastating tornadoes ripped through the southeastern United States, leaving entire towns in ruin and more than 300 dead. Our hearts go out to the families of those who lost their lives. Obama declared a state of emergency in Alabama to assist in rescue and recovery activities. The President visited Tuscaloosa, Ala., a college town that suffered severe damage. 330 people died in a similar outbreak of tornadoes in 1974. D.C. area residents witnessed some pretty whacky weather, too.
There's been a major shakeup of the President's national security team, well, it's more like a game of musical chairs: Current CIA Director Leon Panetta has been nominated to succeed outgoing Defense Secretary Robert Gates, while General David Patraeus has been tapped to replace Panetta. Former U.S. Ambassador to Iraq, Ryan Crocker, will be assuming diplomatic duties in Afghanistan.
Ben Bernanke became the first Chairman of the Federal Reserve to hold a press conference. Bernanke sought to use the new outlet to better educate Americans on decisions made by the Federal Reserve. Yes, this will work, because we know how much our fellow citizens digest policy. He plans on holding a presser four times per year.
The Supreme Court sided with AT&T and other corporations in a 5-4 ruling. The Court's decision will make it more difficult for consumers to band together to sue corporations, despite state laws that might permit them to do so. Isn't this a lovely time to live in our country?
Allen West is proving to be the most extreme of the extreme of GOPers on the Hill. His latest target is Planned Parenthood (who else?). Also, how dare these outsider screen questions from those pesky do-nothing constituents. Can you believe what's happening in Indiana? The state is well on its way to restricting Medicaid reimbursements for low-income people seeking "basic health services" at Planned Parenthood facilities. The organization currently receives $3 million per year from the state.
Rep. Gabrielle Giffords was present at the Kennedy Space Center, hoping to view the launch of Space Shuttle Endeavour. Unfortunately, today's lift-off has been called off. Her husband, Mark Kelly, is commanding the shuttle's final flight. Meanwhile, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer made it official today: the Colt Single Action Army Revolver is now the state's official firearm. Neither the Governor nor her spokesman were not available for comment. Geniuses.
We wish the new Duke and Dutchess of Cambridge happiness in the years to come. The wedding is over and not a moment too soon. The American media, though, have pretty much made a spectacle out of the whole deal. CNN, the crown jewel of reporting hard news, has its own Twitter feed devoted to the wedding. Those minute-by-minute tweets are breaking news, peeps. Also, it's pretty sad when members of the media are asking, "who cares?". Well, they clearly do!
The final chapter in the Harry Potter saga is coming to the silver screen in July. The trailer is already out. What now becomes of the Harry Potter fan-base? Also arriving in July: the next installment of the Transformers series. A nerdy summer indeed.
Michele Bachmann took a much-needed break from her circus act to schmooze with Hollywood liberals in New York City, of all places. (This will make a great Tea Party ad, Michele!). Anyways, she posed with Darren Criss and was looking for another of his co-stars. What are the gays saying now?
Confirming rumors, Katie Couric announced her departure from CBS News. Scott Pelley is likely to be named her successor and poor Sarah Palin just had to get in her two cents. Haw, haw, you are such a jokester, Sarah.
The White House Correspondents' Dinner is tomorrow. Will Barry and Seth win us over? Stay tuned.
Noted political scribe "Chuck Norris" and his pastor(?) have been caught red-handed plagiarizing. What's hilarious is that he lifted material from his own book. Oh, Chuck, maybe you should stick to campaigning for that maybe-presidential candidate, Huckster.
Conspiracy theorists be damned, again. Michelle Obama does not have a third hand.
Teabaggers angered by a Superman comic character. Yes.
PepsiCo is taking the ever-expanding social media world seriously. This is no delayed April Fool's joke: Interactive social vending machines are coming to a corner near you. Have you ever had the urge to buy a stranger a coke?
Altoona, Pa. is no more. The town of 31,000 will have its name changed to POM Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold, for two months. Filmmaker Morgan Spurlock will be paying Altoona $25,000 in return.
Out on the Town
The weather is expected to be gorgeous this weekend, so why not spend some time outside at the Georgetown French Market. There will be food, shopping and live music. Speaking of food, Barracks Row restaurants are hoping to entice your taste buds with cheap tastings.
All next week, yoga classes are $5 a pop at Flow Yoga Center.
Don't miss the Sweetlife Festival up in Columbia, Md. this Sunday.
Would you rather spend your fun time inside? Love on the Run and DJ Deep Sang are at Marvin for a Disco Invasion. Start Happy Hour early at Nellie's with $1 drinks. If you're looking for something closer to the Capitol, head on over to the rooftop of Charlie Palmer Steak for Hamilton's Rooftop Party.
Tonight, the Lincoln Theater is hosting the final round of the National Recitation Contest.
Kylie Minogue is at GMU's Patriot Center on Saturday.
Breathe in, breathe out - it's over. No more Royal Wedding news, stories, specials or whatever after this. Our feet are still tapping as we wait for that serious GOP contender to emerge. In the meantime, we're stuck with The Donald's nationwide freak-show and all the media obsession surrounding it.