Thursday, December 23, 2010

12.23.10: Merry Christmas! Oops, We Mean, Uh... Happy Festivus!

You good people lucked out! Queenie, toiling away at Turner Central (in commiseration with those North Pole elves everybody's always talkin' about), is bringing you the gift of snark today -- just in time for Festivus. It's better than giving you books, right?

If you're at work: trust Queenie, she feels your pain. If you're toasty and warm at home: got your jammies? Maury on the TV? Your hot chocolate? (If it's an Irish coffee, we support you.) Time for a little holiday fun!

Liberals We Have Heard on High

We passed DADT. (Yeah, Harry! And thanks... Murkowski?) We passed START. We passed that 9/11 healthcare bill. We passed the food safety bill. We done got some stuff SIGNED yesterday, and Democrats are experiencing a great buzz -- a combination of joy and relief, with a twist of self-congratulations and the bitter aftertaste of failing on the DREAM act.

The "persistent" Obama went to Hawaii yesterday feeling pretty awesome, we imagine. He's probably sipping a fruity drink with an umbrella right now, reflecting on his legacy while the kids play by the pool. Aaahhh.

But he's not necessarily the comeback kid. Not yet, anyway. He's got a lot of challenges facing him after this vacation, and these victories -- while awesome -- are nothing compared to that whole "economy" thing. (Don't mean to get all Debbie Downer on ya, folks, but someone's got to stay a liiiittle grounded!) So rest up and recharge, Barry -- we need you to come in swinging in January!

Oh, Come, All Ye Republicans

The party of NO, NO, DEAR GOD, NO, however, is planning their retaliation by sucking the funding out of healthcare and other new programs in the name of reducing the deficit, and by going on the offense in the new year. They're pretty pumped about redistricting too (although The Fix argues that it ain't so great.)

Despite all that "power," some are predicting doomsday for Repubs in the face of the country's growing Latino population. And with focus like this, we'd like to revel in some doomsday predictions too. Doom! Doooom! (Or, if you prefer, muerte! Mueeerrrte!)

John "Grandpa McGrumps" McCain has successfully voted against every single policy priority from the White House this year, and he's celebrating with a wave of bad press. My, my.

This made the rounds: Sarah Palin would never kill an animal for anything but food. Right, Bear-skin-rug-on-her-floor? And, Oprah is the Queen of Backhanded Compliments -- check out what she said about Sarah.

Joe Miller's campaign: TKO. Seriously, Joe, this is just embarrassing. For you.

The Twelve Days of Lame Duck

We're almost done here, folks, and we're looking ahead to the dark days of January, when Boehner triumphantly sobs his way to the House as Speaker. Check out Ben Stein's seven lessons of 2010 and take #5 to heart.

What's next on the agenda? Talk of filibuster reform has hit the airwaves, as Dems are pushing for a way to capture that magic unicorn in the new session. It looks like it could be reality, since Mitch McConnell has been declaring what an a** he plans to be for the past few weeks now. Speaking of Mitch, is he losing his touch?

We'll see what Republicans will be sipping in the new year, and we'll hope for just a few more things on the wish list (since we've been very good boys and girls, of course!). Immigration reform, anyone?

Snark! The Herald Angels Sing

Oh, Restaurant Week, oh, Restaurant Week,
It's been a tough recession.
Oh, Restaurant Week, oh, Restaurant Week,
We have a small confession:
We can't afford the usual meals,
But thank goodness for prix fixe deals,
Oh, Restaurant Week, oh, Restaurant Week,

We've made our reservation!

Queenie would like to take a moment and thank each and every one of you for snarking with us in 2010. It's been a fabulous year as your reigning Queen. (And she especially appreciated the curtsies, bows and fanfare over the past 12 months!)

Onward, kittens, to 2011!


Friday, December 17, 2010

12.17.10: Swallowing Obama's Victory, Weeping with Boehner and Hanging Up Larry's Suspenders

The first snow. Yippee. We know some of you weirdos are excited about this, but WE (and by we, we mean Queenie) are glum. It's hard to commute from Virginia in the snow! And we're doubly bitter since our Royal Executioner just headed back to sunny California for the holidays. SIGH.

Ah, well... at least we have some snark to cheer us up, right?

Forecast

Mmm, tax cuts. They've been served up piping hot by a (triumphant?) Obama, and Democrats are still choking on 'em. (Metaphorical brussel sprouts? Has this joke gone on long enough?) Senators overwhelmingly voted in favor of Obama's tax "compromise" package, which is now being sent to his desk. (Poor Bernie.) At least the unemployment benefits were extended for millions of Americans, right? Guys?

Reid has set up the DADT Senate vote for Saturday. (Thank you, Scott Brown.) Could this lead to actual repeal?! They're also voting on the DREAM act, which we're thinking won't be a go. Gotta get in those lame duck votes before Boehner changes the game up next year. Speaking of Boehner, how many "John Boehner cries a lot" stories do we need to read in one week?

Michael Steele announced that he's going for a second term to lead the RNC! We are SO SURPRISED. That's not going over to well for GOP donors, but we're hoping Washington insiders won't take him away from us. He's just such a street guy, yo!

Sarah Palin: might be running; can't cry like John Boehner does. American people: don't want her to. Can we please be done with this now?


The Week That Was

A federal judge in Virginia (not again!) ruled that the provision in the new health care reform law which mandates Americans purchase health insurance is unconstitutional. But, y'know, Judge Henry Hudson has a stake in an anti-health care campaign firm. Nothing wrong with that! Plus, other constitutional experts aren't so sure he got the ruling right. Obama is optimistic that the law will be upheld, as other courts have either ruled the provisions constitutional or have thrown out challenges.

Obama met with CEOs from 20 of the top U.S. corporations to discuss trade, energy, deficits, and taxes. How exciting! The White House is still mending relations with the business community.

So pretty soon we'll be at the two month mark since the election and a certain Alaska senate candidate is still thinking he could win, despite consistently being behind in the vote tally. Joe Miller, it's REALLY, REALLY time to throw in the towel.

A London magistrate granted bail to that WikiLeaks guy, you know the one, John or Julius or something. His visa has been revoked and he'll be under house arrest at some wealthy guy's mansion. Meanwhile, Hillary is still working hard to mend ties with foreign leaders, and the Wikileaks documentary we've all been waiting for is already in motion.

Why is Jon Stewart the only one sticking up for 9/11 responders? After Republicans filibustered the multi-billion dollar bill that would provide medical care for workers with life-threatening health issues after responding to 9/11, Stewart sat down with actual responders to get their perspectives on it. Truly a powerful thing to watch, and good job, Jonny!

Ambassador Richard Holbrooke, U.S. Special Representative to Afghanistan and Pakistan, died this week after surgery to a torn aorta. Mr. Holbrooke began his diplomatic career during the Kennedy years as a foreign service officer. During the Clinton administration, Holbrooke had a crucial role in negotiating the Dayton Accords, which led to stability in the Balkans. Check out this beautiful obit from The New Republic.

Are You Not Entertained?

Larry King has hung up his suspenders for the last time yesterday after 25 years on CNN. Check out some of the sappy highlights and forgive us for thinking he was, uh, already gone.

Blah blah blah, Brangelina might get married in India soon, blah blah. Ugh, celebrities.

Ruh roh... looks like the Obamas' royal wedding invitation is, uh, not coming. We're sure they have better things to do, but you shouldn't you, y'know, let them decline?

Dear Keith Olbermann's publicist: we're, like, really sorry.

Top 40 celebrity candids of the year. Enjoy! Oh, and to keep this somewhat political, we're pairing this with PolitiFact's Lie of the Year: the "government takeover." And hey, 'tis this season for pretty, interactive media spreads! The Grey Lady presents: The Year in Ideas. And don't miss some of those lovely end-of-year photo spreads. 2010 was nuts, huh?

Interweb Tomfoolery

Facebook king Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. Runners up included the Tea Party and Hamid Karzai. As the Queen's Character Assassin put it on Facebook this week, maybe Julian Assange is getting a little "vicarious pleasure" out of this. Those who violate privacy together, stay together?

Speaking of Assange, our Republican Informant passed on this creepy little tidbit, one of several creepy little emails Gawker found.

Facebook, Facebook, Facebook. What you need to know this week: look out for Tag Suggestions, which recognizes the faces in your photos for you (maybe); if you survived the crash yesterday, you maybe have seen Facebook accidentally expose itself; and here's the story of Christmas, as told on Facebook.

Anonymous strikes again -- at Glenn Beck. And, in other hacker news, somebody broke Gawker. Watch those passwords, kids!

Do you use Delicious? Might be time to back up your bookmarks and seek an alternative -- Yahoo is shuttin' stuff down (maybe), sparking Internet outrage.

An ABC reporter was stranded on a train on his way to Philly and live-tweeted the terror of his experience. Read it for the laughs, and then weep with us since our daily Metro trip is usually just as terrible.

Nerds like Queenie will find this cool: Google has quietly created a database of words. Plug in a word or phrase and track its use over time. And then immediately forget what you're supposed to be doing at work because this is OMG SO COOL.

Out on the Town

There are Christmas events, and then there are Christmas events. To start, we've all seen "The Nutcracker" at least a million times, but we bet you've never seen it like this before. Also in the "not quite traditional Christmas" category is the Christmas Lights Art Car Parade, featuring free Flying Dog beer (always a win in Queenie's opinion), a dramatic reading of "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" and a car parade. (This could either be amazing or terrible. Don't drink and drive, you guys!) The DC RollerGirls would like to wish you "Happy Brawlidays" (cute, ladies!) with a post-match party and drink specials. You could also keep things multi-culti and hit up For All a Good Night -- a Brazilian-style Christmas party. Bring dancing shoes. Seriously. Finally, EatBar (a great restaurant if you've never been, by the way) is having an Ugly Sweater party that sounds much better than your college roommate's.

The kids have a lot to do this weekend, so take advantage! First, take them for storytime at the Textile Museum, featuring tales from the Middle East. Then hit up The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon for funny takes on fairy tales. Finally, hit up Mount Vernon for some candle-lit quality time with George and Martha.

Still have hipsters to buy for? Join Queenie at Rock 'n Shop this Sunday! And we can't believe we're saying this, but go see Wu-Tang Clan at State Theater just so you can Tweet that you did. Again, this could either be amazing or terrible.

Shameless Promotion of Others

Shout outs to See3 Communications! They've been working on a PBS mini-series called What's Your Calling?, which explores the diversity of peoples' lives and how they want to change the world. Check it out next Monday and Tuesday at 9 p.m. ET, host your own screenings and visit the website to connect with others who are exploring these great big questions. This is truly an inspirational project!

Scorecard

Bernie made a splash, but (as we suspected) it faded pretty quickly. And we admit that we went to press right before Obama skedaddled out of the briefing room and Bill Clinton forgot what year it was. We were having the WEIRDEST flashbacks, weren't you? Wait... what the... it happened twice?!

Stay warm and toasty, folks! We're taking a much-deserved holiday hiatus, but if you boys and girls are very nice, you might get a little present next week. If you're naughty... keep it to yourself.

Adieu!

Friday, December 10, 2010

12.10.10: Obama's Cave, Assange's Capture and Bernie Steals the Show

BERNIE! We had a cutesy little intro all planned for you today, and then news of Bernie Sanders filibustering the heck out of the Senate blew up on Twitter (as of 3 p.m. ET, he's still going). We (and David Weigel, and CSPAN) could not be happier about this.

What else is happening? Snark it out below. But take some time to witness the spectacle, at the very least. Interestingly, this is something liberals are excited about that doesn't involve Obama. Wonder what he's thinking right now?

Forecast

House Democrats were peeved this week, and it looks like they might butt heads with Obama on more than just taxes. Yet according to Krauthammer, Obama is actually winning. Dems just don't realize it! They'll be in the minority next Congress, so we're waiting and watching to see if this spells even deeper trouble for Barry -- Schumer is just the beginning, if this keeps up.

Still haven't read through some of the Wikileaks cables? Watch this, you lazy jerk. WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was arrested in London on charges of non-consensual sexual relations with two women, and for nothing to do with the leaks. Absolutely nothing. Meanwhile, his Anonymous friends have launched a vicious cyber-war against institutions that have spurned WikiLeaks. Sarah is also an institution, with an American flavor. Arrests of the perpetrators have already begun, and they are SO GROUNDED, MISTER. Congress will address this on Thursday.

In related news, the US will host World Press Freedom day in 2011. We're betting Assange's invitation will get lost in the mail.

Is the START Treaty back on the table? John McCain says work could begin for passage next week, but can we really trust anything Gramps says anymore? Also, watch out for the DREAM Act on Monday, which is totally happening. The House passed it last week, despite fervent opposition from Republicans, including the one and only Michele Bachmann. Now Harry Reid is strategering his way towards a vote, despite Republican Senatorial blockage.

The Tea Partiers are celebrating the holidays by hiring insiders, of all people. Keeping the status quo, are we, Boehner? Here, quick! Change the conversation! We hope their supporters back home are just as excited as we are! Come January, we're certain to see them getting to work for the people, by which we mean, former employers.

What's happening in Ireland re: the debt crisis? Ask a f'real Irishman.

The Week That Was

Well, that was quick. President Obama compromised or caved, depending on who you listened to, on extending tax cuts for the wealthy and the middle class. Also included in the deal is an extension to unemployment benefits for 2 million Americans. Democrats are furious for being mostly shut out of the negotiations; the caucus took a defiant stand against Obama and voted not to bring the bill to the floor. Talks of a single-termer and a primary challenge are boiling in the media/blogosphere. No thanks, Mike.

Senate Republicans and Joe Manchin voted against moving forward to debate the National Defense Authorization Act, which includes language to repeal "DADT." That is downright embarrassing. (Joe Lieberman and a few of his colleagues are planning to introduce a standalone bill to repeal the policy -- good luck, fellas.) Those same Republicans also showed their uber-patriotic stripes by blocking legislation that would aid NYC residents and workers who suffer from health complications from the 9/11 attacks and cleanup. Repubs, aren't you embarrassed? Finally, senators took some time out of their lame-duck legislating to convict a Louisiana federal judge on corruption charges. G. Thomas Porteus is only the eighth federal judge to be convicted by the Senate.

Charlie Rangel is still not out of the woods, despite last week's official censure. The FEC is looking into funds from his PAC that were used to pay for his defense of the very charges that led to his censure. Whoopsies!

No Minnesota Franken-style recount and the final, yes, FINAL House race has been resolved.

A Tea Party leader wanted Sarah to succeed Michael Steele at the RNC. How dare she "become" an insider! Sarah has other plans. Famous failed Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell is following in her doppelganger's foosteps by forming a political action committee. Who wants the first endorsement from this woman of delusion?

Some very sad news this week -- Elizabeth Edwards lost her battle with cancer. A touching note was posted on her Facebook page the day before she passed away. To make things worse, the sickos from Westboro are going to picket her funeral.

News from overseas received little attention from our esteemed media. General David Petraeus is not certain about victory in Afghanistan, four years from the deadline. And it's chaos in the UK over planned tuition hikes. The UC peeps have nothing on these folks.

Are You Not Entertained?

Bristol's Facebook ghostwriter must be making good buck. Politico considers her post responding to Margaret Cho news, so we must cover it! And folks boo'ed at Kathy Griffin's weight gain joke. Hey, you can't please everyone.

Publicity-seeking reality stars Kate Gosselin and Sarah Palin had a camping trip, without the reality part. Plus, is Sarah just a rookie with the gun? A swarm of articles denouncing her caribou murder came out this week -- even Aaron Sorkin got into the mix. Guys, it's just another opportunity for Sarah to play the victim. Move on!

SNL's Seth Meyers will be headlining the 2011 White House Correspondents Dinner. The bar is pretty low after Jay Leno's gig last year, Seth. You can't possibly screw this up. Really.

Oh, Miley! You're all grown up now. (TMZ has the video, if this teenage scandal [teen-dal?] is your type of thing.)

Things aren't looking that great for "Parker-Spitzer," and it's not just the ratings. Is the former NY Gov. going solo? (Hehe.)

You wouldn't know if you don't/didn't watch Fox News, but it's called the "government option," not the "public option." And the Teabaggers say they don't listen to sound bytes!

News HIT THE WEB yesterday that Snooki will be dropped inside of a ball for New Year's in Times Square. We have to ask... why is this news? We saw this EVERYWHERE. Will anyone seriously sit down and watch this happen on the 31st? ...Oh, they will?

Interweb Tomfoolery

So that NASA study wasn't so science-y after all. Also, the first wheel of cheese flew commercial this week in space.

Journos and flacks, maybe you'll get as much joy out of this as Queenie did. Regret the Error, a blog devoted to media corrections and "honesty in the press," published their 2010 collection of the best of the best. And if you're featured here... we're sorry. Also, BBC should probably be on this list for their recent Nazi-weather fail.

Those "best of" lists are JUST starting to roll out -- catch Stu Rothenberg's End of the Year Awards now and revel in the candidate fails.

BasilMarceaux.com is back on the 'Tube for the holidays, and that can only mean one thing -- he's preparing to challenge Sarah for the 2012 GOP nomination.

Really, Alabama? Really?

We know that holiday shopping is in full swing, but please avoid purchasing any of these for the geeks in your life. Trust us.

Out on the Town

That holiday spirit is still taking over, and this week it finally feels appropriate. We know it's cold, but get out there and take someone special for an ice skating date. And, if you're really in it to win it, spend your Sunday in Arlington for the 2010 Christmas Movie Festival. We recommend loading up on eggnog before you meet Santa. Finally, who doesn't love a parade? That's right, no one.

Get your shopping and swapping in this weekend: La Casa in Mount Pleasant hosts a Cheap Art Sale (shockingly, it's exactly what it sounds like) where everything is $50 or less. Moon Pie House (really) hosts a Holiday Vintage and Gifts Bazaar with musical special guests. Finally, ladies can swap their gently used dresses at The Warehouse on Sunday (think they're giving out dry cleaning coupons too?).

Concert alert! This weekend will be legen... wait for it... DARY. Tonight, celebrate James Brown with a free happy hour at U Street Music Hall. George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic are at 930 Club on Saturday. DC heroes Government Issue are playing the Black Cat that same night. And Patti Smith gives... a lecture at the Portrait Gallery. Whatever, we'll take it. Finally, Queenie's indie show pick of the week goes to Ra Ra Rasputin at the Rock and Roll Hotel tonight.

Oh, DC. We love you, and we love Nerd Nite. But please, please, PLEASE don't take away Brickskeller!

Scorecard

The Repubs kept up their defense of the rich, Wikileaks stayed on top of everyone's broadcasts and Bristol fought on. Looks like we'll be finishing out this year strong, y'all.

Stay warm,

Friday, December 3, 2010

12.3.10: Surprising Afghanistan, Surviving the Wiki-Dump and Dubya's Revenge

Cold enough for you? Winter has arrived post-Turkey day, and since the holiday music (aargh!) is already blazing away in most stores people are bringing up snow. UGH. Doesn't anyone remember last year?! If that happens again, that's it -- Queenie's making an Executive Decision to move Turner Central to San Diego.

That said, she'd love it if you donated to her newly-created Heat Up the Snark Foundation, which works to bring freezing Queens of Snark and their Royal Courts to warmer locales. A $100 donation is a GREAT holiday present!

Forecast

Surpriiise! As our Republican Informant said to Queenie earlier today, Barry "took a page from Dubya's playbook" and made a surprise trip to Afghanistan. Sharp jacket there, buddy. The 3-hour visit comes right before Obama will receive an update about his strategy in Afghanistan/Pakistin -- given the poll results lately, the next steps forward won't get any easier.

H'ray! No government shutdown! Yet!

Well, who woulda thunk it? Repubs are back to their NO, NO, NO alternative-form-of-legislating thing. Apparently, the rich people MUST be "helped out" first, and then everyone else can be served. Unemployment benefits for more than two million Americans ran out this week (Happy Holidays!), the jobs report broke hearts today and it looks like Scotty is mighty afraid that some tea bags could end up in his mailbox again. The fiscal debt commission has failed to get enough votes to send its report to Congress, although they are still proud of themselves.

Sen. Patty Murray, of Washington state, is slated to chair the DSCC for the 2012 cycle. Her job will be to raise boatloads of cash as Democrats prepare to defend nearly two dozen seats in the Senate. Murray takes the reigns from Charles Schumer. We're hoping Michael Steele will hang on to lead the RNC for another two glorious years, but alas, things aren't looking that great for the guy who "ain't going anywhere." $4.4M in RNC debt ain't helping neither, although the RNC issued a response to Sir Gentry Collins' bashing the other week. And is the GOP trying again to reach out to Latinos after the disastrous candidacies of candidates like Sharron Angle?

GOP'ers are ganging up on Sarah, because she apparently is going to run for president one day. First it was Scarborough, who told his fellow Repubs to man up. (Isn't that term getting old already?). Then a CNN'er told her and others to stop comparing themselves to that Reagan guy -- "whoever he is," said millennials. THEN she got yelled a question by a big, mean reporter at an Iowa event -- which, for some reason, is news.

It's the EPA's 40th anniversary, and Lisa Jackson had an op-ed in the WSJ that we highly recommend.

The locations of the next two World Cup(s) have been announced, and tiny, scorching hot Qatar has won their bid for 2022. (Russia got 2018.) Reviews have been mixed, to say the least.

The Week That Was

Finally, something Democrats AND Republicans agree on! Wikileaks took another major document dump -- this time releasing thousands of cables from the State Department. Obviously, Hillary and State are not happy about this. DOJ is looking into legal action against WikiLeaks and its founder, Julian Assange, who is also internationally wanted (somewhere, out there, a screenwriter is struggling to turn this story into the next big blockbuster) and who says that the next round of cables will mention UFOs (make that SEVERAL screenwriters, and put the laptop down, Shymalan). EveryDNS has also wiped them from their servers. Next on the WikiLeaks hit list: Bank of America.

Oh, by the way: Assange made a rap song. You're welcome.

Hoping to head off a GOP "victory" lap, Obama announced a pay freeze for federal workers, excluding the military. So, what's the electoral math going to look like for Democrats in Virginia come 2012?

Well, yes, folks, the Senate got something done during this lameduck week. By a 73-25 vote, senators passed food safety legislation. But Roll Call says a blunder might delay a signature from Barry. Whooops. Mark Kirk was finally sworn in, becoming the "42nd" GOP senator, and claimed Barry's old seat.

In a move now being called Dubya's Revenge (cue signature chuckle), House Democrats (most of them at least) voted in support of tax cuts for the middle class. Mr. Boehner called the maneuvering "chicken crap" (apparently forgetting some earlier statements) and was later seen welling up when speaking about the millionaires he's fighting to protect. Those tears get us EVERY time. The House also passed a child nutrition bill, championed by Michelle Obama. This was the legislation Sarah got riled up about because she wants all children to eat junk food all day long, forever. Maybe she could partner up with KFC on Twitter?

The Pentagon released its much anticipated report, which concluded that most service members would not object to gays serving openly (the Marines and Air Force highest commanders, however, do). The Senate Armed Services Committee held a hearing Thursday. As expected, John McCain came up with yet another excuse on why he flip-flopped on his position on DADT. We're guessing McCain is going to call for another study of this study, perhaps with a companion study. The repeal is in jeopardy, now that Senate Republicans have threatened to hold the legislative process hostage so that they can help the rich. Have we mentioned that?

Dancing With The Stars' Tom DeLay was convicted of money laundering over Thanksgiving break. The Hammer has fallen! Also, Charlie Rangel was censured by his colleagues Thursday night. This WaPo reporter had a bit of fun describing how it all went down -- such evocative imagery! Charlie maintains there's no evidence of wrongdoing. It's okay, Chuck. You can sit down now. No, really.

Are You Not Entertained?

Haha, we pity you, Kardashian Kard carriers, and not because the program has been canceled. Speaking of Kim, she and several other celebs have declared themselves "digitally dead" to raise money for AIDS Day, and it didn't work so well. Should have done something like this instead!

Baw-bwa Walters' most interesting people of the year make us sad.

Superstar PSA-celebrity Bristol Palin has gotten in a war of words with Keith Olbermann. She couldn't stomach being named the worst person in the world for one day. And we all know that Bristol, herself, drafted the response.

Christine O'Donnell will write a memoir about her 2010 Senate race. Great.

REEEEGIS got all Grabby McSexualHarassmentLawsuit with rapper Nicki Minaj this week, which was just awful. Does he even know where he is anymore? If he truly doesn't understand why that's inappropriate, it's time for the home, Grandpa.

Oprah's first vague and will.i.am-starring promo for her new network has hit theaters. This is only the beginning of the marketing overload, which has been two years in the making. Will you watching O when she takes over the Discovery Health Channel? (And HOW will we get our "OMG, check out this terrifying disease!"/I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant fix?!)

Justin Bieber wore a creepy pencil mustache. Also, Hugh Jackman held a puppy. And Chuck Norris is now an actual Texas Ranger. You can go home for the day, folks -- our work here is done.

Interweb Tomfoolery

Firefox has teamed up with the Knoxville Zoo to support red panda conservation, producing live feeds of the zoo's red panda enclo- AWWW. This is a marketing uber-win! We mean, c'mon. You're telling us that if enough people download Firefox 4, these cubs will get a new treat? (Yes, people, that was a hint!)

Scientists have reversed the aging process in mice. Are HUMANS next?!

Yo, nerds -- the Air Force has used nearly 2,000 PS3's to create the fastest interactive computer system in the DoD, because Black Ops just came out and- wait, what? This is useful? Awesome!

Dubya was over at Facebook HQ continuing his book tour, and uh, doing a little ass-kissing.

NASA did not find signs of extraterrestrial life (shame on you, bloggers!). They did, however, discover new bacteria that is partly arsenic in composition, WHICH IS A HUGE SCIENTIFIC ACCOMPLISHMENT, YOU GUYS. You guys?

Anyone need a spare aircraft carrier? We mean, it's the holidays! Time to buy that special present for that guy who has everything. (Don't you hate that guy?) For example, who wouldn't want Lee Harvey Oswald's coffin?

Out on the Town

Hipsters, will we be seeing you at the BYT/Newseum holiday party this evening? After-hours access to the Newseums, drink, DJ's, photobooths, art exhibits... if you need more convincing, don't bother. We love this late night gallery/museum party stuff, and First Friday in Dupont Circle is no different (a nice evening out for the wine and cheese set). Cap off the culturally-enlivening weekend with an Irish Film Festival (go see The Secret of Kells! A beautiful animated film!) just because you can.

Holiday cheeseball alert! Come to Queenie's hood for a holiday light boat parade (yes, that's right, we said BOAT PARADE) at 6 p.m Saturday. The holiday events are kicking off strong, and the WaPo Going Out Guide is all over it. This weekend, hit up the Jewmongous Hanukkah Party, the Santa Fly-In, Scuba Santa and (natch) The Nutcracker.

It's a great weekend for indie bands. Queenie recommends Warpaint or The Antlers on Saturday and Chief on Sunday. If you have Walkmen tickets for tonight, more power to you.

Scorecard

Mmm, Wikileaks. That was a holiday treat, no? Nothing like SHOCKING REVELATIONS to tide you through the long weekend! The TSA story was, yes, blown out of proportion, although it helps to know your rights. And the Palins... eh, whatever. As much as we pray, they're not going anywhere.

Until next week!