Friday, November 5, 2010

11.5.10: A Teapocalyptic Thumpin,' Still Waiting on Alaska, and the Return of CoCo

We lost, we lost, we lost. We know. But it's been DAYS now -- stop crying, Dems! At least only SOME of the crazies got in, and the rest will hopefully be relegated to finding real jobs... or becoming FOX commentators. Which could lead to possible bids for the Presidency. Wait! Ack! Noooo!

Okay, okay, breathe. Inhale. Exhaaale. Good. Barry is still in charge here, people, and Repubs are already admitting that a healthcare repeal probably won't happen. Grab a hot drink or, better yet, a glass of merlot and let us help you relax.

Forecast

Congress will be returning for its lame-duck session Nov. 15. We can look for attention on economic issues, such as the Bush tax cuts and unemployment benefits. Reid promised to tackle the DREAM Act, and the education spending bill has yet to be completed. Democrats are still looking shaky on Don't Ask, Don't Tell, though. Also, White House aides say Obama is ready to go with his veto pen and attempted sad face. And what are the GOP's top "legislative" priorities of our new and diverse leadership? Hold big, high-profile hearings on that scientific fraud, global warming; TRY to repeal health care reform; and endless "inquiries." Oh, and so much for net neutrality (sigh). Is the White House in need of a serious course change? (By the way, we loved CapHillStyle's poignant post on the day after Election Day and what it's really like for staffers.)

The Obama bump strikes again!

Barry is headed overseas for a series of conferences, meetings, and press events with his foreign counterparts. He'll be making stops in India, Indonesia, South Korea, and Japan. On his return, he plans on meeting with congressional leaders of both parties. Busy, busy! Don't miss him on 60 Minutes this Sunday.

Way out in Alaska, the "Write-In" candidate leads Tea Party-favorite Joe Miller. Supporters of Lisa Murkowski are praying Alaskans had their spelling caps on. The wristbands apparently played a big role. It might not be until Thanksgiving that we have a winner. On other shocking news, Sarah declared victory and launched her 2012 bid and Pelosi is running for minority leader. (PS: Our Repub Informant wants everyone to remember Alvin Greene, and Queenie humbly asks that we don't forgot Jimmy McMillan's epic mustache.)

Our bad! We didn't foresee the trans-Atlantic bomb plot as part of a larger story, but, of course, events are always unfolding! We learned that our government had intercepted previous packages of a possible dry run conducted by an Al-Qaeda cell out of Yemen. Security officials are taking a look at measures to screen cargo. What's in store for us travelers?

THIS. THIS WILL SAVE JOURNALISM.

Ruh roh, Raggy -- could Bushie be looking at some human rights violations some time soon? Dubya also tells us he was thinking of replacing Dick with the doc' from Tennessee, that he was the lone dissenter AGAINST the Iraq war, and that his drinking days are long over. Revisionism much?

The Week That Was

Oh, no! Keith!

Democratic candidates across the country got bodyslammed at the polls on Tuesday, as expected. Blanche Lincoln became the first Democratic senator of the night to lose a seat. Then progressives lost their hero, Russ Feingold, and several other Democrats came close-but-no-cigar to winning open seats. Meanwhile, the GOP picked up a net-60 seats in the House -- a larger gain than the 1994 election.

However! Dems did NOT lose the Senate, and we thank Sarah and the Tea Partiers for that! Harry Reid was being written off in the weeks prior to the election, but he managed to hold off Sharron's decoys. And Delaware confirmed to us that there are still sane folks left by rejecting Christine. Alvin Greene could have won the race against Sharron, if he ran in Nevada. Also, Patty Murray survived a close challenge from Dino Rossi. Will he now adhere to "three strikes and you're out"?

A majority of California voters said no to recreational marijuana use. (That Real Time stunt didn't help, Zach). Meg Whitman insists it was worth the money to lose. Haha, sure, we believe you, Meg. Other wealthy self-funders that lost include Carly Fiorina and Linda McMahon. Money can't buy you everything...

There are plenty of lessons we took from this election. We hope you pay attention, Dems! Running from your party's agenda didn't turn out that well for many endangered Democrats. Also, is there any possibility of overcoming the voters' carnal thoughts?

The Rally for Sanity and/or Fear drew more than 200,000, according to CBS -- or, um, 6 billion, according to Colbert, who himself was challenged to a drinking contest by D.C.'s own delegate, Eleanor Holmes Norton. Folks arrived with lots of creative signs, and there were few, if any, Teabaggers in sight. Libs aren't immune from mockery, though! Despite the good vibes, the Internet isn't happy that Jon ignored all their support -- because, let's face it, it may not have happened without Reddit! Metro should have been happy for the record ridership, if not for the terrifying escalator malfunctions and injuries.

Stanley McChrystal's writing a book. Sources say he isn't out with an axe to grind, but would like to correct some "misperceptions."

Any West Coast Giants fans here? The San Francisco Giants won their first World Series since 1954 (and back then they were in New York). Congratulations, but, damn, did you have to go after the Golden Arches by banning the Happy Meal???

Airbus, Rolls-Royce and Quantas are investigating what caused serious damage to one of the latter's airliner's engines.

BP is raking in the big bucks despite the oil spill saga. Profits over responsibility, right?

Are You Not Entertained?

Bristol disappointed all of us this week. She was soooo busy "Dancing" that she didn't take the time to vote. Honey, we thought you were trying to be a role model!

Surprise! Charlie Sheen filed for a post-naked, drunken rampage divorce Monday.

Are you one of those people with a stomach of steel? Then maybe 127 Hours is right for you. Bring a barf bag, just in case.

CNN outdid itself in inanity, yet again. When can we expect some substance? Do we really need a dozen "political analysts" to explain the words of Wolf? No.

Are you ready for the return of Conan?! We sure are, 'cause we mean, geez, it's been, like, forever. Just play the show already! (PS: Team Conan 4 lyfe!)

Lil' Wayne (with Bubba's support, natch) is BACK.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Rosanne Cash told John Boehner to STFU via Twitter, and Dubya is still bitter about Kanye. But Kanye's more bitter about Taylor Swift.

Sesame Street has got some GREAT PR going lately. Three clips made the Interweb rounds this week: first, their take on "The A-Team," featuring Ryan Reynolds (Ed. note: HOT!); second, potential copyright infringement, featuring an Apple lawsuit; and finally (and our favorite) Ricky Gervais sings Elmo a lullaby.

Remember those Tea Party coloring books we posted not too long ago? Just in time for the holiday Christmas season, we present: The Liberal Clause.

We love it when celebs and politicians post their own status updates, but we love it more when it gets them in serious (read: mockable) trouble. Palin had a moment this morning after "accidentally" favorite-ing a photo from Ann Coulter that said Obama was an illegally-elected Taliban Muslim. Sure, there are other things journos can write about, but it only takes 10 seconds to point this out to a country that might consider electing her. Now THAT'S a big mistake.

Queenie is a proud Android owner, but others in Turner Central are devout BB lovers or iPhone cultists. What does this mean? We all secretly hate each other. (Ed. note: Just kidding! Looove you!)

Out on the Town

What could we POSSIBLY have to do now that Halloween is over? Well, the theatrical and artistic among you have got an answer. For starters, FotoWeek DC begins this Saturday -- there are events and peekshures by the gazillion, so take yer pick. Ah, but then things take a turn for the weird, as Fall Fringe enters the scene. Cap off the unusual with a masquerade ball at the Museum of Unnatural History (if you need an extra mask, Queenie's got a few hundred left over from that wedding she can't seem to stop talking about).

If you're looking for funnies, we cannot more highly recommend Mr. Daniel Tosh at the Warner Theater.

New food truck alerts! Fojol Bros. debuts tasty Ethiopian food (Queenie herself sampled it not two hours ago, and pronounced it "yummers!"), and there's a mac & cheese truck that will be hanging out around town soon. Y'know, sometimes we really miss sitting in restaurants. The whole balancing-plates-on-our-laps-while-the-wind-blows-away-our-napkins-and-demon-squirrels-stalk-us-for-crumbs thing is beginning to lose its appeal...

Maybe (if you're extra super lucky) you'll run into the mythical Republican Informant at the Punk Rock Flea Market. But don't blow his cover! That's going to be a slightly bitter post-Election Day crowd. All it'll take is one "where is the birth certificate?!" to cause a riot.

Shameless Promotion of Others

Our dear Duchess Theresa sent us her friends powerful video about the Virginia Tech shootings of 2007. Please watch and share.

Scorecard

Remember those SunChips bags that lazy, wasteful America banned for being too noisy? Canada agreed with Queenie's take on things and said, "suck it up."

Although we're sad to see all the crazy campaign videos go, we're looking forward to some lame duck snarkery to get us through to the new year. And there's always Boehner.

Oh, and don't forget to set your clock back an hour!

Until next Friday!

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