Hopefully a dose of snark will get you through the weekend and make that hole in your a wallet a little smaller.
Barry and congressional leaders reached a compromise over budget cuts for the remainder of the fiscal year. The legislation, which passed the Senate then the House Thursday, would save approximately $38 billion. Oops, we mean a MEASLY $352 million. How's that for sneakiness? Remember, politics is all smoke and mirrors, kiddos. Even Tea Partiers are afraid of Rep. Paul Ryan's budget plan, which emphasizes even more extreme cuts. Don't expect it to go anywhere on the other side of the Capitol. Slated to receive some "trimming": EPA, NIH, and several law enforcement programs -- all the things are supposed to keep us safe. High-speed rail initiatives will also feel the pain. NPR and PBS emerged unscathed -- for now. Big Bird and the Cookie monster say thanks. Anyways, last week's deal wasn't such a great victory for Tea Partiers, and too bad for them, because House Tea Party freshman aren't afraid of ya!
Obama says we've lost our way (again?) and announced his plan to reduce the deficit by $4 trillion over 12 years. Joe Biden was clearly not impressed and Nancy Pelosi is PISSED that she and other Dems have been shut out of budget negotiations involving Obama and Repubs. Politico says the former speaker is no longer relevant to the D.C. power shuffle. Whatever, dudes. We can see the gavel in her eyes.
As everyone gears up to sort of run for the 2012 GOP presidential nomination, some lawmakers are making it known about their displeasure about the current candidate pool. Don't fret, guys -- Mitt Romney to the rescue! His Monday announcement was certainly just a coincidence, arriving the day before the fifth anniversary of "RomneyCare." Congratulations, BTW. We were so hoping for a T-Paw-style launch, Mittens. The Donald might be running for president, but he clearly hasn't learned good etiquette with magazine editors. Hint: have someone else do your dirty work. Finally, Rick Santorum has jumped into the race, and just a heads up, we'll be seeing plenty of strange/disgusting stories to come.
American intelligence agencies and those of our NATO allies are saying rebel forces in Libya are in such disarray that it's unlikely they'll be in a position to remove Gaddafi and his loyalists. Everyone's telling Gaddafi to take a hike. Syria's president announced the formation of a new cabinet and the Obama administration is keeping an eye on the ongoing investigation of Hosni Mubarak.
Barack and Michelle will return to Chicago for some fundraising, and make an appearance as two of Oprah's final guests. The episode will air May 2.
The Week That Was
A month has passed since the devastating earthquake and tsunami struck Japan. Mother Nature decided to mark the occasion with another strong temblor. We're still don't have clear picture on what's going on with that crippled nuclear plant, but these comparisons with Chernobyl are quite unsettling!
Ivory Coast's former president, who was apparently re-elected last November -- despite losing -- has been captured and placed under house arrest. Gbagbo may face trial in the coming months for alleged crimes against his own people.
The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals upheld a Arizona federal judge's injunction to block the most controversial provisions of that state's tough immigration law. Oh, hey, Georgia is jumping onboard, too. No surprise there. And yes, we had to cover a little birther-movement news, besides Donald Trump's ever-expanding freak-show.
Good news for Applebee's servers (and their customers). Staff will be receiving "retraining" after a fifteen-month old was served alcohol. Mmm, and it appears Olive Garden is also in trouble for the same reason. Mom's already got a lawyer lined up! A former chef also spilled the beans on the outfit's allegedly "high-class" culinary institute. Zing!
9 people were killed overnight when tornadoes tore through Arkansas and Oklahoma. Our hearts go out to the victims and their families.
There was a little scare at JFK. Well, not so little. An amateur filmographer released this video showing an Air France jumbo jet clipping the tail of a much smaller passenger Delta flight. It's been a rough couple of months for air transportation.
The Smithsonian institution will be losing one shuttle and gaining another. NASA announced the destinations of the retiring space shuttle fleet. A senator here and there aren't happy at all with the arrangement. Take it to outer space, boys.
Have you no shame, Kelly Chernenkoff and Fox News? Condolences to the family and friends.
Are You Not Entertained?
"Snooki is one impossibly lucky, unusually spunky, freakishly tan, beer-guzzling, juicehead-hugging, muscle-loving, Botero body, pint-sized moneymaking machine." Anderson Cooper has picked a fight with poor Snooki. This is the kind of stuff we look for on the Cable NEWS Network. Congratulations on making the Ridiculist, Snooki!
Justin Bieber was in Israel this week but was promptly rebuffed by Prime Minister Netanyahu. That diplomatic thing just isn't working, eh, Biebs? His Israeli fans just adore him. Tis' a shame the Canadian and can't follow in Sarah's footsteps and take a stab at the Oval Office in 2042.
Yes, it's 2011, and the list of soap operas biting the dust lengthens with the cancellation of two more ABC shows. Several hundred people will be looking around for work soon.
Charlie Sheen's publicist says it was the actor's decision to organize a bipolar awareness walk in Toronto. No comment.
The Tea Party faithful are flocking in droves to Atlas Shrugged pre-screenings. Who knew they loved this kind of entertainment? Is Ayn Rand shrugging in her grave?
Kurt Bardella, the spokesman recently fired by Darrell Issa, has been hired by Tucker Carlson's Daily Caller. What great news!
Arizona Senator Jon Kyl is the new celebrity on Twitter this week. Thanks to his non-factual remarks and pitiful take-back about Planned Parenthood.
The Associated Press didn't bother to "verify the authenticity" of a fake news release that proclaimed GE was giving back its massive tax refund. Tip: Take a few seconds and pick up that phone.
Cisco is getting out of the pocket camcorder business. So long, Flip!
Sarah's trademarking jokey-thingy is heading toward approval, according to her attorney. Gah, what has this country come to.
$65 million wasn't enough for the Winklevoss (tee-hee!) twins. The former schoolmates of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg have been told their original settlement still stands.
One of America's greatest export -- the greasy, calorie-busting hamburger -- is getting an upgrade in Japan.
Much to our dismay, China is forever banning time travel from the airwaves and the tube.
Google is "teaching" computers how to see. Here we go again.
Out on the Town
Here's a little trivia for you: D.C. has not had its own production brewery since 1956. That's all changed with D.C. Brau. Hop on over to Meridian Pint to celebrate the introduction of some locally-made booze.
Filmfest DC is coming to an end on Sunday. Don't miss out on any of these international films. The DC Bluegrass Festival is also happening this weekend -- thought not exactly in the city.
Nerd alert -- 10 hours of Lord of the Rings films and whatnot at Arlington Cinema N Drafthouse.
Incredibly talented Jersey Shore star Pauly D is at Barcode tonight. If this isn't your taste, there's a DMC DJ competition up on U Street.
Got the dance bug? DC9 is hosting a Liberation Dance party tonight. You can also tango your taxes off before Monday.
Come see Jay Pharoah's Barack Obama impersonation in Arlington.
The shutdown never materialized, but there's still tons of negotiating ahead. It's a guessing game right now on who will come out ahead and if Obama can keep "the left" fired up for next year.
We still want to remind everyone that Turner Central is still chugging along without our recently deposed Queen of Snark -- perhaps she'll drop by the Report now and then?
See you next week!