Friday, September 24, 2010

9.24.10: A (New) Pledge to America, Gaga Gets Political, and Elmo Loves to Name Drop

Oh, man. Some days just aren't as up to snuff as others. Which is why, when Queenie has a hair-tastrophe, she throws on a tiara or two and gets on with her day. Hillary, however, had a different way of approaching that sort of problem. Hey, happens to everybody!

Big news? Not really. But we were just as snarky about Obama's mom jeans, remember?

Speaking of snark...

Forecast

We're putting off the vote on the Bush tax cut extensions until after the elections. The House may adjourn early to get back to their districts ASAP. But what will they do when they get there? Democrats have an impressive record but can't get it together to drum up popular support, and now they just seem depressed. Where are the cheerleaders?! Karl Rove and his minions are busy raking in millions from 100% grassroots supports. As Queenie's Republican informant so eloquently puts it, the sky is falling yet again!

And how. The "Young Guns" have taken center stage with their fresh and awesome ideas for 'murica! Except... these aren't exactly "fresh." Read it here if you "want to induce vomiting." One of its authors has made some damn good money "helping" the "average" American. The Party of No is looking for a serious, adult conversation, peeps. Note: Shutting a lumber store for an announcement is not good for business. Boehner'll be on (shocker) FOX this weekend to discuss. Please, do tell us how you are going to pay for all those tax cuts! (Dems: please, please, please jump on this opportunity.) Plus, is the librul, lamestream media about to drop a big one on John Boehner? No! The lies, damned lies!

Education is on everyone's minds these days -- watch out for Rhee and other edu-juggernauts on NBC this week, and tune in for Obama's commercial-free interview with Mr. Matt Lauer at 8 a.m. on Monday.

Run, Rahm, Run! Obama's chief of staff is on the verge of making a run in the Windy City. Will this be his legacy? Larry Summers is returning to Harvard and David Axelrod is headed out the door in the spring to join Obama '12. Can we get a woman in there, please?

Wonks have been drooling over the excerpts released from Woodward's latest, Obama's Wars. Will you be pre-ordering?

Sarah says she'll be FORCED TO RUN if no one else is willing to step up. So, we guess we can breathe a sigh of relief? Well, maybe not Jeff Perry, a Tea Partier who took a stand against the Mama Grizzly. OFF WITH HIS HEAD! She's playing the middle-name card to stir up those grizzlies.

The Week That Was

The National Bureau of Economic Research declared that the Great Recession ended in June of 2009. We feel for the millions still looking for employment. We think their asessment is WAY off the mark.

Our new favorite lady candidate Christine O'Donnell, (sorry Sharron, you'll have to mock Sarah's kid elsewhere; although your expertise on fundraising via conservative media was quite enlightening), is all but avoiding the media as more of her financial discrepancies are revealed. Her former campaign staffers have unleashed a torrent of attacks on her, as well. And what's with the witchcraftery, Christine? Are ya comparing notes with Bobby? BTW, did you hear about the post-forum Reid-Angle brawl?

Obama was in New York and gave a speech to the U.N. General Assembly about Middle East peace. He didn't have awkward run-in with Iran's president, but he had some sharp words later on. Michelle was hostess to the many spouses of world leaders, and made one chicken a celebrity.

The first changes to health insurance began this week, and breathless blog posts detailed all the details (hah) so everyone is clear. The health insurance industry, in return, declared that it does not like children.

Is Lady Gaga a better politician than Obama? She was in Maine to protest the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. The Senate had a major fail and voted not to proceed to debate the Defense Authorization Act of 2011. Looks like Gaga and the meat costume couldn't secure the final votes. Someone's not telling in Saxby Chambliss' office.

Tea Partier Joe Miller condemns the federal government all the time -- but folks, times are different than before (obviously). He's just so angry at himself for taking socialist federal farm subsidies in the 90s! Oh, and he's hitting the D.C. fundraising circuit in the weeks ahead. Outsider, our ass. And Lisa, you can't make history if the voters get your name wrong. Fellow Tea Party victim Mike Castle is also considering a write-in campaign. Finally, the Tea Party Convention in Vegas has been cancelled, to our dismay.

Obama went to church. A Christian church! ...Why is this news?! In other news-that-is-not-news-but-dammit-somehow-it-gets-coverage, Boehner has never used a tanning bed. Sure, sure.

The Vatican is "perplexed and surprised" by newly exposed money laundering allegations. Yup, nothing wrong here, move along!

Were You Not Entertained?

Were you glued to the tube for Bristol's latest foray into stardom? Behind the scenes, security was tight. Sister Sarah was priority if anything happened. Poor Bristol. (PS: Queenie was more entertained by the Situation -- finally humbled by a pair of dancing shoes!)

Thanks, Politico, for extending the Salihis' obsession with fame. Michaele is scheduled to co-host on the Today show. Is NBC that desperate?

The Joaquin Phoenix two-year experiment was just that... an experiment. Can he salvage what's left of his career? Will Casey Affleck's not-as-successful career recover? Do we care?!

Bieber is facing some Twitter vitriol (Twitriol?) thanks to gallery photos and videos of him making out with someone in the back of a car. We're a little angrier about him casting himself as the Kurt Cobain of today. Oh, yes. He did. Will his CSI appearance bring back that loving press?

Stephen Colbert testified this morning in front of the Subcommittee on Immigration, Citizenship, Refugees, Border Security, and International Law. Twitter was abuzz and live-casts were inundated -- and, although it was a bit of a sideshow (corn packer?) and he was less serious than he should have been, Queenie appreciates the attention it brings to illegal immigration and farmworkers. Hate as much as you want, but who would have tuned in to this otherwise?

Hopefully you squeezed in some time to watch Stewart go head-to-head with Bill O. Despite the backstage banter, we don't expect to see O'Reilly grace us with his presence at the October rallies.

Interweb Tomfoolery

You can blame a 17-year old Australian for this week's Twitter security breach, although it was originally discovered in Japan. Gibbsy had some technical difficulties Tuesday morning.

So Katy Perry had a guest spot on Sesame Street, until the video leaked and everyone flipped out over her cleavage. It was actually a cute video! Elmo thought so, and would like to see Ms. Katy back. Queenie didn't see the big deal -- 1. it wasn't THAT revealing (way to hyper-sexualize, America), and 2. is a Barbie doll any worse? And how is a True Blood parody more acceptable?!

Can you decipher Chuck Grassley's tweet? Ohio Democratic Party chair Chris Redfern drops the f-bomb to describe the Tea Party and he's unapologetic. The folks over at 4chan got their revenge on the Teabaggers. Karma sucks!

Did you survive the Facebook outage?! Hilarious: top reasons why it crashed, courtesy of Twitter.

If you're still looking for a viral marketing hit, flacks, don't forget that bear costumes are QUITE popular. Although sometimes viral success is completely spontaneous, and, when that happens, we encourage you to milk those 15 minutes for as long as possible -- especially you, Antoine Dodson! If you want to learn more, this will help.

Out on the Town

Another busy weekend, ducklings! The heat wave will last through Sunday, so take advantage of the sun while you still can. How about Open Days at four gorgeous, private DC gardens?

The Festival Report (you should probably leave Spot at home) is a big one today. Why don't these people coordinate better? How can we possibly go to ALL of these? For starters, there's a flippin' festival happy hour: the Mid-Atlantic Red Fruit Festival is tonight. Tomorrow, trek out to good old VA for Clarendon Day and run a 10k if you're feeling extra chipper. The National Book Festival on the Mall will feature Barry and Michelle (h'ray!) AND Isabel Allende (one of Queenie's faves). Barracks Row (over in SE) has their own Fall Festival, with a military chefs cook-off and Redskins cheerleaders. On Sunday, practice your espaƱol at the massive Fiesta DC in Columbia Heights.

Of course, Queenie has mixed feelings about her Saturday. Missing three awesome parties? Lame. Missing them because she has tickets to the Virgin Mobile FreeFest? Super awesome! If you're going, let her know in the comments (and maybe buy your humble monarch a drink, hmm?). If she survives, she'd looove a trip to National Harbor to watch one of the great movie classics on Sunday, of course!

Wonkette had a lovely run-down of several pig roast style events for you foodies. And, hey, hipsters and record collectors! The DC Record Fair is back! And if this all isn't enough for you, check out Field Music and Titus Andronicus playing on H Street, OR go to that Cirque du Soileil show everyone's talking about. Y'know, with the bugs.

Scorecard

We're betting we know how most of you wonderful people will rank on this, but want to find out just what kind of liberal you are? Queenie got "Social Justice Crusader," who believes in "preventing neo-Confederate conservative troglodytes from rolling back fifty years of civil rights gains." Not exactly shocking news, but accurate, no? (Conservatives, don't worry -- we've got you covered too.)

Happy Friday!

Friday, September 17, 2010

9.17.10: Christine's Winning Crazy, Boehner is on Board and It's Official! We're Rallying!

It's official -- this just might be the last weekend you can wear shorts and still look reasonable. And you'll need that lasting sense of summer, since it's officially the busy season. Turner Central has been neck-deep in press calls today, so apologies for the late TR arrival! Not like you're working those summer hours anymore though, right?

Onward.

Forecast

Congress is back from recess, with all the right priorities. Don't forget the millionaires (and billionaires!) Mitch McConnell and fellow GOP'ers in the Senate, who are promising to block tax cuts unless the most wealthy are included. Meanwhile, Boehner caved in to reality and said he'd back letting tax cuts for the wealthy expire. Some of his folks aren't buying it. Well, maybe he's just playing "CYA" because of a not-so-friendly piece by the NYT. Gibbsy is hoping he'll follow through. Repubs will say things now, but once their in power, we know how they'll govern. Congress is also likely to approve the largest arms deal with Saudi Arabia ever, worth $60 billion. Harry Reid is also planning on tackling Don't Ask, Don't Tell next week (more on that later).

Keep an eye out for more Dem messaging fails, folks. C'mon, you guys, it can't be THAT HARD. Here, CAPAF did it for you.

Is the now-biblical Sarah's speech tonight the launch of her campaign? She's no feminist, but she's trying! 50 news organizations will be covering her. Do we really need that much Sarah-mania when we've got Twitter? Oh, and remember the burn from The Govenator she got last week? She tried to get him back. (Speaking of "feminists," guess Sarah's new doppelganger has jumped on that bandwagon too.)

It's official! IT'S OFFICIAL! The Rally to Restore Sanity and the March to Keep Fear Alive are coming to Washington! Jon Stewart announced it (you need to watch this) and we can't wait to see the build-up for this. You know the Turner representation at these events will be solid, so DO join us. Queenie will be the one carrying the "I AM SOMEWHAT CONCERNED" sign.

Fear not, disheartened journos: according to this guy, good journalism will survive the Internet.

The Week That Was

Phew, that was a long primary season, wasn't it? (Still have Hawaii left!) Apparently the Tea Party Takeover is great news for Dems. Financial expert and apparent Oxford alum Christine O'Donnell cruised to victory, thanks to the "I Do Whatever Sarah Palin Tells Me To Do" crowd. Her former opponent isn't taking defeat well. Thanks, GOP, you earned it! The librul journolists are already digging through Christine's treasure trove of material. Christine's BFF advises her to "speak through Fox News," do a little sneaky telephoning to Bill O and be on the look out for the moles. Charlie Rangel received the majority of primary votes despite his ethics troubles. Congratulations are in order for Meg Whitman for defeating Mayor Bloomberg in amount of self-funding provided for a campaign. And Tea Partiers had no qualms sending Carl Paladino and his sexist, racist e-mails to victory. (P.S. Lisa baaaack...) Now, on to November!

Meanwhile, D.C. voters dumped Adrian Fenty, even though many believe the city is going in the right direction. He says he'll bow out from politics, but looks like he's the write-in candidate for the Republicans -- although not eligible to accept. Michelle Rhee is, shall we say, displeased.

In other politics news, Bill Clinton endorsed Jerry Brown for governor despite some video gaffes and a bitter past. Michele Bachmann's fake beer and corn dog tax guy is under attack. Chuck Grassley is again reminding us that he's a techie, and DNC Chairman Tim Kaine unveiled the Democratic Party's new logo. We're not impressed, man.

Obama announced he's naming Elizabeth Warren to lead the new consumer protection agency. Yeah, it's a lame job, but a permanent appointment that would require Senate confirmation will happen at some point in the future. She'll also be helping to find her "successor." Banksters, quick, do your dirty deeds before she comes home! Meanwhile, the Senate passed some small business legislation.

Thankfully, that fringy pastor didn't burn the Quran, but another 'murican took it too far, and was promptly fired. One far out dude also prevented a burning. Speaking of far out, Newt has officially gone birther. Is he jockeying for a speaking opportunity at the upcoming birfer rally? Michael Steele agrees with Newt on the whole anti-colonialist thing. Newt was also on hand at the totally awesome 2010 Values Voter Summit. Yes, peeps, these kinds of values.

Tony Hayward spent some time in front of the British Parliament defending his company. Back in the Gulf, scientists are finding evidence that a lot of oil is just sitting at the bottom over a layer of dead animals.

Top bank regulators from more than two dozen countries agreed to new rules that should prevent a global financial meltdown. Not like that's an important story or anything...

Talk about a weak finish. The Teabaggers couldn't muster the numbers to make this 9/12 a memorable event. Maybe they could do a little diversity outreach? Or was Beckapolooza enough for them? Perhaps they all invaded Alaska to open their wallets. Still, the Koch brothers must be proud of the cool signage and kid props of their brethren.

Are You Not Entertained?

Um, nice costume, Gaga. (Look at these celebrity reactions to the meat dress. Ke$ha's face is priceless.) Apparently, there was a deeper meaning. We don't quite understand how a meat dress represents her crusade against DADT, but we do admire her willingness to speak out. And to Tweet at Harry Reid. And to actually flippin' call some senators. Great work, SLDN! (What, you thought Gaga was doing this on her own?)

Anyway, who wasn't impressed by Taylor and Kanye's PR stunt?

Glenn, are you trying to be ironic?

We're going to AUSTRALIAAAA!!! No -- not us -- but Oprah caused quite a few heart attacks on her show this week. Also, have you Oprah-fied yourself yet?

The Biebs is, kind of, staying single.

Do you remember the weird Joaquin Phoenix breakdown of the past two years? It kind of became old news after a while, but in light of his new movie's release, director and BFF Casey Affleck has admitted it was a giant hoax. Wait, sorry, we mean "acting experiment."

Oopsies... Fox News finally booted Brian Wilson after one too many tantrums.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Twitter is receiving a makeover. Have you received your beta version yet? Do you know anyone who actually has?

In case you weren't already feeling a smidge unaccomplished, check out how a Stanford student has brought the instant-craze to the 'Tube. Oooh, and here's an Instant Google Maps. And speaking of early accomplishments, yet another story about Zuckerberg is up from Vanity Fair. Nothing revelatory, but a decent read.

This Republican group might have a serious PR problem on their hands. Don't party too hard!

This week in crazy people with too much access to video cameras: A wacked-out take on unemployment. More clever (and if you haven't seen it by now, we need to work on getting you a little more up to speed): the Metro Song and the latest Auto-Tune the News... featuring Weezer!

Sometimes we think too many people are addicted to photoshop. Instead of that whole, y'know, "journalistic integrity" thing.

A British teen has been barred from the U.S. for life for sending an "abusive e-mail" to the White House while intoxicated. Seems a little too easy, doesn't it?

Out on the Town

Cokie Roberts and Constitution Day tonight at the Archives. Just another great way to show off those Tea Party costumes!

Festival report: una Fiesta Musical takes place at the Zoo (um, really? -Ed.); the Virginia Wine Festival is happening in Centerville; Vintage Crystal is another wine festival, but with Metro access; the International Children's Festival is at Wolf Trap; and art nerds, get ready, 'cause the Artisphere is coming! Prep yourselves fora balloon extravaganza featuring skateboarders, DJ's and an open bar. It makes virtually no sense to us, but we'll take it anyway.

Hey, Baby Boomers! Let your teenage dreams finally come true: RUSH!!! comes to Jiffy Lube Live this weekend.

Shoppers and fashionistas, hop on the Metro for a fantastic boutique event in Queenie's home. The Boutique District of Old Town Alexandria is hosting their third annual scavenger hunt. You could win a $2,800 shopping spree, and who doesn't love that?

If you love food trucks as much as the rest of us (frickin' hipsters), the first annual Curbside Cook-Off is taking place in about two weeks. Vote now for your favorite food truck to be there (Queenie rec's Fojol Bros., the lobster truck -- of course -- and Takorean) Mmm. Tacos.

Shameless Promotion of Someone Else

The Capital Cabal in partnership with Ipsos Public Affairs announces a new executive breakfast forum: “Face the Facts: Energy Agenda Now." Ipsos will conduct exclusive public opinion research of voters addressing energy related topics, and the findings will be presented for the first time at this event. Panelists from The Hill, SmartPower.org, the National Commission on Energy Policy and OPOWER will discuss the findings. September 28, 2010 in DC -- register today to secure your spot.

Scorecard

Primary season wound down, DC got a brand new mayor and November looms ominously. Stressed yet? So what, who cares? There are adorable baby lions in town and OMG, AWW.

Have a fab weekend, please, and we'll see you on the flip side!

Friday, September 10, 2010

9.10.10: Presidential Pressers, Blasphemous Bonfires and, Oops, Google Did It Again

Queenie spent part of this morning listening to Obama defend his economic policies. Yes, it's been THAT kind of Friday and her brain is tired. What did she learn from Professor President? 1. Man, he is a TALKER; 2. Press conferences on Fridays don't really "change the convo;" and, 3. Feisty reporters are feisty. Check out the recap here.

We're sure your Septembers are rolling along quite busily so far, so take a much-needed break and snark with us, won't you? And then, OMG, get back to work! "It's only two more workdays 'til Monday," as they say!

Forecast

Obama's going to be very busy in the weeks ahead. He's scheduled rallies across the country to get you folks back in the mood to vote. Where have y'all been? The president will also announce his replacement to chair his Council of Economic Advisers. And, hmm, he'll be in Sudan for a UN meeting on Sept. 24. What with Congress returning on Monday, it's going to be a SMIDGE hectic.

We're two months out and the political firing squads are forming in a hurry. It's going to be hell the day after (and, thanks to redistricting, for possibly another few years). Lisa doesn't want Joe Miller to be the end of her Senate career. She's been talking with the Libertarian Party candidate to do a switch-a-roo, and may have had a look at the totally energized Joe Miller HQ. GOP'ers have found the ultimate weapon to siphon Dem votes: the random hobo. A fleeing Michele Bachmann can't be a good sign. Charlie Crist takes it to Sesame Street with his new ad. Our favorite lobbyist-basher Sharron Angle is headed to Washington to mingle with lobbyists to convince everyone she'll be a mainstream senator.

Chicago May Richard Daley says he's not seeking re-election. Here comes Rahm? He's got a thumbs up from Barry. Rahm wants Valerie Jarrett to replace him -- whomever Obama chooses will likely be an insider.

This Saturday marks the ninth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. President Obama will be at the Pentagon and Joe is headed to New York. First Lady Michelle Obama and her immediate predecessor, Laura Bush, will be commemorating the day in Shanksville, PA, at the site of the future Flight 93 memorial. (Condi will be remembered for her yelling and Secret Service booting "non-essentials.")

The Week That Was

Egads, today's been kind of a progressive's wet dream, no? U.S. District Court Judge Virginia Phillips ruled the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy unconstitutional; embryonic stem cell research has been un-banned; book burnings have been canceled (see below); tax cuts for rich hopefully won't be extended... and Arnold Schwarzenegger made us LOL.

Obama announced a $50 billion infrastructure package aimed at shoring up the sagging economy by creating jobs. He's also calling for $200 billion to help small businesses and another $50 billion for R&D tax credits. The president was in Cleveland to sell his plan and hammer his opponents -- John Boehner's publicity is certainly on the up! GOP response: We can't give the Prez a victory. (Some Dems' response: Neither can we.) Barry has been in the spotlight and on the 'tube all week (we especially love it when he gets all gesture-y and starts pointing everywhere), but we're worried his message won't be getting through.

Pastor Terry Jones has decided to cancel that fun family bonfire he had scheduled -- in return for the NYC community center being moved. We think he's milking his 15 minutes of fame for the little that it's worth. Now will Westboro take over? Obama says it'll endanger Americans, Hillary says it's a disgraceful act and the Vatican is calling it a bad move for religious tolerance. Even Sarah is against it! In other words, Terry, NO one likes what you've planned. And, ugh, burning Qurans to declare that Islam is evil is NOT parallel to building a community center near Ground Zero -- we don't care who makes it their new campaign strategy. Tennessee also has a case of extreme nuttery.

Sarah was a guest on Beck a few days ago and showed off her new job. And London, we are so, so, so sorry for releasing the crazies on your streets.

Lessons learned for all? In a rare admission, former Cuban leader Fidel Castro said that communism hasn't worked out well for his country. And Iran announced it was releasing one of three hikers jailed for more than a year. BP released it's first preliminary report on the Deepwater Horizon disaster. The company took responsibility -- uh, kind of.

The debate over marijuana legalization has been all the rage in California. A (former) staffer for Barbara Boxer got ahead of himself on Capitol Hill. What an epic way to end a career!

This week's interesting read: Why Americans Believe that Obama is Muslim.

Are You Not Entertained?

It's official: Larry King's replacement, Piers Morgan, of America's Got Talent (who knew?), will take over in January.

Al Roker sure is setting the standard high for premium newscasting.

This isn't really entertainment news, but, since we don't have a sports section, Tom Brady gets to live here. He's fine after a car accident, but what we wanted to bring you was ESPN's decision to let Coors Light sponsor their Pulitzer-quality report about it.

Ah, CNN -- you really DO care about the news. Who else would present a report on boobies, and one boy's love for them, with so much gravitas?

Did you catch Colbert's Iraq special? Troops were treated with real grass, beer and a vice-presidential hot dog vendor.

Kim Jong-Il is making big bucks from News Corp. Hear that, FNC fans? Hah!

Queenie likes to mock PBR as the champagne of heavily-bearded, skinny-jeaned, bike-ridin' hipsters. In China, however, it's been reborn, and is actually sipped from a champagne flute. Who knew?

Ray Lewis has taken over the Old Spice commercials -- yeah, yeah, jet-powered ravens are cool, but why is he dressed like a cloud? On a related note, we knew baby carrots were extreme, but THIS extreme? Finally, can someone PLEASE explain why this IKEA store released and filmed 100 cats running around their furniture and getting stuck in places?! Viral marketing is hard :(.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Were you like us and wondering what was going on with Google this week? Were you wracked with curiosity about all the balls jokes? Say hello to instant search. Search as you search! ...Unless you're searching for "penis." Also out this week: YouTube Time Machine (meh), the NYT's latest attempt to stay relevant and Apple wants a bite of that Google-dominated news cycle. (Good thing, 'cause there's about to be a LEGAL DOWNLOADS THROWDOWN.)

We have yet another epic campaign video we'd like to share with you. (No, he didn't win the nomination.) An impersonator impersonates a Rand Paul staffer, while a Washington Post reporter responds to a non-existent congressman's Tweet.

Not exactly new news, but we need more Dems to tweet! Obvious key to Twitter success? Get Justin Bieber to RT you. His Tweets alone take up 3% of Twitter server space.

Online dating service OKCupid has taken racial profiling up a notch.

Tea Party scams run amok. We're not sure if we're supposed to be happy about this. You've got real competition now, Beck!

Out on the Town

It's gonna be a fun weekend, folks! NOT ONLY do we get to hang out on the Mall with persons of questionable political inclination, but we get to party it up all over the place.

We still haven't removed the last lawn chairs from Beckapalooza, and this Sunday the Teabaggers are back in town. Remember to bring your cameras and keep your ears alert to hilarious NEW conspiracy theories. Think they'll be hitting up the Bruce Springsteen tribute in Falls Church? (Also: will there be a Colbert-a-thon? The possibility is growiiiing!)

Art nerds among you: it's party time. Check out three shows/parties at galleries around town this weekend, and DON'T MISS the free Beautiful Minds exhibit/party/festival/whatever celebrating the opening of The Yards Park on the Riverfront. (Phew, that was a mouthful!) The Kennedy Center is offering an open house celebrating Mexico on Saturday. And this weekend is the perfect time to catch the DC Shorts Film Festival before it ends on the 16th -- get your tickets (even for the free films) to guarantee your seat!

Fashionistas? Well, if you're a certified fashionista, you should already know about Fashion Night Out tonight. Georgetown will be PACKED. Foodies? Maryland Seafood Festival. $12. Enough said. (Don't eat seafood? Fine, go eat your vegetables instead. EXTREME BABY CARROTS!) General revelers? The Adams Morgan Day festival happens on Sunday -- avoid the protesters/counter-protesters and go investigate one of our favorite street parties.

Scorecard

Queenie's Republican informant -- when not gleefully shouting things about "November!" and "Ground Zero!" -- actually made a remark she agreed with. "I love following weekly polls," he said. "'Sky no longer falling! All is SAVED!' After last week, when it was, 'Measure those drapes, b*tches!'" It's a crazy news cycle out there, my dude.

See you next Friday!

Friday, September 3, 2010

9.3.10: Earl Loses Steam, Joe Miller Finally Finishes and Sarah is Furious

WATCH OUT FOR THE HURRI- oh. Hope you didn't cancel any elaborate plans, peeps. At least we got some cool pictures out of this whole scare?

It's okay -- hotels are cheaper after Labor Day, right? You'll get in that last blowout of the summer, one way or another. And we're always here for you, no matter what.

Forecast

Dems, we know things aren't looking so rosy. Buck UP -- it's time to get into high gear! Wait... uh, guys? It kiiinda looks like y'all are backing down and running away... again... guys? The conspiracy theorists are going after Obama with everything they've got, while perennial opportunist Dick Morris says he can't wait for a government shutdown and is ready to fight on the wrong side. Haley Barbour believes that the best president, (himself, of course), is one that has been an uber lobbyist. Meanwhile, Michael is off to shore up candidates in... Guam.

On the plus side re: positive press, Obama is looking to jumpstart the Middle East peace process. (Not exactly what we were hoping him to take on pre-November, but, at this point, is there even a cohesive strategy anymore?) He began with bilateral talks at the White House with Israeli and Palestinian delegations. There's been some good developments, yet we keep telling ourselves that we've heard this before. And when the Israeli prime minister is in town, it's not a good idea to misspell his country's name. Lookin' at you, WH Press Office.

Last month's unemployment rate ticked up slightly. And the re-employed aren't exactly pleased about their new positions. The White House is preparing to roll out a new economic package right before the November elections. Don't count on Repubs getting on the bandwagon. (Side note: Elizabeth Warren???) Expect Sunday babble to be: economy, economy, Afghanistan, November, economy. Congress may also take up stem-cell research legislation before the election.

Gosh, Louisiana can't catch a breath. An oil platform went up in flames on Thursday, but all 13 workers have been safely accounted for. In the meantime, BP warns that it may not be able to keep its promise to pay for damages if the company is not able to get new offshore drilling permits. ...F***.

The Justice Department gave the okay to a merger between Continental and United. Shareholders will need to approve the deal, which is expected October 1.

Are you taking a class from Professor McChrystal this year?

The Week That Was

Barry made a unannounced visit to Walter Reed the day before his Tuesday Oval Office address on the end of the U.S. combat mission in Iraq. We've gotta remember -- this ain't Mission Accomplished. He gave a shout-out to his predecessor. Maybe that was what the call was all about. Now it's time for Hillary to roll up her sleeves. A journalist admits he got it wrong supporting the Iraq war. Finally, read this emotional story about a soldier and his interpreter.

By the way, the Commander-in-Chief's office has a new look. H'ray?

Were you glued to the tee-vee during the the crazy hostage situation at the Discovery Channel HQ Wednesday? The now deceased gunman hated the channel's programming. No, it wasn't about Shark Week. Thankfully, none of the hostages were harmed, so Twitter-ers could make as many crude jokes as they pleased without guilt.

The Alaska GOP primary battle has been resolved. Lisa Murkowski conceded late Tuesday to Joe Miller, a Tea Partier who will always keep things classy. A little too close for comfort, eh, Joe? Also, do ya think you could hand a few bucks back our way? Meanwhile, the Delaware GOP is clearly spooked, and prepared to do battle with the Tea Party Express. Funny Nevada Senate candidate Sharron Angle called for the end of education funding, period, and said unemployment benefits don't really help anyone. Um, is anyone else afraid of a Teabaggin' Senate? Former congressman and Elvis impersonator James Traficant is back on the ballot. Watch panicked Gov. Jan Brewer's opening debate trainwreck (bahahaha! -Ed.), and then take a page from Sharron's campaign tactics and flee. And, Alvin Greene, you are the best!

Some pretty disgusting revelations about the egg recall fiasco. More food safety, now, please. (However, um, apparently verytinyshrimp in NY drinking water should be of no concern.)

Did you miss the hilarity of the Teabaggers' run on the Lincoln Memorial last Saturday? If you did, you can still immerse yourself in the sights and sounds of a "special' group" of your fellow Americans (who have totally not been bankrolled by billionaires) here, here, here and here. If you were there, you may have seen the mystery t-shirt man or a hungry demon. Hide the sandwiches at all costs! Anyway, the newly minted Rev. Glenn Beck said he was sorry for calling Obama a racist, but didn't mention the heavy lifting the president has done for him. He's also not interested in running for the White House with Sarah. The drama queen would not be welcomed. (We are genuinely surprised.) Finally, counting people is so scientific! Just don't take Glenn or Sarah's words too seriously.

And what's the best answer to Beckapalooza? Well, obviously, a Stephan Colbert Rally-a-thon. PLEASE let this become real!

Yes, we know you've heard quite enough about Sarah, but we have to share this new piece by Vanity Fair about North Star's fury. OMG, it's Jerry Springer in Wasilla. There's also more about that infamous shopping spree. Gross says the worst of it wasn't even included in the story. True? Not all of it, we bet. Sexist? Yes, unsurprisingly. (By the way, David Weigel, nice headline.)

Are You Not Entertained?

Rick Sanchez's race gaffe is corrected by Twitter-ers. And another journalist receives a temporary leave of absence because of a few false Tweets.

Paris Hilton busted in Vegas with cocaine. Um... shocking?

Conan O'brien, after MONTHS of research, finally released the name of his new show. Team Conan foreverrrr!

Arcade Fire is integrating HTML5 into their marketing push for their new album... because they are NERDS. Actually, we tried it and it's pretty effing cool -- but use Chrome to make it work properly. (Slaves to Google? Hell yes, we are.) And who doesn't love Arcade Fire?

Evidently, anyone who can afford a magazine spread can propose to Snooki.

According to Stephen Hawking's latest book, God just isn't really necessary for creation. Agree/disagree? (Please include your own recently published book and long, storied career researching the matter to be considered for counter-argument presentations.)

Interweb Tomfoolery

The Internet is now the Dictionary Killer. Now Sarah doesn't have an excuse for makin' up new words. Silly sheeple.

Gmail is officially taking over our lives. As Apple brings out the boneheaded "Ping" (stop trying to be the "future of social networking!"), Google has quietly made everyone love their inboxes EVEN MORE. Please, Google, be our best friend forever? And make sure your servers never, ever go down? And protect us from the Facebook stalkers?

The Beckster has a new "news" website, and the first headline, "Explicit Poetry GPS Phones Help Illegals," explains it all! Go get that news, Teabaggers. Even if it's copied from MSNBC.

Hillary is running in 2012! Kidding, but it shows that dentists can dream!

You know how drunk college kids think they can live forever? Turns out they were right! On a related note, live longer (and happier) (and possibly more sober) with these quick life tips. On another related note, drunk college kids, we don't recommend publicly becoming the Mayor of your local STD clinic without expecting a few bad jokes. Just sayin'! Great cause, but c'mon.

This cute story will either enrage you or make you smile. Give the mice a break, for once! Plus, mice are IMPOSSIBLE to clean off those tires. (Ew. -Ed.)

You Starbucks die-hards can now pay your bill with your BlackBerry.

Starting a fire is a helluva way to stay one under par. Tiger, we do NOT recommend this!

Out on the Town

It's a Labor Day Spectacular! Since the threat of hurricanes no longer applies, you can go and have your fun stress-free. Looks like it's pretty much nothing but parties out there (particularly for the PBR lovers among you). And, if you like rum (who doesn't like rum?), Cafe Atlantico's "Celebrate Rum" will be in full swing all weekend. Get in early on Friday for a free tasting.

Shameless shilling for nerdy lit events: check! Join Queenie at the National Gallery of Art to see "The Life and Times of Allen Ginsberg" and think about those kids in your 300-level poetry class that, like, totally GOT him, you know?

Free AND groovy: the 22nd Annual DC Blues Festival takes over NW. And watch out for airborn hay bales, logs and sheep at the Virginia Scottish Games.

We won't be able to see them for some time, but OMG, ADORABLE BABY LIONS GOT BORN.

Scorecard

Oops! One of you sez that it's "New Jerseyites," not "new Jerseyians." Ooouurrr bad. Think the Jersey Shore kids know the difference?

Stay safe and hurricane-less and enjoy that Monday off!