Friday, September 3, 2010

9.3.10: Earl Loses Steam, Joe Miller Finally Finishes and Sarah is Furious

WATCH OUT FOR THE HURRI- oh. Hope you didn't cancel any elaborate plans, peeps. At least we got some cool pictures out of this whole scare?

It's okay -- hotels are cheaper after Labor Day, right? You'll get in that last blowout of the summer, one way or another. And we're always here for you, no matter what.

Forecast

Dems, we know things aren't looking so rosy. Buck UP -- it's time to get into high gear! Wait... uh, guys? It kiiinda looks like y'all are backing down and running away... again... guys? The conspiracy theorists are going after Obama with everything they've got, while perennial opportunist Dick Morris says he can't wait for a government shutdown and is ready to fight on the wrong side. Haley Barbour believes that the best president, (himself, of course), is one that has been an uber lobbyist. Meanwhile, Michael is off to shore up candidates in... Guam.

On the plus side re: positive press, Obama is looking to jumpstart the Middle East peace process. (Not exactly what we were hoping him to take on pre-November, but, at this point, is there even a cohesive strategy anymore?) He began with bilateral talks at the White House with Israeli and Palestinian delegations. There's been some good developments, yet we keep telling ourselves that we've heard this before. And when the Israeli prime minister is in town, it's not a good idea to misspell his country's name. Lookin' at you, WH Press Office.

Last month's unemployment rate ticked up slightly. And the re-employed aren't exactly pleased about their new positions. The White House is preparing to roll out a new economic package right before the November elections. Don't count on Repubs getting on the bandwagon. (Side note: Elizabeth Warren???) Expect Sunday babble to be: economy, economy, Afghanistan, November, economy. Congress may also take up stem-cell research legislation before the election.

Gosh, Louisiana can't catch a breath. An oil platform went up in flames on Thursday, but all 13 workers have been safely accounted for. In the meantime, BP warns that it may not be able to keep its promise to pay for damages if the company is not able to get new offshore drilling permits. ...F***.

The Justice Department gave the okay to a merger between Continental and United. Shareholders will need to approve the deal, which is expected October 1.

Are you taking a class from Professor McChrystal this year?

The Week That Was

Barry made a unannounced visit to Walter Reed the day before his Tuesday Oval Office address on the end of the U.S. combat mission in Iraq. We've gotta remember -- this ain't Mission Accomplished. He gave a shout-out to his predecessor. Maybe that was what the call was all about. Now it's time for Hillary to roll up her sleeves. A journalist admits he got it wrong supporting the Iraq war. Finally, read this emotional story about a soldier and his interpreter.

By the way, the Commander-in-Chief's office has a new look. H'ray?

Were you glued to the tee-vee during the the crazy hostage situation at the Discovery Channel HQ Wednesday? The now deceased gunman hated the channel's programming. No, it wasn't about Shark Week. Thankfully, none of the hostages were harmed, so Twitter-ers could make as many crude jokes as they pleased without guilt.

The Alaska GOP primary battle has been resolved. Lisa Murkowski conceded late Tuesday to Joe Miller, a Tea Partier who will always keep things classy. A little too close for comfort, eh, Joe? Also, do ya think you could hand a few bucks back our way? Meanwhile, the Delaware GOP is clearly spooked, and prepared to do battle with the Tea Party Express. Funny Nevada Senate candidate Sharron Angle called for the end of education funding, period, and said unemployment benefits don't really help anyone. Um, is anyone else afraid of a Teabaggin' Senate? Former congressman and Elvis impersonator James Traficant is back on the ballot. Watch panicked Gov. Jan Brewer's opening debate trainwreck (bahahaha! -Ed.), and then take a page from Sharron's campaign tactics and flee. And, Alvin Greene, you are the best!

Some pretty disgusting revelations about the egg recall fiasco. More food safety, now, please. (However, um, apparently verytinyshrimp in NY drinking water should be of no concern.)

Did you miss the hilarity of the Teabaggers' run on the Lincoln Memorial last Saturday? If you did, you can still immerse yourself in the sights and sounds of a "special' group" of your fellow Americans (who have totally not been bankrolled by billionaires) here, here, here and here. If you were there, you may have seen the mystery t-shirt man or a hungry demon. Hide the sandwiches at all costs! Anyway, the newly minted Rev. Glenn Beck said he was sorry for calling Obama a racist, but didn't mention the heavy lifting the president has done for him. He's also not interested in running for the White House with Sarah. The drama queen would not be welcomed. (We are genuinely surprised.) Finally, counting people is so scientific! Just don't take Glenn or Sarah's words too seriously.

And what's the best answer to Beckapalooza? Well, obviously, a Stephan Colbert Rally-a-thon. PLEASE let this become real!

Yes, we know you've heard quite enough about Sarah, but we have to share this new piece by Vanity Fair about North Star's fury. OMG, it's Jerry Springer in Wasilla. There's also more about that infamous shopping spree. Gross says the worst of it wasn't even included in the story. True? Not all of it, we bet. Sexist? Yes, unsurprisingly. (By the way, David Weigel, nice headline.)

Are You Not Entertained?

Rick Sanchez's race gaffe is corrected by Twitter-ers. And another journalist receives a temporary leave of absence because of a few false Tweets.

Paris Hilton busted in Vegas with cocaine. Um... shocking?

Conan O'brien, after MONTHS of research, finally released the name of his new show. Team Conan foreverrrr!

Arcade Fire is integrating HTML5 into their marketing push for their new album... because they are NERDS. Actually, we tried it and it's pretty effing cool -- but use Chrome to make it work properly. (Slaves to Google? Hell yes, we are.) And who doesn't love Arcade Fire?

Evidently, anyone who can afford a magazine spread can propose to Snooki.

According to Stephen Hawking's latest book, God just isn't really necessary for creation. Agree/disagree? (Please include your own recently published book and long, storied career researching the matter to be considered for counter-argument presentations.)

Interweb Tomfoolery

The Internet is now the Dictionary Killer. Now Sarah doesn't have an excuse for makin' up new words. Silly sheeple.

Gmail is officially taking over our lives. As Apple brings out the boneheaded "Ping" (stop trying to be the "future of social networking!"), Google has quietly made everyone love their inboxes EVEN MORE. Please, Google, be our best friend forever? And make sure your servers never, ever go down? And protect us from the Facebook stalkers?

The Beckster has a new "news" website, and the first headline, "Explicit Poetry GPS Phones Help Illegals," explains it all! Go get that news, Teabaggers. Even if it's copied from MSNBC.

Hillary is running in 2012! Kidding, but it shows that dentists can dream!

You know how drunk college kids think they can live forever? Turns out they were right! On a related note, live longer (and happier) (and possibly more sober) with these quick life tips. On another related note, drunk college kids, we don't recommend publicly becoming the Mayor of your local STD clinic without expecting a few bad jokes. Just sayin'! Great cause, but c'mon.

This cute story will either enrage you or make you smile. Give the mice a break, for once! Plus, mice are IMPOSSIBLE to clean off those tires. (Ew. -Ed.)

You Starbucks die-hards can now pay your bill with your BlackBerry.

Starting a fire is a helluva way to stay one under par. Tiger, we do NOT recommend this!

Out on the Town

It's a Labor Day Spectacular! Since the threat of hurricanes no longer applies, you can go and have your fun stress-free. Looks like it's pretty much nothing but parties out there (particularly for the PBR lovers among you). And, if you like rum (who doesn't like rum?), Cafe Atlantico's "Celebrate Rum" will be in full swing all weekend. Get in early on Friday for a free tasting.

Shameless shilling for nerdy lit events: check! Join Queenie at the National Gallery of Art to see "The Life and Times of Allen Ginsberg" and think about those kids in your 300-level poetry class that, like, totally GOT him, you know?

Free AND groovy: the 22nd Annual DC Blues Festival takes over NW. And watch out for airborn hay bales, logs and sheep at the Virginia Scottish Games.

We won't be able to see them for some time, but OMG, ADORABLE BABY LIONS GOT BORN.

Scorecard

Oops! One of you sez that it's "New Jerseyites," not "new Jerseyians." Ooouurrr bad. Think the Jersey Shore kids know the difference?

Stay safe and hurricane-less and enjoy that Monday off!

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