Friday, April 29, 2011

4-29-11: Birther Mania, A Roil Wedding, and Superman is American No Longer

Before we continue, can we see that birth certificate of yours? Oh, and make sure it's the long-form version and not the type of fake one. Alas, the crazies emerged from the psychiatric ward only to see their desperate conspiracy theories about Obama's birthplace utterly shred to pieces. Is the end near for the birther crowd?

Snark on or you won't find out!

Forecast

The White House released Barry's long-form birth certificate. This action will FINALLY put to rest questions surrounding the President's birthplace. TR birthcertificateWe kid -- the crazy birthers won't let facts get in the way of their fight to reclaim America! Now they're just grasping at straws.

Let's get back to the REAL news: Donald Trump. America's fakest 2012 candidate is proud, so proud to have forced Obama's hand! Unfortunately for him, the week brought more bad news: Draft dodging, made in China madness, and alleged worker harassment. Give the lump of hair a break, lamestream media! Now, Apprentice viewers are tiring of his nonsense. Finally, go home, Orly, and practice more of that dentistry or whatever you're good at.

Ron Paul is running for president -- this time, for real. His sure-to-win platform: rid this nation of Medicaid, Medicare and Social Security. In other 2012 news, southern gentleman-lobbyist Governor Haley Barbour took his hat out of the ring Monday. Those mega bucks are too alluring, aren't they, Haley? Maybe there was another reason for his departure.

John Boehner's tried scaring the bejesus out of America by threatening to shut down the government. That didn't happen, so now our teary-eyed Speaker says he may not bring up a vote to raise the debt limit. How heart-warming of him! Harry Reid is planning to turn the tables (hopefully) on Republicans by bringing the Ryan budget up for a vote.

Are Dems. about to put the Grand Oil Party in a bind? Obama and Pelosi TR roilweddingare calling on the Speaker to join them in rolling back those billion dollar oil subsidies, and budget-mastermind Paul Ryan is having second thoughts, too. Shocking! Also, there's only one wedding Democrats want you to pay attention to today. Gulf Coast residents are still suffering from last year's disaster, but BP is on the case! Here, have another $400 million, and we'll get started on that drilling right away.

Well, it took them long enough, but the U.N. Human Rights Council is preparing to condemn the violence against civilians perpetrated by the Syrian government, as the crackdown continues. Protestors in Yemen continue their demonstrations, unconvinced that a new president will bring reform.

The Week That Was

A series of devastating tornadoes ripped through the southeastern United States, leaving entire towns in ruin and more than 300 dead. Our TR alabamatornadohearts go out to the families of those who lost their lives. Obama declared a state of emergency in Alabama to assist in rescue and recovery activities. The President visited Tuscaloosa, Ala., a college town that suffered severe damage. 330 people died in a similar outbreak of tornadoes in 1974. D.C. area residents witnessed some pretty whacky weather, too.

There's been a major shakeup of the President's national security team, well, it's more like a game of musical chairs: Current CIA Director Leon Panetta has been nominated to succeed outgoing Defense Secretary Robert Gates, while General David Patraeus has been tapped to replace Panetta. Former U.S. Ambassador to Iraq, Ryan Crocker, will be assuming diplomatic duties in Afghanistan.

Ben Bernanke became the first Chairman of the Federal Reserve to hold a press conference. Bernanke sought to use the new outlet to better educate Americans on decisions made by the Federal Reserve. Yes, this will work, because we know how much our fellow citizens digest policy. He plans on holding a presser four times per year.

The Supreme Court sided with AT&T and other corporations in a 5-4 ruling. The Court's decision will make it more difficult for consumers to band together to sue corporations, despite state laws that might permit them to do so. Isn't this a lovely time to live in our country?

Allen West is proving to be the most extreme of the extreme of GOPers on the Hill. His latest target is Planned Parenthood (who else?). Also, how dare these outsider screen questions from those pesky do-nothing TR allenwestconstituents. Can you believe what's happening in Indiana? The state is well on its way to restricting Medicaid reimbursements for low-income people seeking "basic health services" at Planned Parenthood facilities. The organization currently receives $3 million per year from the state.

Rep. Gabrielle Giffords was present at the Kennedy Space Center, hoping to view the launch of Space Shuttle Endeavour. Unfortunately, today's lift-off has been called off. Her husband, Mark Kelly, is commanding the shuttle's final flight. Meanwhile, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer made it official today: the Colt Single Action Army Revolver is now the state's official firearm. Neither the Governor nor her spokesman were not available for comment. Geniuses.

We wish the new Duke and Dutchess of Cambridge happiness in the years to come. The wedding is over and not a moment too soon. The American media, though, have pretty much made a spectacle out of the whole deal. CNN, the crown jewel of reporting hard news, has its own Twitter feed devoted to the wedding. Those minute-by-minute tweets are breaking news, peeps. Also, it's pretty sad when members of the media are asking, "who cares?". Well, they clearly do!

The final chapter in the Harry Potter saga is coming to the silver screen TR harrypotterfansin July. The trailer is already out. What now becomes of the Harry Potter fan-base? Also arriving in July: the next installment of the Transformers series. A nerdy summer indeed.

Michele Bachmann took a much-needed break from her circus act to schmooze with Hollywood liberals in New York City, of all places. (This will make a great Tea Party ad, Michele!). Anyways, she posed with Darren Criss and was looking for another of his co-stars. What are the gays saying now?

Confirming rumors, Katie Couric announced her departure from CBS News. Scott Pelley is likely to be named her successor and poor Sarah Palin just had to get in her two cents. Haw, haw, you are such a jokester, Sarah.

The White House Correspondents' Dinner is tomorrow. Will Barry and Seth win us over? Stay tuned.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Noted political scribe "Chuck Norris" and his pastor(?) have been caught red-handed plagiarizing. What's hilarious is that he lifted material from his own book. Oh, Chuck, maybe you should stick to campaigning for that maybe-presidential candidate, Huckster.

Conspiracy theorists be damned, again. Michelle Obama does not have a third hand.
TR superman
Teabaggers angered by a Superman comic character. Yes.

PepsiCo is taking the ever-expanding social media world seriously. This is no delayed April Fool's joke: Interactive social vending machines are coming to a corner near you. Have you ever had the urge to buy a stranger a coke?

Altoona, Pa. is no more. The town of 31,000 will have its name changed to POM Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold, for two months. Filmmaker Morgan Spurlock will be paying Altoona $25,000 in return.

Out on the Town

The weather is expected to be gorgeous this weekend, so why not spend some time outside at the Georgetown French Market. There will be food, shopping and live music. Speaking of food, Barracks Row restaurants are hoping to entice your taste buds with cheap tastings.

All next week, yoga classes are $5 a pop at Flow Yoga Center.

TR smilingsunDon't miss the Sweetlife Festival up in Columbia, Md. this Sunday.

Would you rather spend your fun time inside? Love on the Run and DJ Deep Sang are at Marvin for a Disco Invasion. Start Happy Hour early at Nellie's with $1 drinks. If you're looking for something closer to the Capitol, head on over to the rooftop of Charlie Palmer Steak for Hamilton's Rooftop Party.

Tonight, the Lincoln Theater is hosting the final round of the National Recitation Contest.

Kylie Minogue is at GMU's Patriot Center on Saturday.

Scorecard

Breathe in, breathe out - it's over. No more Royal Wedding news, stories, specials or whatever after this. Our feet are still tapping as we wait for that serious GOP contender to emerge. In the meantime, we're stuck with The Donald's nationwide freak-show and all the media obsession surrounding it.

RoyalExecutioner

Friday, April 22, 2011

4-22-11: Donald's Got a Running Mate, Barry Heads to Hollywood, and Cookie is a Smash

Guess what today is? Earth Day! Sure, every environmental editor knows that (even at Forbes), but not everyone can say that they do their small part to help the environment. Stuck in the office a little later than usual? Have no worries -- there's still a lot you can do to be a bit "greener" today.

The air is clearer today, with a little snark, of course.

Forecast

Republican voters are still sour over the current slate of potential presidential candidates. But there's TR trumphairone guy who's making all the right moves (if the goal is simply to garner media attention). That person is...(drum roll please)... Donald Trump! Yes, pundits can't get enough of his off-the-cuff remarks and limitless pandering to the birther fringe. Word on the street is he's looking at Charlie Sheen as a possible running mate. Now that's a winning ticket!

Congress is on spring break, but there's sure to be fireworks in home districts, should members choose to host town halls. Paul Ryan took that gamble and faced some angry constituents who aren't too happy about tax cuts for the wealthy being paid for by the middle class. Meanwhile, a large number of your senators are off on "informational trips" in Asia. Now that's quite a working trip, if you ask us!

The budget battle continues with one side accusing the other of dragging the country down the financial drain. Oh wait, this is an everyday thing! Obama's also heading into the summer months with a likely battle with House Democrats over trade agreements. Labor and human rights organizations are criticizing deals with countries that have violated workers' rights and/or are mired in corruption. Speaking of labor, the Service Employees International Union is looking to replicate Wisconsin protest turnout by building a grassroots operation to take on anti-union legislation. TR libyajournalists

Obama authorized the use of predator drones in Libya. Well, so much for short-term, non-lethal intervention! Gramps was in the country to meet with rebel leaders. Meanwhile, family, friends and colleagues morn the loss of Tim Hetherington and Chris Hondros, who were killed covering a battle between rebel and government forces in Misrata, Libya. Our hearts go out to the victim's families. Unrest continues in Syria. Folks, just because the American public has lost interest, doesn't mean it's not still going on.

The Week That Was

Barry traveled west to California for a little of that fundraising thing. The President was the star attraction at several DNC events, but also TR obamazuckerbergmanaged to do a live Facebook town hall at the company's HQ in Palo Alto. There was a little teasing over fashion sense between Obama and CEO Mark Zuckerberg. Although Obama is still a big draw for the Hollywood type, some stars have gone rogue with their disappointment. Don't fret, Dems. -- the real Obama says he understands your frustration...

One year ago the Deepwater Horizon exploded off the Louisiana coastline, killing 11 workers. Congress immediately enacted legislation in response to the crisis -- Oh, wait, it didn't. All that BP cash just might be to blame for the inaction. Also, in another PR blunder, BP is suing Halliburton and Transocean. That's certain to improve your rep, BP.

Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin signed two bills into law that would significantly reduce women's access to abortion services. One law will make it a felony for doctors to perform abortions after their patient reaches twenty weeks of pregnancy. The other will prohibit health insurance companies from covering elective abortions in standard policies. Oklahoma is just the latest example of a growing number of states passing anti-abortion laws.

Well, it took him long enough, but Sen. John Ensign finally, FINALLY had enough of those pesky investigations and announced his resignation today. As you may remember, Ensign admitted he had an affair with a member of his own staff two years ago. There's also the whole issue of his parents giving a "gift" to the husband of that staffer...and, well that's a whole different story. Anyway, Ensign's last day is May 3. Will a certain junior United States Senator from Louisiana respectfully follow him out the door?

The FAA and NTSB are looking into an incident earlier this week that forced Michelle Obama's plane to abort a landing at Andrews Air Force Base. Let's just say it had nothing to do with controllers sleeping (again!) on your dime.
TR texas fires
Wowzers, it's hottt down in Texas. So far, wildfires have burned more than one million acres across the state, killing two firefighters. Gov. Rick Perry has issued an official proclamation calling for "Days of Prayers for Rain." Infamous Texas sheriff Joe Arpaio has a fun new website up, encouraging local citizens to vote on the best mugshots. Oh, Texas, where would we be without you!

Orange County, Ca. Republicans are in the news again. This time, a state committee member sent around an e-mail with a photo-shopped (of course) picture of President Obama with two monkeys. Her rather confusing interview isn't helping her case. Oh, and she's a birther, BTW.

Are You Not Entertained?

How unfair! Italian officials are demanding the cast and crew of Jersey Shore adhere to some pretty strict rules while in their country. One restriction: Snooki and The Situation won't be seen on film being served alcohol. This show is going to be a snore. We hear that Silvio Berlusconi's private villa is open for filming.

Paparazzi in Washington, D.C.? What's that you say? From Georgetown to the White House Correspondents' Dinner, celebrities are the target of TR paparazzia growing industry in the city. It's no longer just the politicians looking for the spotlight. In other celebrity news, authorities aren't answering questions related to Charlie Sheen's recent police escort into the city.

Apparently some people are not entertained, folks. Piers Morgan's ratings haven't been faring well. Maybe it's because his lineup has included world-renowned guests such as Kim Kardashian and Donald Trump. Do we really want to know "Who's on Piers Morgan Tonight?"

Uh, yes, we're kind of tired of this whole royal wedding hoopla. Alas, some outlets are devoting entire sections of their websites to the affair. Polls are showing great interest. Mmm, why weren't the good people at Turner Central asked? At least China is getting in on some of the action.

Terry Jones, a gun, a car, and a news studio -- yes, entertainment. God this guy is just looking for attention.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Wonkette's satirical coverage of political happenings has made it an icon among many of the D.C. Left. This week one of its editors created a firestorm after running a piece marking Trig Palin's birthday. Conservative tweeters are now calling for boycotts and Papa John's is about to reap some tidy profits in the days ahead.

Does Apple know where you were last summer? Congress wants answers -- and you know they mean business. TR cookie

Cookie is the most famous penguin on YouTube. Awww, so cute. Another heartwarming animal story: A blind dog and a goose.

The internet cloud is such a great innovation, right? Well, not quite for several of Amazon's biggest customers, who experienced major disruptions in services this week.

Taco Bell wants an apology. The lawsuit claiming Taco Bell's meat wasn't 100% pure beef has been dropped voluntarily. The restaurant chain just had to rub it in their face for a last laugh.

Be careful about what you write in your e-mails, profs!

Los Angeles happens to be the home of a great tattoo artist, who happens to be a very dumb criminal.

Out on the Town

How would you like some free wine tasting in Alexandria? It's right off the Metro and, best of all, it's eco-friendly! Skip on over after work today. Meat eaters can hone their culinary skills at BLT Steak's two-and-a-half hour class plus four-course meal. This Saturday's class is "The Famed Pork Class Revisited."

What else is there to do this Sunday other than participate in an Easter egg hunt. Can't attend the White House Roll? No problem. There's also TR easterbunnyplenty of light food options around town. Don't miss a chocolate AND wine tasting at Biagio Fine Chocolate. It's free!

DC9 is hosting All You Can Eat for Kylie Minogue fans - $5 will get you in.

SweetWater Beer Week runs through this Saturday at the Black Squirrel. They'll be serving "food," too.

The Shakespeare Theatre Company presents King Lear from another point-of-view. The final show is Sunday.

Origem - Sounds From Brazil is coming to the National Museum of African Art. Enjoy some Brazilian Jazz. Then celebrate American jazz legend Ella Fitzgerald with a tribute at Blues Alley.

Hey Civil War buffs, the Navy Memorial is holding a symposium to mark the 150th anniversary of the Civil War. Memorabilia and artifacts will be on display. Arlington Cemetery is also marking the anniversary with a discussion around Robert E. Lee.

Shameless Self-Promotion

Because it's Earth Day, we encourage you to visit the Mom's Clean Air Force blog. The online project is the work of a network of mothers concerned about the health of the children (and adults) of today and tomorrow and who are committed to fighting the culprits of air pollution.

Scorecard

We're finally seeing the Obama campaign machine stretch its legs as Barry criss-crosses the country in search of donor cash. Don't forget everyone else, Mr. President! He's been laughed off as a joke, but is The Donald the real deal?

Until next week,

RoyalExecutioner

Friday, April 15, 2011

4-15-11: Barry's Compromising, The Donald Writes a Friendly Letter, and Biebs is the Newest Celebrity Diplomat

We hope you enjoyed that quick preview of summertime on Monday. The weather isn't the only reminder -- gas prices are on pace to break records and you'll no doubt be sobbing at the pump. Sadly, Metro employees aren't out to make you feel better, either.

Hopefully a dose of snark will get you through the weekend and make that hole in your a wallet a little smaller.

Forecast

TR Obama BoehnerBarry and congressional leaders reached a compromise over budget cuts for the remainder of the fiscal year. The legislation, which passed the Senate then the House Thursday, would save approximately $38 billion. Oops, we mean a MEASLY $352 million. How's that for sneakiness? Remember, politics is all smoke and mirrors, kiddos. Even Tea Partiers are afraid of Rep. Paul Ryan's budget plan, which emphasizes even more extreme cuts. Don't expect it to go anywhere on the other side of the Capitol. Slated to receive some "trimming": EPA, NIH, and several law enforcement programs -- all the things are supposed to keep us safe. High-speed rail initiatives will also feel the pain. NPR and PBS emerged unscathed -- for now. Big Bird and the Cookie monster say thanks. Anyways, last week's deal wasn't such a great victory for Tea Partiers, and too bad for them, because House Tea Party freshman aren't afraid of ya!

Obama says we've lost our way (again?) and announced his plan to reduce the deficit by $4 trillion over 12 years. Joe Biden was clearly not impressed and Nancy Pelosi is PISSED that she and other Dems have been shut out of budget negotiations involving Obama and Repubs. Politico says the former speaker is no longer relevant to the D.C. power shuffle. Whatever, dudes. We can see the gavel in her eyes.

As everyone gears up to sort of run for the 2012 GOP presidential nomination, some lawmakers are making it known about their displeasure about the current candidate pool. Don't fret, guys -- Mitt Romney to the rescue! His Monday announcement was certainly just a coincidence, arriving the day before the fifth anniversary of "RomneyCare." Congratulations, BTW. We were so hoping for a T-Paw-style launch, Mittens. The Donald might be TR trumpletterrunning for president, but he clearly hasn't learned good etiquette with magazine editors. Hint: have someone else do your dirty work. Finally, Rick Santorum has jumped into the race, and just a heads up, we'll be seeing plenty of strange/disgusting stories to come.

American intelligence agencies and those of our NATO allies are saying rebel forces in Libya are in such disarray that it's unlikely they'll be in a position to remove Gaddafi and his loyalists. Everyone's telling Gaddafi to take a hike. Syria's president announced the formation of a new cabinet and the Obama administration is keeping an eye on the ongoing investigation of Hosni Mubarak.

Barack and Michelle will return to Chicago for some fundraising, and make an appearance as two of Oprah's final guests. The episode will air May 2.

The Week That Was

TR japanonemonthA month has passed since the devastating earthquake and tsunami struck Japan. Mother Nature decided to mark the occasion with another strong temblor. We're still don't have clear picture on what's going on with that crippled nuclear plant, but these comparisons with Chernobyl are quite unsettling!

Ivory Coast's former president, who was apparently re-elected last November -- despite losing -- has been captured and placed under house arrest. Gbagbo may face trial in the coming months for alleged crimes against his own people.

The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals upheld a Arizona federal judge's injunction to block the most controversial provisions of that state's tough immigration law. Oh, hey, Georgia is jumping onboard, too. No surprise there. And yes, we had to cover a little birther-movement news, besides Donald Trump's ever-expanding freak-show.

Good news for Applebee's servers (and their customers). Staff will be receiving "retraining" after a fifteen-month old was served alcohol. Mmm, and it appears Olive Garden is also in trouble for the same reason. Mom's already got a lawyer lined up! A former chef also spilled the beans on the outfit's allegedly "high-class" culinary institute. Zing!

9 people were killed overnight when tornadoes tore through Arkansas and Oklahoma. Our hearts go out to the victims and their families.

There was a little scare at JFK. Well, not so little. An amateur TR airfrancejfkfilmographer released this video showing an Air France jumbo jet clipping the tail of a much smaller passenger Delta flight. It's been a rough couple of months for air transportation.

The Smithsonian institution will be losing one shuttle and gaining another. NASA announced the destinations of the retiring space shuttle fleet. A senator here and there aren't happy at all with the arrangement. Take it to outer space, boys.

Have you no shame, Kelly Chernenkoff and Fox News? Condolences to the family and friends.

Are You Not Entertained?

"Snooki is one impossibly lucky, unusually spunky, freakishly tan, beer-guzzling, juicehead-hugging, muscle-loving, Botero body, pint-sized moneymaking machine." Anderson Cooper has picked a fight with poor Snooki. This is the kind of stuff we look for on the Cable NEWS Network. Congratulations on making the Ridiculist, Snooki!

TR bieberisraelJustin Bieber was in Israel this week but was promptly rebuffed by Prime Minister Netanyahu. That diplomatic thing just isn't working, eh, Biebs? His Israeli fans just adore him. Tis' a shame the Canadian and can't follow in Sarah's footsteps and take a stab at the Oval Office in 2042.

Yes, it's 2011, and the list of soap operas biting the dust lengthens with the cancellation of two more ABC shows. Several hundred people will be looking around for work soon.

Charlie Sheen's publicist says it was the actor's decision to organize a bipolar awareness walk in Toronto. No comment.

The Tea Party faithful are flocking in droves to Atlas Shrugged pre-screenings. Who knew they loved this kind of entertainment? Is Ayn Rand shrugging in her grave?

Kurt Bardella, the spokesman recently fired by Darrell Issa, has been hired by Tucker Carlson's Daily Caller. What great news!

Interweb Tomfoolery

Arizona Senator Jon Kyl is the new celebrity on Twitter this week. Thanks to his non-factual remarks and pitiful take-back about Planned Parenthood.

The Associated Press didn't bother to "verify the authenticity" of a fake news release that proclaimed GE was giving back its massive tax refund. Tip: Take a few seconds and pick up that phone.

Cisco is getting out of the pocket camcorder business. So long, Flip!

Sarah's trademarking jokey-thingy is heading toward approval, TR palintrademarkaccording to her attorney. Gah, what has this country come to.

$65 million wasn't enough for the Winklevoss (tee-hee!) twins. The former schoolmates of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg have been told their original settlement still stands.

One of America's greatest export -- the greasy, calorie-busting hamburger -- is getting an upgrade in Japan.

Much to our dismay, China is forever banning time travel from the airwaves and the tube.

Google is "teaching" computers how to see. Here we go again.

Out on the Town

Here's a little trivia for you: D.C. has not had its own production brewery since 1956. That's all changed with D.C. Brau. Hop on over to Meridian Pint to celebrate the introduction of some locally-made booze.

TR lotrFilmfest DC is coming to an end on Sunday. Don't miss out on any of these international films. The DC Bluegrass Festival is also happening this weekend -- thought not exactly in the city.

Nerd alert -- 10 hours of Lord of the Rings films and whatnot at Arlington Cinema N Drafthouse.

Incredibly talented Jersey Shore star Pauly D is at Barcode tonight. If this isn't your taste, there's a DMC DJ competition up on U Street.

Got the dance bug? DC9 is hosting a Liberation Dance party tonight. You can also tango your taxes off before Monday.

Come see Jay Pharoah's Barack Obama impersonation in Arlington.

Scorecard

The shutdown never materialized, but there's still tons of negotiating ahead. It's a guessing game right now on who will come out ahead and if Obama can keep "the left" fired up for next year.

We still want to remind everyone that Turner Central is still chugging along without our recently deposed Queen of Snark -- perhaps she'll drop by the Report now and then?

See you next week!


RoyalExecutioner